Dating : Will This Be Just Another Feeling I’ll Forget?

I messaged him: “Date me. John Denver Trending.”

Funny, because I was 99% sure he’s watched that film. One, he’s a filmmaker; second, the film is part of Cinemalaya, a film festival in my country, the Philippines.

I just needed a film buddy tonight, but I don’t know why I still asked him knowing I’ll get rejected.

I hate how aggressive I am sometimes. “Isa kang plot twist,” he told me, when I confessed my feelings for him back in college.

No doubt surprising because I’m three years older than him.

Well, a 3–year age difference is completely normal to me. But I have to admit, I myself got surprised. It just felt a bit weird in a school environment — wherein I was his senior. When we were still students, he used to call me “Ate Enne.” In the Philippines, we use “ate” (pronounced as ah-teh) to address an older female or sister.

I liked him even though I preferred older guys, thinking they’re more mature. But to me, he seems older than his age.

I liked his mind very, very much. He was that kind of friend that I feel I can be so brutally honest with. That I can comfortably tell him anything embarrassing and shameful about myself and know he wouldn’t judge me.

He told me that I idealize him too much. That’s true. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I guess that’s how it is for some of us. That when we like someone, we see that person as perfect. We recognize their flaws, but we accept them completely — still perfect in our eyes.

Sometimes I wish someone would see me that way too. I mean, don’t we all?

It amazes me how one moment you can feel so much, but in time you forget as if you never felt it at all. Like that time when I confessed and got rejected.

It was sad even though it was just a crush. Now I laugh at that memory like it never hurt. It’s relieving to know we can laugh at past pains.

Sometimes I remind myself that what I feel right now can be so strong, but in time I probably won’t remember how it feels.

Like that night when he fell drunk asleep in a house party. I was the only one still awake, playing the piano with a tune I just made up, but now I can’t even remember a sound. I just know I was wishing: I hope you like me back. And I had wished the same for every guy that I liked, no matter how casual or serious. I hope you like me back.

But every single time I wished, I also always wondered: Will this be just another feeling I’ll forget?