Dating : Your Own Antithesis

I can say that many to most people do not enjoy opposition in their life. How do you go about removing that aspect of yourself that stands in your own way? What is it like to be in such direct conflict with yourself that even living daily existence becomes a drawn out battle clamoring in the background? I know how this feels; to surround yourself with an ongoing onslaught of self resistance and negative feedback. Once you submit to your inner critic, be it due to abuse or neglect as a child, or resulting from a narcissistic relationship, your life is seemingly hijacked by a greater power.

There are many moments where it waxed into full disassociation with myself, and I was standing on the brink of combat with a darker version of me housed in my mind. A more powerful, sadistic totem that I needed to muster the willpower to topple. I would play through scenarios while adding intense music as a backdrop to the inner conflict. What I did not understand was that I was throwing stones at my inner critic, but in a violent method that left me with an unproductive tool set to accurately name and accept the beast.

Most people exist with a foil to their own personality; an undercurrent of menacing judgmental energy that performs one task, which is to strike you down with negativity. Based on what I’ve read and discussed in the field of psychology is that this subroutine of your identity is cultivated as a child, when faced with harsh or neglectful treatment by a parent or a guardian. I’m sure it could spring to life and nourished by the taunts of a bully, or a judgmental authority figure. It seems the darker side of our perspective is a cesspool for self abuse to flourish if given the right conditions and treatment.

However the case, once your self critic takes a supreme standing within your consciousness, the act of dethroning the tyrant can take a lifetime. I’ve learned the art of self compassion, and while it causes me a fair amount of pain to perform, the act of forgiveness for myself has been a great catalyst for my own healing. All the effort to remove the inner critic by force has only resulted in a brain wired to promote my self aggrievement. Learning to nurture and protect oneself with the love of self parenting has been the only effective means to truly shrink that which causes me so much harm. The act of self abuse has long been a curse of mine, inherited by my mother, the art grown sophisticated and embedded in the very way I perceive myself. I received the opposing element of unconditional love. I have been my own judge, jury, and stalwart executioner since I was a kid myself.

It may feel impossible to release the inner critic; that giant that shakes the earth with it’s thunderous critique. Smashing you into the merciless earth with an unforgiving foot. Repetitively affirming that you belong in the dirt, as you are not worth the effort to thrive in the sunlight. It is numbing how powerful that inner bully can take complete control of your life. Even to the extent that you feel awkward walking around in public, because you feel the endless litany of thoughts denouncing that you can’t even take a step correctly.

Remember that this is the ghost of those that harmed you in the past, and instead of raising you up with love, bound you to the depths below where they themselves swim. With the knowledge of standing up to those that have left you here, and by learning the art of envisioning yourself being your own savior in those worst of situations, can you break free. Learn the art of self compassion, and you can starve the inner critic into a shadow of it’s former power. Light (love) will always have the capacity to dismiss the shadows. Just be brave enough to carry it with you into the dark, and you will see the change.