Dating : Is Tinder a Hub for Polys? (2)

My Dating Experience on Tinder. Part 2.

*I came from a culture where poly relationship was entirely exotic and completely new to me. Please stop reading this post if the topic made you uncomfortable.

Link to Part 1 Here: https://.com/@winnieyinwu/to-date-or-not-to-date-that-is-a-question-1-d7a86f02a81d

As time moves on, I added and chatted with more people. My rule of chatting is really simple: do not initiate a conversation with a match, and only respond if the person starts the conversation. This could filter out the “zombies” who never talked or perhaps just added me by accident. Not sure if social ladder came into play, but I often found myself being added and greeted by people with lower status (i.e., lower-wage jobs, not so good-looking, students, or whoever didn’t seem to be capable of putting himself together). I did not receive a lot of greetings from guys with better looks or wealthier, even if they were matches on the app. It seems that the better the conditions my matches are, the more competitions I would get.

However, there is one type of people from the high-ends would almost 100% talk to me first. The Polys.

Poly is short for Polygamy — people who look for multi-partner relationships. Cannot remember how many men that I have chatted with, but lots of them did not emphasize the request — some put it in the very end of the bio “I am poly and I hope you understand” or they only told me when matched. Usually I would end up the conversation immediately when I realized later, but I did remember have more conversations with at least three guys.

The first one that I remembered was a math professor from the same university that I studied at. I swept right because he looked good in the photos — not as handsome as god, but not too bad, mild and friendly, with big and childish smile, scholar-like glasses but not overly nerdy. In one of the pictures, he was with a buddy and he looked better — a typical photo trick lots of people play on Tinder. However, I missed his final line suggesting that he was poly, so I added him.

By the time he messaged me I was on a bus, so I didn’t check in time. He first asked: “Hello! I’m guessing you have read my bio and you don’t mind I’m looking for poly?” Without my response, he just went ahead: “Well I guess it’s ok. I’m a professor here. How are you doing today?”

When I found out, I wanted to delete him, but then curiosity stopped me. Without judgement, I wanted to know what drives a person like him to look for such a relationship, and why I was particularly chosen.

So I said hi back and started to talk with him. At the beginning, I told him that I wasn’t looking for poly and I just added him by accident. He said it was fine, and he asked why I had trouble finding the right date. I told him that I could not find the right person and also I was very busy to go outside for a date. Then he offered friendship with me, just to reassure my feelings until I found a date.

I didn’t answer him right away, instead I asked him why he wanted to be in this relationship. He told me that he had a wife and she was also a poly. She already dated someone and had sex. I asked why he thinks it’s ok. He told me that it was their mutual agreement. She is the one who actually created this Tinder account for him.

He mentioned that he had a 4-year-old son, who was not living with him or her (at grandparents’ or with his wife, I forgot). I asked how he felt about the son while looking for poly, he said both them still love him. They brought him the best they could and often visited him. He thinks that his son had no problem with it.

When I asked him why he still wanted to find a poly if he really had a happy family. He said he was living alone in this place and he needed a woman. Family in a distance couldn’t fulfill him.

It was few years ago and I cannot remember what else we chatted. He was a fun person and I enjoyed talking with him. We even flirted a little bit, but I never responded to his dating invitations because I could not accept poly. Even so, he still tried to persuade me to change my mind, by repeating what he could offer, a good conversation, warm company, or teaching me chess. He added a nicer photo during this time.

I admitted that I liked him, even though I knew nothing would happen between us. I enjoyed this conversation and at the same time, I was hoping to persuade him to return to his family. Still, nothing could be changed, just like he couldn’t change my mind.

We even shared our Tinder experiences in the past. I asked him if he ever had any luck before we matched. He said yes, but very few. He only had sex with one, but she became very sticky and wanted more emotional connections, so he stayed away. There was another sexy waitress that he met on Tinder, however, he never heard from her again after the first-time conversation. He told me that he really like her. And then he also liked me, too.

Before he went back to his family for Christmas, I told him that I might consider meeting him. He was super excited and told me he would contact me when he came back. I deleted him over the winter break.

In February I received a friend request on Facebook. It was him. Guess Tinder really needs to improve their privacy and security control.

I didn’t approve, but instead I checked his page. The couple looked handsome and attractive. Five years earlier, however, both of them seemed to be overweight and they did lots of exercises together to be fit as today. I believe they did love each other very much, at least five years ago when they still lived together.

About two years later, I met another guy online. He looked ok, mild, and a bit nerdy (definitely not the best kind of look, but it gives girls a sense of security, if you know what I mean), and he made great conversations. I didn’t notice that he was a poly (again, at the very end of his bio and hard for me to notice) until he asked if I would accept it. I said no, and then he asked to be just friends. Well, I had no problem with it.

The following days we talked to each other quite often. He was a great conversation starter, usually sending me greetings from “Happy Monday” to “Happy Sunday”. We shared a lot in common, such as traveling experiences in Japan, cosplay, and Japanese animies. He told me that he had three girlfriends right now, used to have more. Currently living at one girlfriend’s place and the other two were living in another town.

They were all excellent single girls — independent, pretty, and well educated. One was a salesperson, one was a graduate student, the other one was a software engineer. Whereas he just worked in a chemical factory, taking shifts at night and in the weekends for extra hourly wages.

When I asked whether there would be a problem from his partners, such as scheduling or jealously, he said he managed them very well. He made conversations open and clear with all his girlfriends, and worked out a time schedule to fit everyone in. The key was enough communication and time commitment to everyone, he told me.

Two of his girlfriends even met and got along with each other.

Other than that, he also maintained some “cuddling friendships”, where they merely just cuddle and talk. I was a bit suspicious of such friendships (more like friends with benefits without actually having sex), and I wonder if he wanted to turn me into one of such “friends”. Even if I made it clear that I had no interest in dating him, I had this feeling because he told me those “cuddling dates” all the time. Why couldn’t we talk about anything else?

He attempted to invite me to sit watching an animie with him at his girlfriend’s place, while she had to go out of town. I guess that’s why he made so many friends — he couldn’t stand staying alone and always in need of affection and company.

We met once at a coffeeshop, where we continued an interesting conversation. At a certain point, we paused the conversation. He just looked in my eyes and the atmosphere was a bit warming up. And then he told me that something was in my hair, and he touched my hair to remove it. I felt weird at the moment so I started another conversation.

A lady stopped by and said hi to him. He told me she was an ex-girlfriend and they were still in touch like normal friends. She was with another guy, guess that was her new boyfriend.

When the day went dark I called it a day. After that, I was still getting his messages but I was not so responsive as before. I got tired of having this conversation that leads to no where. Apparently he still wanted to turn me into a cuddling friend, but that’s not what I am looking for!

Another week later, when he asked what am I up to for the upcoming weekend, I told him that I was going to have a date. He told me that’s great news. I had never heard from him since.

The third guy that I talked to was a senior software engineer. I matched him because he looked really like my ex-boyfriend (an actual boyfriend in between these tinder dates… and became an ex). And again, his picture stroke me so much that I didn’t even read his bio, where he also suggested himself as a poly.

Same as the other two, he opened up with what he was looking for. Again, I told him that was not what I am looking for. I also told him that I just broke up and he looked exactly like my ex. I had to admit that like other break-ups, I was active on Tinder again, eager to find a substitute to fulfill my empty heart. That’s not right.

I told him what happened, including my awful break-up. He showed lots of understandings. In the meantime, he told me that he would never break up awfully like that.

He was currently in a relationship with his girlfriend, also a poly, and he did not want to change his current status, aka. breaking up with his current girlfriend. He did not have a second partner by the time I matched him, but he had some before. For some reason, he emphasized that he never had more than three at the same time.

When I asked how he would deal with the feelings of jealousy, he said he never had this feelings, even when his girlfriend was with someone else. But he would talk to her later if he needed more attention from her, and she would accommodate him next time.

He tried to meet two girls from Tinder before me. One was having too much passionate to him, so he broke up with her. The other one told him that she couldn’t have any feeling with him, while he liked her more.

The most challenging part to maintain poly relationships, is to balance and control your feelings and your partners’. He told me.

By the time we were hitting on each other via chatting, my building had a fire alarm ringing and everyone was outside waiting for the firefighters to come over. I do not know why, perhaps too lonely at the time, I invited him to meet up somewhere. It was past the midnight and never appropriate for a first date.

He didn’t directly answer the invite. Instead, he had lots of questions. At first, he checked if I had a car (he lives five miles away), and then he asked if there was somewhere to park. Apparently, he was calculating the cost.

Fourty minutes later, when I already went back home, he messaged me again. He asked if I already felt asleep and if I still wanted to meet at this time. I told him I was going to bed and he did not have to come. I knew that he wouldn’t come anyway.

The next day I told him it was inappropriate to ask him over that late. We had a bunch of debate over the responsibilities and commitments with all his partners. My point is that he could not manage them all, and it was difficult to manage the feelings as he said. He told me that he would offer the best attention and favor to the partner as he could, but at the same time, he expected the partners could live independently and take care of herself, as he wouldn’t offer too much material-based support.

I assume he would very busy at work as a senior engineer, but he spent the entire afternoon debating with me. He sounded anxious, and even desperate. Finally, he offered to have poly date with me before I found my next date, and he promised to leave me alone after that.

It was so attempting, given my condition at the time. I missed romantic connection after breaking up and I really needed it. But I made the right decision. He never heard from me again.

I was very angry and even felt assaulted when I first received messages from a poly. I felt assaulted because they didn’t respect my request for a monogamous relationship and perhaps I was treated as an easy target to turn into their partners. But then I gradually accepted this culture, even if it was still unacceptable to me. Not everyone looking for a poly is irresponsible for themselves and their family. Many of them tried their best to manage the relationship and take care of their partners. Based on my conversations, polys were having a hard time finding the right match on Tinder.

However, for me as a single girl who never dated before and looked for a traditional romantic relationship, it was easy be targeted for coercion by people looking for poly or other non-traditional relationships. The problem here on Tinder is that it includes everyone with different needs. It is a very frustrating conversation between two people looking for completely different things.