Dating : 8 ways we self-sabotage our love lives

On unwittingly hindering our chances.

It is a tad unnerving as to how we deliberately look to ruin our chances of getting what we are convinced that we want. Perhaps being in love and loving another makes us anxious.

Here are eight ways we express our fears.

Readiness is not logical or rational.
They can be perfect and you can both have an amazing connection. However if they do not want the same level of commitment as you then you are simply fighting a losing game.

What complicates matters is when they are not looking to check out completely, but just ‘not ready’. With our rose-tinted lenses, we tend to dismiss words and overlook actions in the hope that someday they will magically change their mind and suddenly realise that we are worth being ready for.

Compatibility is not a perfect science and sharing the same traits does not guarantee that you will have a successful relationship. We often use thoughts and feelings as a litmus test, as if our partners should take a similar stance on every matter. Or like the things that we do.

What makes couples the right fit is likely the willingness to build a loving and long-lasting relationship, sharing same values on the ‘big issues’ (children, money and religion) and also balance- one strong in the area that the other is weak in and together they are much more effective.

Just like when choosing a business partner, success lies is in finding someone whose skills complements yours. You both have a shared goal but equally can identify and cover each other’s blind spots.

The ‘perfectionist expectations’ that nobody can ever meet. Don’t get me wrong, good relationships are based on good decisions. However we often evaluate the things that matter the least.

A checklist framework can be useful in terms of the ‘non-negotiables’ e.g wants children, is reliable, but we must learn to separate them from the ‘would be nice list’- e.g millionaire, abs of steel etc.

If not clear about your non-negotiables then you will feel like you have compromised on something that mattered to you and it will negatively impact you throughout the relationship.

Anybody who is looking for a fling is not interested in your future.
They will therefore evade any discussions of the future especially one that integrates you into their plans and vice versa.

By choosing not to misconstrue between the two types of conversations, we cling to a false hope. Do not be shocked if you present a fling and they don’t want to talk about the future.

In some instances a fling can develop into a future, however language can be indicative of a person’s intentions towards you. Make sure you are listening!

The fear of being the last single one in a group of friends can cause even the most rational person to attempt to speed up their dating process in order to play catch-up.

A false dichotomy of ..’given your age’, ‘in comparison to everyone else’, this is where you ought to be on the dating/marriage ladder.

Thus giving away too much too soon and overlooking glaring red flags in the process.

And equally an obsession with ‘the one’ who got away.

With this narrow perspective we self-sabotage in two ways

a) Tirelessly commit to a misguided search for a soul-mate
b) Or build a shrine to a love that has come and gone, based on the wonderful memories that we are convinced could never be recreated.

Love chapters are indeed unique.

However love is only possible with someone you can choose and who chooses you in this very moment. A willingness on both sides to build something together. Love stories doesn’t start and end with one person.

We all have a blueprint of how we attach to others mainly based on our childhood. And this usually plays out in relationships where someone who has experienced trauma might have trouble trusting a potential partner.

Not committing to do the necessary work of defining our self-worth and revising our attachment styles in itself can be an expression of self-sabotage.

Somewhere deep inside of us, an association has been formed between hope with danger.
We thus unconsciously choose to live quietly with disappointment rather than more freely with hope.