Dating : Hello, eHarmony. It’s me, Jasmine.

Trying to escape online dating is almost as difficult as trying to escape inquiries about your dating life from your older relative who is mad bored in their retirement. Nothing stings more than loneliness than the bombardment of what seems to be like everyone you know having the happiest times of their damn lives snuggling up with their significant other all up and down your social media feeds. I’ve met people IRL (in real life) and they suck, so I can’t imagine online dating to garner up any trophies from the cesspool that is the internet. But — but — ALGORITHMS. Either these mathematical magic tricks are the gift of the times or the very thing that is going to thrust us into Hell, but they do exist, making online dating all the more enticing (sort of) because the ONE could really be out there. And if you’re reading this, my semi-sorta Catholic, left-leaning, 6’3” brunette with brown eyes and a love for Bill Hader, Bob Seger, Taco Bell, and husky mutts; I AM WAITING.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve looked at the apps. I’ve considered downloading. Recently, I had a callback for an eHarmony commercial and as part of my studying for the role (WINK WINK), I checked out the website. The application process is longer than a psychiatrist intake (not that I’d know anything about that, gentlemen. I AM COMPLETELY HEALTHY AND NOT CRAZY.) Beyond the usual questions about height, weight, and measurements; eHarmony has an entire questionnaire to fully expose all the emotional baggage some lucky bro is going to have tossed on his pullout couch come that third date. The questions felt very MySpace, but I was THERE FOR IT.

Name: Jasmine Alleva

Age: 21 TLY (that’s actress jargon for I’m 26)

Location: The City of Angels, BABY. And I have three roommates, thank you very much.

1. What are you passionate about?

Does Pinterest count? I’m 100% passionate about the life I want to have and aim to have, but if I’m being honest, I definitely have Dominos saved as a “favorite” in my phone and if I’m being even more honest, it’s the only number I have saved as a favorite. Ken Jennings, the Jeopardy champion, is a personal hero. So are dogs. Every dog. All dogs. I love fruit snacks, but not actual fruit snacks because they taste like powdery shit, but candy that disguises itself as healthy (think gushers, fruit by the foot, etc.). I love the Green Bay Packers and Taco Bell. I also still use Tumblr. I have a rock collection. Marry me?

2. What two or three things do you enjoy doing in your leisure time?

I spend a lot of time watching stand up on YouTube because I’m usually sads and that makes me happy. I read a lot. Like, a weird amount. I like traveling but hate being a broke person traveling because NOT FUN.

3. What are three things you’re thankful for?

Uh, my parents, duh. My dog. My boobs being symmetrical.

4. Are you open to meeting someone who already has children?

If I wanted to sound cool, I’d say yes, but I don’t give a shit about sounding cool, so my answer is hell to the no. I am a child, ok? I AM A CHILD.

5. How far should we search for your matches?

Don’t even waste your time, eHarmony. I’m going to be single forever. (Lol, jk. I just know I will forget the password to this and never log on again.)

6. How happy are you with your physical appearance?

Am I pmsing in this question or no? Have I just gotten my eyebrows waxed? Was there a diarrhea moment a few hours before I’m supposed to answer this? In general, I’m mostly happy. It’s the only one I have, which is corny, but it makes turds and gets me places so I’m content.

7. If your best friends had to pick four words to describe you, which four would they pick?

Hilarious (obviously). Loyal. Flaky. UHHHHHHHHHH.

The next eight questions involve a battery of different questions all umbrellaed under one concept. The concepts cover political ideologies, whether or not you want children, and a lot of other painfully boring stuff. If any dude is fortunate enough to get that deep into the questions before clicking away and going to watch Porn or whatever dudes do on the internet, the answers definitely vary depending on the day, what Trump has tweeted, and a lot of little deviations that tend to happen on this journey called life.

I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO THINK OF ME WITH A LITTLE SMILE WHILE THEY PICK UP MY TACO BELL ORDER, BRO. AND TO KNOW THE ORDER BY HEART (extra nacho cheese and no sour cream — ALWAYS). I’m really good at pretending I’m into Transformer movies and will nod my head and try not to think about literally anything else while you wax poetic about the Chinese trade market, I promise.

But none of this ever hits eHarmony’s interface. Because I exit. Because Dominos called. And my wings were waiting for me in the lobby.