Dating : ARE YOU A ONE TRICK PONY?

Long story short, I have 2 boys and 2 girls — young adults now, a ton of nieces and nephews, and through everybody’s lives and activities am always around kids, teens and newbie adults. Lots of them.

When I talk to them about who they are as people and what they like and pursue, I always give them the same unsolicited advice. Whether it be about their passions, their future, even going to college-or not, it doesn’t really matter, the message is constant:

“Don’t be a one trick pony. Who are you outside of the thing you love?” I’ll ask. If you don’t love anything then, “ Who are you outside of the thing you do that defines you most?”

Here’s the nitty gritty reality and why I ask:

• You want to be an athlete? Injuries happen. Our 13 year old basketball player son, after scoring 20 points in a game in a tournament in January, got to learn injured life as his new normal. Who knew he’d jump and break his tibial growth plate in mid-air? Not him. Are you an athlete or have a child who is? Imagine being forced out of sports for 3 (or 6 or 9 months) straight, trying to rehab. What else are you going to do to keep from going stir crazy? If your answer is “I don’t know,” find another hobby now, when you or they are NOT injured. Vlogs, learning sneaker or fashion/culture, art, design, sewing, writing. Much of it can be done stationary, as in, not inflaming an injury. Try something before you’re forced to investigate it.
• You want to constantly be with that special guy/girl that you adore? Great. Sure…you’re in “twoo wove” (true love) and can’t breathe without each other. But there’s this funny, shitty thing called TIME that passes and makes life move on outside of your itty bity 2-seater love cocoon. What else do you do beside maybe work/eat/errands & make goo-goo eyes at that person? No really, ask yourself that. If you don’t have an answer, freaking find something else to invest in mentally before you’re 48 with 2 kids and a truckload of bills — and not a lot of anything else. Start thinking long term because if all you love is love, and you’re so wrapped up, it’s going to get sticky trapped in your narcissists’ spiderweb. If Mr. or Mrs. Twoo Wove was to leave you… what would you do by yourself when you aren’t parenting or working? Don’t know? Look at old pictures of yourself and remember the places you used to go: aquariums, museums, galleries, poetry readings, book signings, jazz clubs, coffee houses, record stores, cooking classes? Think back in your mind’s eye and see yourself- fully- and what made you tick before you became Tick and Tock or Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum.
• Part two of “Twoo Wove” is — you’re boring if you don’t develop your interests outside of each other. One of our kids gets fully absorbed into his girlfriends and loses himself. His identity disappears. Then the girl gets bored. Of course she does! He brings nothing new over time, nothing interesting or exciting to the relationship because he let emotional newness, his interests and what excites his mind die outside of being with her. Don’t just exist, but THRIVE as a person outside of couple-dom. If a breakup forces you to stop being coupled up, it’s easier to move on solo if you stayed your own person. For example, what music do you like? Actually go to concerts without your twoo wove — go with friends, co-workers or family. Why? Concerts and festivals are great places to meet people who- guess what- like the same bands and music you do! Instant shared interest with other date-able people if you ever need it. Make sense? Now go find 3–4 other things you can read about, attend a conference on, spend a weekend studying, etc. Your time and your mind are worth it, regardless of your partner status.
• You don’t know what you want to do with your life. Yeah? Take a number. Most of us people who aren’t one trick ponies don’t either. We, because I am one, like a ton of things. We just can’t narrow them down. So fine — don’t. But put them in order by passion and access-ability. For example, I love the ocean. Yet living in Austin, TX doesn’t give me easy access-ability, so my participation in studying sea life stays limited. I can still hold an interest in the ocean but it’s not feasible to fly regularly and put in the time- real time- to be ocean side and fuel that love. Common sense says entertain doing and learning things that feed my soul that can be easily accessed, often and without a lot of money. Look, there’s being a one trick pony and turning tricks; I don’t want to have to do the later to pay for the former. Besides — I’d get no customers. Lol. 😉
• You stay a one trick pony because you’re not exposed to much/live too sheltered. I have a nephew I just adore. A gem of a young man, very bright, recently graduated college. He’s left Texas one time. Once. Uno. Such a pity, I spent this whole last weekend encouraging him to make like a duck and get the fluck out of here. The education the whole world can give us CAN NOT be underestimated. From different attitudes to attire, from food to freedoms, religious practices to music, languages and global humor, get the hell out of Dodge to understand what else is out there. You’re a one trick pony if you keep that trick in the same zip code your whole life. See the world. All of it. You’ll never ever be the same and that’s a jolly good thing.
• Volunteer, lead, get creative and crafty. And feel free to screw up a lot. Being a one trick pony means you don’t get dirty. You repeat your routine or keep your pursuits narrow. That doesn’t grow us as people- or worse- make us capable or savvy at working cooperatively with folks who are diverse from us who are leaders, creative, crafty or clever. Get dirty! Mess up. Trip and bust your tail. It’s not bad if you’re trying something new. When our oldest daughter completed her application for college in Texas, called the common application (one application that’s sent to multiple colleges; a very cool tool but too late for when I went, dang it!) it asked for her leadership experience. Leadership experience? Um…zip. Her volunteer efforts? Zero. How did what she learn from being wrong teach her a valuable lesson that shaped her into a better person??? Eek! Our daughter? Wrong? Blasphemy. Don’t you know she was an expert with no expertise?!? It also inferred that she learned something outside of being a dancer in school. She struggled answering all these sections because that was all she did. A One Drill Team Trick Pony. Her dedication to her interest made her flat- not dynamic- and on paper, not very interesting. Volunteer, you’ll never be sad you did. Build, paint, woodwork, assemble, puzzle, tinker, cobble, doodle. It does not have to be perfect or clean, pretty or palatable to anybody else. Nor does it ever have to be shown to another human being. That’s why there’s paper, drawers to hide stuff and ultimately, recycle bins and trash cans. I’ve filled plenty.

So what do you do then?

You don’t know what to study in college. You don’t know what job you want. You don’t know what’s even out there that could be a hobby or an interest or something to look up on Pinterest. You don’t know what you don’t know. You want to lose your pony status but don’t know where to start.

GO TO A BOOK STORE.

Walk up and down the aisles. Pay attention to what section you walk to and the books- or magazines- or journals- or toys- or puzzles- or fancy pens or movies you pick up. What back covers do you read?What is in your hand? If you had $300 what books or items would you buy? WHY? What’s interesting? What’s not? What do you skip all together? What draws you in immediately and causes you to lean against the book rack, look down at your phone and go, “Crickey! Look what time it is!” Because whatever you would pay money to read and spend your precious time on: THAT is where your interests lie. Those can be hobbies, ways to meet people, potential jobs, careers or lifelong pursuits.

I encourage you, lean into those things. Please diversify and go. Screw one trick pony. Grow into being a groovy, singing, tap dancing, interesting and talented rainbow unicorn. You can do it.