POF : Trying this one more time!
Met someone(32f) from POF (33m), who I thought was my forever. Only lasted 10 months. I moved in with him, and everything was going great, so I thought!?!? We had so much fun, laughing talking all hours of the nights, being playful and all. Well, things were great for me, but then he turned hateful, showing no affection, NOTHING. I was like a maid. Took care of his kids, EVERYTHING a housewife would do. Yesterday, I decided I had enough and packed my stuff and left. I spent about 2 months trying to talk about my feelings but they were all silly, as he said. Now, he tells me he hasnt wanted me there for awhile now. My heart is broken, because I did love him and I’m never going to be able to see his kids. So, do I try this dating thing again, not right now, just wait a few months? Ughhhhh
By. ArkTex69
wow you were already moved in with him? that was really fast. all i can say is, if it seems to good to be true it probably is. he was probably laying it on thick hoping some woman would come in and be a housewife/mom for him. think the movie overboard. i can see dating for over a year and moving in but not under, but at the same time i can totally see myself moving in under a year (if it was my exhusband).
you need to reflect on your relationship. ask yourself why you felled in love with him, what were the key things that made you feel this way. you also need to look at all the things hes done, and very importantly, what he said. like if in the beginning he said stuff like « just trying to find a woman that doesnt mind taking care of kids. » or « my kids mother is very absent » or horrible, or not being motherly or something to that effect. im sure if you read over past messages and look at his profile youll see tell-tale signs hes a deadbeat.
Ok… you remind me of someone i know…
So I always feel that in relationships, everyone needs to consider flags as they happen potentially or hypothetically and address them immediately before time is wasted.
If everything was sunshine and sprinkles which lead you to feel that moving in so quick was okay, you need to progressively learn about the person as you stay over a few nights. I feel your only mistake was just jumping in the pool without putting 1 foot in to feel the water.
Home… is your sanctuary, your kingdom; your space and no matter how you see it, adding an entity into that home changes the dynamics of it. Whether its a pet, a friend, or a relative. Its a place to unwind and have space for yourself. By Moving in this home, you changed and altered this sanctuary. It clearly wasn’t a positive change for him and for that you weren’t seen as a guest or partner, but as an intruder which resulted in the changed behavior.
** Not pointing fingers or blaming. Im just explaining whats going.
Now… Going back to my foot in the pool reference. What I feel you should have done was spend time feeling how it is. How he sees you in this home while not actually living there, but practically living there. This would show you a great deal of flags you can only see when spending several nights with a person. Therese only so much acting one can do.
You said he sees you as a maid. Flag! Unless it was agreed upon, why should you be responsible for doing » maid activities » I understand you need to pull your weight but its the lack of discussion or planning. Equal work.
You said he became hurtful Flag! This is your partner. You need to consider how you speak to them and address a conflict accordingly. Who are you to them?
You took care of his kids. Good on you, but Flag! DId you guys ever talk about this? You’re a good woman no doubt, but a discussion on boundaries and whatnot needs to be addressed. I feel there’s was little to no discussions when moving in.
2 months to explain your feelings. This is what hits it home. If you or your partner can’t address each others feelings, its a symbol if no respect. Based on the flags you mentioned, this person had no respect for you. Not as a partner. Not as a lover. Not at all.. This person didn’t care or respect you at all. You aren’t worth anything to them. If you were, you would have been respected, you would have been treated with kindness, you would have been treated like someone you actually love.
You want to shed tears for this person? Granted im only basing things on one side. You have to embrace this bad experience and use it to be wiser in the future. unfortunately you wont see the kids, but you will will get over that. Just give it some time.
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When should you date again? When you’re ready. You made some mistakes, you didn’t see some tells, thats not the worst thing in the world but you can learn from them. frankly its better than letting it going longer and feeling worse. Or feeling like this after being married or stuck.
If you need a good cry, let it all out. Let it all out. Just don’t keep your head down. Chin up. Accept what happened … and keep going. Where to is up to you. This is your life and the only thing you need to do is whatever gets your closer to happiness.