Dating : Your Primary Match & Your Secondary Match

A Biblical Map to Your Destiny & Your Dream

LEAH & RACHEL — YOUR DESTINY & YOUR DREAM

Jacob worked seven years for his father-in-law to marry Rachel, the girl of his dreams.

He woke up the next day to the realization that his father-in-law pulled the old switcheroo. And, instead of Rachel laying next to him, it was her older sister Leah.

When Jacob confronted his father-in-law about this deception, his response was that the custom in the land is for the older sister to get married first. And for this reason, Leah is his allotted destiny.

Believe it or not, Jacob accepted this reasoning. And he went back to work for his dad-in-law for another seven years in order to marry Rachel, the girl of his dreams.

Many people have big questions about this story. But that’s because we refuse to take to heart that this is really the story of our own relationship.

We have to marry our Leah in order to marry our Rachel. We have to properly relate to our lot in life, make peace with our past, let go of our hangups, develop ourselves to move forward. And it’s only then that Rachel reveals herself.

Many of us are in a perpetual struggle with the Leah in our lives. Yet we never pause to consider that the aspects of our personal history that we’ve been denying are precisely what we need to welcome. The circumstances we’ve been expending so much energy to push away are what we need to embrace. All elements of the dark underbelly of our lives are essential elements along the journey of our personal destiny.

Only by turning toward our areas of inner conflict can we move through them and include them as integral aspects of our life story, rather than seperate entities that stand against us. When we let go of our denial of the past and embrace all aspects of our present, a rush of acceptance — of our circumstances and ourselves — comes over us, and we can move forward productively to determine who we want to be in the future. And that’s when Rachel appears.

“ZIVUG RISHON” & “ZIVUG SHENI” — ‘PRIMARY MATCH’ & ‘SECONDARY MATCH’

Jacob had this Destiny-Dream dichotomy in two separate spouses. However, we can experience both with the same partner.

When we develop and take ownership of our destiny; of the exhaustion and tears of Leah, we open up the world of Rachel in our lives and in our relationship. Ideally, we end up with both Leah and Rachel. We come to live wholesomely with our Leah in joyfulness with our Rachel.

The Talmud refers to these two spouses as Zivug Rishon and Zivug Sheni — your “primary match” and your “secondary match”. Your primary match is your “dream” partner arranged from Above. Your secondary match is the fate destined for you based upon your actions and present spiritual state. If you’ve worked on yourself to be Heavenly, you find your primary match. And if you haven’t yet made peace with your past and moved through it, you are drawn to a secondary match that corresponds to your present reality — and that usually means that you still feel as if you haven’t found what you’re looking for.

But don’t fret.

If you feel lost in your relationship or at odds with your spouse, that’s not cause to despair.

It’s simply that you haven’t yet confronted your demons and your brokenness — and that’s what led you to be drawn to a spouse with whom you’d foster a familiar tumultuous scenario whereby you’d have the opportunity (and feel compelled) to resolve your unresolved traumas and mend your unrefined characteristics.

This inner repair will only take place when you stop looking outside of yourself for the change you seek. Instead, look internally to uncover where it is that you demonstrate imbalanced behaviors and unhealthy responses, and find ways to unpack the burdensome baggage you’ve been carrying from your past — that baggage has more to do with your present emotional responses than you give it credit for.

And don’t think you can run from the journey. If you abandon Leah in one form, you will find Leah in another form. You must confront what drew you to Leah in the first place — and what has kept you attached to her this long.

“EZER KINEGDO” — ‘A HELPMATE OPPOSITE HIM’

As you transition from accepting your own behavior while you look to change your partner, to accepting your partner while you look to change yourself, your perspective will shift from seeing your partner the person who stands in opposition to all you desire in life, to the person who helps you (sometimes unintentionally) to achieve all you desire in life.

This is exactly what the Talmud teaches men about marriage. It says that if a man is a refined person, he will find his wife to be a loyal source of help and support. And if he is an unrefined person, he will find his wife to be a contrarian obstacle standing in opposition of his every move.

So if you’re frustrated in your search for a life-mate or if you’re struggling with the one you’ve chosen, consider that what’s bothering you isn’t your enemy. What’s bothering you is your inner me.

YOUR DESTINY & YOUR DREAM

Jacob’s father-in-law was a conman. Jacob could have lost his cool, gone off on him, and left. Instead, Jacob saw his circumstances, not as standing in the way of his dream, but as part of his Divinely-ordained destiny. And because of that, he embraced his circumstances rather than standing in opposition to them in denial, blame, and self-pity. Thirteen years later, he departed from his father-in-law with both Leah and Rachel — his destiny and his dream — and went forth to build the Jewish people.

Jacob accepted and incorporated his surroundings and circumstances. He didn’t see them as separate and standing against him. He understood that they are part of the unfolding story of his Divinely-ordained destiny. And that’s precisely what led him to his dream.

The same applies to your life as well. Don’t get stuck on the way you think things have to be and how you think they have to get there. You have a Leah and a Rachel — a destiny and a dream. Your destiny includes a journey of growth and transformation. And it is precisely that journey that will lead you to your dream; to live your life from a refined and fulfilled state of wholeness and harmony.