Dating : She Didn’t Put You in the Friend Zone… YOU Put You in the Friend Zone

Contrary to popular belief, the friend zone is not a purgatorial place where men use friendship and favors to transform unrequited love into passionate longing. Although friend zone status is not limited to one gender, I can speak intelligently on the ways a man might find himself in the friend zone and more importantly, how to get out.

The Hesitant Guy

The most common reason a man enters the friend zone is that he lacks confidence and courage when in pursuit of a woman he finds desirable. The longer he waits to tell a woman that he wants to be with her, the more difficult it will be for him to hear and accept rejection. If he knows the woman and they are friends before he professes his desire, it’s going to be even worse!

You see, from the time a man decides to pursue a woman to the day he actually approaches her, the man is idealizing both the woman and his hope for a potential relationship with her. His feelings grow stronger daily and so does his desire for her. She becomes larger than life in his eyes and a bit of an obsession. He clings to the notion that one day, she will be everything he has ever wanted in a woman. He places her on this delicate and totally unreasonable pedestal. As his fear of rejection grows stronger, so does his countenance for time. He just wants to be in her presence and he fantasizes about the day that they will be together.

Meanwhile, the woman is developing a genuine friendship with a man that she thinks wants to be friends. She recognizes the flirting and may even see signs of a crush, but his silence makes her believe that their friendship is important to him. He hasn’t made any advances, so she starts to accept the notion that this growing friendship is safe. She starts to envision him as a good friend and she appreciates the role he plays in her life.

Suddenly, the bottom falls out. This friendship that she covets is turned on its side when out of nowhere, her friend suggests they become more. From his perspective, this status change was inevitable; but from her perspective, it was totally unexpected. She is sure that she does not have romantic feelings for the man. Whether she does not see him as dating potential or she truly values the friendship they’ve developed, she is unable to accept him in any other role. She makes it clear that she doesn’t want a relationship with the man but, she also doesn’t want to lose him as a friend. He then takes this rejection and builds what he calls a friend zone.

Now understand that she didn’t place him in the friend zone, she didn’t even create the friend zone. She simply told him that she was not willing to change the nature of their relationship. He created the friend zone and then confined himself within its boundaries.

The Can’t Take Rejection Guy

Another reason some men must settle for the friend zone is rejection. The interesting thing about being friend zoned after a rejection is that the rejected man creates this holding pattern or a virtual waiting room until the woman changes her mind. In these situations, the friend zone is a byproduct of the rejected man’s unrealistic and unsubstantiated hope that just friends will turn into something more down the road.

Because romance and not friendship remains the goal, men in the friend zone will continue to display modified boyfriend behavior. They will remain emotionally, physically, and even financially available to a woman at the same level of a boyfriend, knowing they will get nothing in return but hoping they are earning their way of the friend zone. The man begins using the friend zone as an opportunity to show the woman that he is a good choice for a potential mate. All the while, the woman is under the illusion that she made the limitations of their relationship clear. She accepts his kindness and willingness to be at her beck and call because she believes that this is the nature of their friendship. She may even be aware of the fact that the man is trying to “earn” his way out of the friend zone. She has no intention of dating him, but she enjoys the attention; especially since it requires no effort on her part.

In this situation, avoiding the friend zone is as simple as accepting rejection. If a woman is not interested, then a man should accept her rejection as a final answer. Accept the notion that she will not change her mind. A man should evaluate the relationship he has with the woman and decides if he can honestly be friends without the expectation that more is available or possible. The man needs to take an honest assessment and decide whether or not his desire for her will allow him to view her as a friend. If he cannot be her friend, then he needs to walk away. I know it sounds harsh and I know it sounds cold, but it is better to walk away than for a man to pour his heart and soul into a relationship that will never bear the fruit that he desires.

If a man decides to develop a friendship after rejection he needs to keep his intentions in check and be genuine with his behavior. He needs to behave like a friend. If he can spend alone time with her without daydreaming about a future love affair with her then, by all means, he should spend time with her. If he can answer her call in the middle of the night and be there for her without any expectation of emotional or physical reciprocation, then he should answer that call. However, if he finds himself doing things for the woman that goes beyond friendship in hopes that she will change his mind, he is being reckless with his emotions. Either change or walk away.

The boundaries of the friend zone are simple: no physical or emotional behavior that mimics a boyfriend will be tolerated. There will be no romantic or intimate touching, no long talks about the future, and no behavior that suggests the relationship is beyond friendship. Any attempts to leave the friend zone without permission are met with the reassertion that the couple’s status is “just friends”, in other words, get back to the friend zone.

It can be frustrating, especially since so many men erroneously believe that the friend zone is a temporary status. Don’t get me wrong, the friend zone isn’t a prison, per se. There are ways to get out of the friend zone, but they all reside in the eyes, heart, and mind of the woman a man has pursued. She has the power to one day decide that a man suddenly has the potential to be a good romantic match.

Some men are just destined for the friend zone. Their behavior and the way they view women make them excellent candidates for lifelong occupancy in the friend zone.

The Nice Guy

The interesting thing about the nice guy is that he is usually nice until he doesn’t get what he wants. Then, all of a sudden, the nice guy becomes quite mean. The nice guy bends over backward for a woman hoping that his kindness will be viewed as a desirable. He goes beyond common courtesies and makes himself impossibly available. He prides himself as being the type of guy every woman should want because he is so nice. He’s non-confrontational and never argues. He’s overly accommodating and will sacrifice his own comfort for the woman he is pursuing. On the surface, he seems like a great candidate for a relationship, until the woman realizes that conflict and passions are bedfellows. There is no sexual tension because there is no tension! He is undesirable because he’s so ridiculously amicable. It’s not that she wants a bad boy or a challenge, she wants a man who is whole without her. A man who is never busy and always accommodating isn’t whole. He’s literally waiting around for her to want or need something.

The other revelation about a nice guy that makes him bound for the friend zone is that he’s a nice guy to every woman he meets or pursues. Those special things he does for a woman aren’t special at all and therefore, a woman can deduce that neither is she. There’s no reason for her to feel special because his niceness is handed out wantonly and without any consideration to the benefactor.

A woman wants to feel special. She wants to believe that she inspires the treatment she receives because she is unique, not just because she is a woman. There’s a misconception that nice guys finish last and that you have to be a bad boy to attract a woman. I don’t believe this at all. I think a man can be a nice guy if he’s able to justify and explain why he’s nice to a particular woman. Additionally, he doesn’t place all women on a pedestal, only one woman deserves his adoration and only after she’s earned it.

The Emotionally Damaged Guy

The emotionally damaged guy has been hurt, repeatedly. He’s been through it with several women or one woman in particular. His pain is palpable and he’s not in any hurry to let it go. He has developed a victim mentality that makes him almost impossible to date. He views certain words and actions through the lens of rejection. Even as a friend, he can be exhausting. He doesn’t just need verbal affirmation, he requires continuous maintenance. He is constantly waiting for the proverbial ball to drop in all of his relationships.

The friend zone for the emotionally damaged guy is viewed as torture. He allows rejection to penetrate him deeply. No reason, no matter how reasonable, will soothe his pain. Even if a woman doesn’t want him to remain a friend, he will fight for this position and then proceed to persistently try to convince her that they should be more.

The Low Self-Esteem Guy

The low self-esteem guy walks right into the friend zone before he ever makes an attempt to date a woman. He voluntarily starts as a friend because he has trouble envisioning himself as anything more in a woman’s life. He believes that friendship is an opportunity to audition as a boyfriend. Though creating a friendship with a man before dating is ideal, this guy takes it to another level. He attempts to be a woman’s everything. He wants to be her confidant, problem solver, financial support, and so much more, all from the auspices of friendship. He attempts to establish his worth and value through his ability to build a woman up, even if she doesn’t require it.

Men with low self-esteem or not just undesirable, they are mentally and emotionally draining. These men are skilled in the art of self-deprecation and expect friends in their lives to rebuild what they voluntarily destroy. The friend zone is the perfect place for a man with low self-esteem because if he is allowed too close to a woman’s heart, he will do immeasurable damage.

The Type of Man That Never Gets Friend Zoned

It’s quite simple, a man who knows who he is and knows what he has to offer will never allow himself to be friend zoned. Men who know their value don’t hesitate to express their feelings and they don’t hang around the perimeter of a woman’s life hoping she changes her mind after rejection.

It is imperative that a man focuses his energy on self-actualization and self-improvement while he’s single. To create desire and value in a woman is as simple as a man developing the very best version of himself that he can.

Friends are friends. There are boundaries in a friendship that foster safety and facilitate growth. Accepting friendship while secretly plotting for more is deceptive and manipulative. Don’t enter or accept the friend zone. Don’t settle for anything less than what you want in a relationship or in life.