Dating : It’s Me, Your Tinder Match Who Never Wants to Meet in Person

Wow — I can’t believe we’ve been texting for two months now. It feels like just yesterday we both swiped right and were matched by the almighty Tinder gods above.

All those uninspiring conversations we’ve had about the weather, going to the gym, and long days at work have been so inspiring to me. We can spend hours telling each other our weekend plans and trips to the grocery store without ever getting bored.

I feel like I’m finally getting to know the “real” you.

Our connection — this incredible, electrifying spark — is unlike anything I’ve felt for anyone in a very long time.

Does that mean I want to meet in person? Of course not, silly.

Your flirty messages are enough to keep me happy. I love hearing from you every three to five days or when you come back home drunk after partying with your friends.

I must admit, I was a little taken back when you ask for my phone number. There’s a small part of me that wants to take our relationship further. But emotionally, I’m just not ready to take that next step. I feel safe within the confines of Tinder’s built-in chat. Please respect that.

You see, I’ve been hurt in the past. You need to earn my trust before I’m willing to meet in person. Until I’m willing to love again.

Am I chatting with dozens of other men? Yes.

Am I meeting some of them for wild, unprotected last-minute sex? Absolutely.

Those ego-boosting comments you make about my selfies give me the right amount of confidence I need to fuck the hot guy I matched with two hours earlier. You always know exactly what to say to make me smile.

That’s why I put “no hook-ups” in my profile. I’m weeding out all the creeps and jerks by sleeping with them until I find my one true match. My one true love who’s still completed devoted to me while I string them along for twelve weeks.

Could that be you?

I need to take it slow so I can feel comfortable again around men, so don’t be surprised when I keep rejecting your meet-up requests.

Asking me out for a glass of wine? Sorry, I have work early in the morning!

Interested in dinner and a movie? Oh no, I’m going to my parent’s house for a birthday dinner!

Offering to cook me dinner at your place? Ugh, my car broke down and my Uber app isn’t working!

Trust me, the investment you put into this relationship will pay off when (if) you finally meet me.

Imagine when I finally allow you to take me on a date. Our eyes will lock for the first time as the passion inside of us boils as we embrace. It will be like gazing into the eyes of your soulmate, who knows you better than you know yourself. The chemistry between our hearts and our groins will be growing and pulsating until we just can’t stand it any longer.

Until then, we will just have to leave our deepest desires to our imaginations.

I’m sorry my love, but I have to go. This hot guy on Tinder messaged me and wants me to give him a blow job. I’ll talk to you in the morning. Kisses.