Dating : Traveling, Break-ups, Dating, Cultures, and self-respect

It’s been 5 months since my arrival in India, I landed after a 20-hour flight from Los Angeles in Bangalore, India. Arriving in the morning meant I wouldn’t have to travel in the middle of the night from an airport to a hotel and hope that the pictures turned out to be true. Luckily I had made that choice because pictures don’t always prove to be true as it turned out in my case. I arrived mid-morning to a hotel which should have been called a motel, I didn’t care all I cared about was settling in, it was the start of my three months in India and I wanted to adopt as soon as possible.

Arriving in a foreign country for a treatment posed a variety of problems, the largest problem being that my family and friends were worried about me being alone in a foreign country, they were not convinced at my choices, and they were certain something would happen to me. I had no fear, my life was going to change, I was going to take back control of my life, I was going to live it, and thrive in it, no more coasting along. I knew this trip would change my life forever.

The first weeks proved to be exciting, I started treatment, I got separated, I went wild, dancing, flirting, going out and acting like a young 20-year-old instead of my age. I was emotionally fragile, I felt broken, and I was highly confused. Life kept throwing me these loopholes and I was running out of ways to cope, to deal with all of them. I just knew a few things I don’t drink and I will survive no matter what.

Midway through treatment as I was losing control of my life even more so if that is even possible I met someone. I wasn’t dating, but in a way I was, and one night I just met someone, it was random, at a club, on a crowded dance floor and as cheesy as it sounds our eyes met and it was like the world closed in, all I could see was him. I’ve never been overly forward, I tend to be relatively shy and quiet until you get to know me, but I knew that night I couldn’t leave without saying hi to him.

Saying hi to him turned out to be a tricky thing as I had come to the club with someone else and they proved to be quite possessive following me to the bathroom until at one point some girls took pity on me and helped me get away from him he couldn’t take a hint and I struggle to straight out say something mean or rude most of the time. Once away from him, I made my excuses to the girls and sought to find the guy with the magical smile and sweetest eyes I have ever seen in my life. I found him and said hello. At this point, I would love to say we lived happily ever after-but this is India and I’m American, my culture and his are quite different, add in the fact my life was and is considerably complicated and it has been an adventure.

After meeting the guy at the club we began hanging out- the thing is after coming out of a long relationship and jumping into what seemed to be a heavy relationship filled with passion and love was terrifying, the phrase “I’ve been badly burned, hurt, broken” was very fresh for me, I was still in pain, and more than pain I was in fear, I was afraid of trusting someone with my emotions, my heart, I enjoyed the attention of those around me and the flirting, did that make me an attention seeker or worse? Possibly but then I was enjoying it, I basked in it, after having been broken and put down, hurt, I was seeking from others what I couldn’t yet remember about myself. After a few weeks of this it almost completely ended, the ties were broken with other people who had been messaging me, my heart was healing, my head was clearing, some of the fear was dissipating but some were still there and it was lingering. How could I possibly break through it?

A month into what I now know is a relationship with the guy and ugly truth came to life, well a portion of it, and my last hold out was broken. It’s scary to let go and have trust in a guy after having been betrayed in the previous relationship, I had just come out of a relationship that was filled with hardships, trust issues, and passionless emotions. But it was at a point, the breaking point as they say where we have to choose- do we trust and have faith in a new love that is only just blossoming, or do we continue in self-destructive behavior that will lead us on essentially a suicide mission?

I had hurt the guy, I had been dishonest, and had shaped many half-truths, but in the end, all things come out, as with my drinking, I’m not capable of living a life of secrets and hiding things. I let things slip out, I spill secrets, and add in new facts that I hadn’t previously stated. I came clean of everything, and the hurt was almost unbearable. How could I have hurt someone I had come to love, someone who’s name was tattooed on my arm? How could I hurt someone I cared about. This is a question I have asked many times and this is the point of the story.

In the span of 5 months I went from what I thought was contentment in a relationship, to having surgery, traveling to a foreign country, getting separated, finding a smile like no other, finding peace, happiness, love, passion, opening my heart, adjusting to a foreign country, surviving betrayal, ego fragility, and emotional destructions. I’ve adapted to most of the cultural differences while still arguing with other things the main which is wearing tank tops and ensuring properly covered. Going to a modest conservating country means being more aware of what you’re showing and what you’re not showing. The first few months I didn’t care because I didn’t care about much. Most recently as I’ve come out of being shell shocked, culture-shocked, broken, defeated, hurt, angry, and resentful I’ve come to re-adopt the terms modest, self-respect, self-love, and have had to take a much harder look at myself, my behaviors, actions, and even the way I’ve been dressing.

Dating in India is an adventure-it’s something that’s had to have patience, a willingness to be open-minded, and in my case the willingness to open my heart again after deceit and betrayal. Is it worth it? Absolutely. As I sit here today learning that love isn’t about anger, resentments, hurt, betrayal, expectations, demands- realizing love is kind, patient, undemanding, caring, loyal, and so much more, all I can say is I may not speak the same native language, or understand all of the myriads of social constraints, but there is nothing else in the world I could imagine at this point. I may be American where cleavage is the norm, but these days I love my body, I love myself, my soul, and with that I respect it and me enough to cover up, to open up, to smile, and to set boundaries.

Long gone is the willingness to let others dictate what I think, feel, say, or do, long gone is the lack of boundaries where I put everyone ahead of me, I used to always hear “Sometimes you have to be selfish” and I used to be so confused at that statement, but these days I know that sometimes I do have to be selfish. Yes with selfish behavior comes the possibility of hurting those around you, but it also comes with the ability to be the best you possible and to care for those around you like you never have before.

As for traveling- if you ever get the opportunity to travel alone I cannot express enough my support of this choice-traveling alone has given me the opportunity to get to know myself, to trust myself, to explore how I want to explore and to be more than what I was back in the United States, I’ve gotten to dig deep, to experience trauma, heartache, breaking apart, emotional despair, and to come out of it alive- these things change a person and these days, I know I’m not the same, I’m not as naive, not as nice, but I’m still me, the new me with more boundaries, caution, and self-respect.

So if there was one thing I wish I had known before traveling to India the day after my belly button birthday, it would be, don’t take life so seriously, it changes, and what you used to want, need, or hope for may change, if it’s meant to last, meant to stay it will, relationships, ideals, ideas, expectations take work so what you put into it will determine a lot of the results. These days I work on whats imporatant to me and let go of the rest. These day’s I know as long as I keep my mind open anything can happen, anything is possible including planning a marriage to a guy who I thought was only possible in my dreams, fantasies, or in one of the many romance novels I read yearly. These days, I am not letting life pass me by in a blur, I’m grabbing on and holding onto what I want, love, desire, and deserve-in the meantime I’m adapting to life in India and looking forward to one day going back home to the US to share where I came from with the guy I love.