Dating : The King of Shit

“This shit’s about to get real.”

A large flat screen TV, the nicest amenity in the house, was nearly full blast. News about the Corona Virus could be heard loud and clear. The couple sat on the couch glaring at the screen.

“You know, we might could make a small fortune off this shit. People running out of toilet paper, hand sanitizer, food. We could resell it on Amazon, eBay, maybe Craigslist.”

“Let’s do it. Our card still has zero percent APR until the end of the year. By then, we would make our money back plus some and be set.”

Suzan and James hit COSTCO first. At the entrance they separated, and one at a time filled their baskets and loaded the car. Then they reentered, refilled, and checked out in another line. Leaving the basket right where they parked, they headed home.

After unpacking the first load into the garage, they ventured out again, this time to Wal-Mart. With the same routine and precision, the couple filled baskets with any item thought to be profitable. On a final trip, later at night, they noticed supplies dwindling. The two smiled at each other.

By the time they were done, the garage was full, packs of toilet paper lining one entire wall, the shelves and the concrete floor filled with boxes. The car had to be parked outside in the driveway.

Bright and early the next morning, Suzan started to list the many items they had acquired while James organized the supply. Amazon, Facebook, Craigslist; you’d be surprised how much people pay for scarcity. The TV was full blast in the background, still spewing news about what seemed to be the apocalypse. Panic had spawned people to buy even items they didn’t really need. Within a few hours of their first listing, the couple had already sold several items. Their hearts were warmed.

Every other day James took a trip to the post office. One morning, while he loaded the car, a neighbor walked his dog on the sidewalk. The man stopped and watched. Making no effort to hide his feelings he blurted,

“You’re a piece of shit.”

“I’m an entrepreneur. And I’m able to keep my ass clean.” A sinister grin emerged as James slammed the trunk.

The neighbor snitched, and the local news soon picked up the story. The national news followed. Reporters stopped by the house, eager to ask questions.

“Look, I’m not charging inflated prices. I’m an entrepreneur. It was just a chance for me to make a few extra bucks and fulfill a need. Supply and demand. If anyone really needs any of this stuff and can’t afford it, I’ll gladly donate it.”

The interview went viral quickly. Online trolls made scathing comments and death threats. Amazon canceled their accounts, but only after they had made a small fortune. Plus, the pair still had Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, and eBay. To somewhat appease the haters, they even donated a few items to appear generous.

One evening, late at night, they sat in front of the TV binging the Tiger King, their second time to watch the popular show. Noises from outside interrupted their solitude.

“I keep thinking I hear something outside,” whispered Suzan.

“Me too. I’ll go check real quick. Pause it.”

The second he opened the door, four strangers in ski masks rushed inside the house. Before Suzan could scream one of the assailants had covered her mouth.

The masked vigilantes pulled rope and duct tape from a backpack. They quickly covered the couple’s mouths with the tape and tied their hands behind their back.

Two of the men remained with the couple, while the others ventured into the garage. Plenty of supplies remained, especially since the panic had died down and their main supply chain had been canceled.

Pulling razor blades from their pockets, the masked men tore open boxes and emptied the contents haphazardly onto the floor. They cut through containers of disinfectants and tore open rolls of toilet paper, throwing them around the garage and then running through the house like teenagers.

Much of the toilet paper the men soaked with water, ensuring it would never be used again. Rice and pasta rained through the house like a wedding. Flour covered the furniture like a deep snow, an atrocious but fun mess to make.

Finally, while Suzan and James lay in the living room floor, unable to yell or complain, beyond sorry for what they had done, the four men stood above them to complete the final act. Scared to death, their eyes pleaded for mercy.

The men began pouring hand sanitizer over their heads until it dripped into their eyes, the muffled screams louder than one might suspect. They doused bleach and other cleaning liquids on the couple’s bodies. With what flour they had left, they coated the couple in white dust.

And then the men left, the couple still bound and gagged and eyes burning. It would be a couple of days until someone found them, alive but extremely uncomfortable and remorseful. They never called the police, but instead changed their ways and donated every bit of profit they had earned to those in need.

Hey, we can dream, can’t we?