Dating : Yes, I have a full, interesting, busy life on my own. I am still allowed to not like being single.
Went out with my friend and her boyfriend last week and made a comment about how I haven’t had a date in a while. My friends boyfriend IMMEDIATELY started to say “Well you need to be happy on your own-“
I literally cut him off and said “I am already”
I have a dream full time job, a dream side hustle (shoutout r/RoverPetSitting), hobbies, friends, sports. I AM HAPPY ON MY OWN FOR PETES SAKE!!!!!
I find it funny how this line of thinking doesn’t apply to other areas of our lives, yet we are supposed to take it on face value. Imagine if someone told you that you couldn’t/shouldn’t/didn’t deserve a job unless you were happy being unemployed? Madness.
Amen!! I am the same….I have a full, busy life…..I would just like someone to share it with….I’m with you….
Are you me? I’m so sick of being single. Three years is too long. I’ve got a lot of great things going on and no one to share it with intimately, which is OKAY, but it’s not what I want forever. I think online dating has destroyed making real connections in big cities.
What I hate is that you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.
If you’re happy being single and don’t want a relationship then there’s something wrong with you because who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship.
If you’re single and do want to be in a relationship then there must be something wrong with you because if there wasn’t you would already be in a relationship.
I do hate hearing platitudes when it comes to my dating life, especially from people in relationships. « *You’ll find someone when you least expect it* » « *don’t worry, someone out there is looking for you too* » « *just be yourself, you’re a really great person* » and of course my personal favorite that’s the topic of your post. I’ve been single all of my 27 and a half years,and have had awful luck with dating it’s just aggravating so when I vent and hear this crap, it adds to the frustration, especially when it’s someone **who is in a relationship** telling me to be happy being single. Yeah, why don’t you try being happy and single for 27 years and get back to me.
I’ve got four masters degrees, a decent job, I have hobbies, sure I don’t go out to bars much but I never really enjoyed that kinda thing and when I did, I’ve been going to the gym for six months and have been doing a good job there (not as bad as I used to think it would be), and I have a few good friends I chat with regularly. Thinking back to five years ago when I quit trying to find a girlfriend because the constant rejection/ghosting/being stood up/being taken advantage of was too fucking much to handle and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from trying, going out to bars, singles events, dating sites, dating apps, looking at thousands of profiles and getting nowhere, I was right to stop and reevaluate things back then.
Now, yeah, I am happy. I can say that now without any hesitation. I’ve been happy the past two years and things are going alright and I’d like to share all that with a woman that I love who loves me. Why aren’t we allowed to want to be in a relationship? Am I supposed to just be alone the rest of my life being happy about being single? No, of course not! When I hear « *well you need to be happy on your own* » it really does sound more like « *you don’t need to be with someone* » I’ve wanted a girlfriend for a long time, more than half my life at this point (and honestly probably even longer than that), it’s honestly the only thing I think I’m missing in my life and it would be nice to finally have that. So fuck anyone, especially couples, who say this shit to people. I’m allowed to be happy with my life and upset/frustrated I’m single, I’m not demented for wanting to be with that special someone, I’m just… being human.
I like how the person in a relationship said that
« You have to be happy on your own » is so unbelievably condescending, i hate that platitude.
Yes, you’re allowed to it!
I hate this kind of generic advices
“Be happy with yourself”, “if you have a fulfilled life you won’t miss being in a relationship”, “when it’s your time you’ll find someone”… oh shut the fuck up and let ME KNOW WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I FEEL GOOD WITH!
I can love my life and have it good and STILL miss something
Wtf
I honestly couldn’t care about cliches and people’s platitudes. I’m living my own life and living my own experiences, and really, I’m living my own truth.
It may not be my top priority but I personally cannot shut off the desire of finding that person. I’ve modified my perspective on things and gotten away from being desperate, sure, but I can’t shut the desire off no matter how hard I try.
Also, if there were really plenty of fish in the sea, maybe I’d date more often than I do. I don’t know about you, but I’m lucky to date more than 1 or 2 people a year. I don’t see things the way some people do, but I was also told being less popular in school means fewer and shorter relationships. Seems congruent with my experiences.
Yes! When I was single people would always be like, “Oh it’s okay it’s better to just focus on yourself anyways blah blah blah.” Nahh Carol I been doing that. I got a great life. Is it wrong to want to share that with someone? Smh. Don’t fret OP, most of the time people just don’t know how to respond and that’s not an excuse but that’s what I tell myself so I don’t get pressed about it lol
This theory that people who are single don’t have their shit together bugs the crap out of me. Am I not allowed to be hopelessly single while still having my own life?
Those who are actually happy being single like me don’t want to get into a relationship any time soon. So yeah it’s flawed logic. People will only get into relationships if they dont like being single anymore.
The whole « be fulfilled without a relationship » bit runs counter to pretty much all of human evolution. We are social creatures. We are sexual creatures. Anyone who says otherwise is being trite or ignorant.
I always point to one of my favorite sayings: « A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved. A joy shared is a joy doubled. » Easy to live by this when you have a partner.
I hate that piece of advice too. It so vague and canned. For me being a quality partner is a two part formula. One is being a happy single person (you’re already doing that) and two is how to be a good dater.
This post deserves the front page.
100% this. Never quite understood why « you need to learn to be happy on your own » never resonated with me. I’m fine on my own, I’ve spent 30 years alone. I just want to share what I’ve built on my own with someone. That’s all.
I get this alot as well. I’ve been single for alot longer than i care to admit, and everytime I even talk about looking for someone I get the exact same response. I live a good life, I have friends and hobbies, hell, I even have my own house.
What makes people think were not happy with our lives just because we want to share it with someone?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy having a partner in some capacity.
It makes me crazy when someone says that wanting a partner is somehow admitting to being les than whole or otherwise satisfied.
‘You gotta love yourself first’ is a very cruel thing to say!
You deserve to love and be loved if you want it!!
Xoxo
Exactly! Just because we are happy in our lives doesn’t mean it’s easy to find a life partner! It’s not as easy as these people make it sound.
And no wonder we have such a high divorce rate. While they think they found their match, they might find out in a year or two that they made a mistake.
It sounds like we are being a bit picky and keeping our standards high, and we have a right to do so!
Well, you have to be happy on your own first :p
I get it, being single sucks. I think a lot of people are in crappy relationships and it’s become what they’re used to. Being single imo is better than a bad relationship, but there’s also the trap of getting too comfortable being alone.
Personally I took it seriously and put myself out there hundreds of times (over 1,000). The girl I’m with now is quite different in so many ways – far from ideal, but the relationship is not crappy. It’s actually really good, and although we have a lot of conflicting interests, beliefs, and personality traits, we treat each other with respect and have yet to have a fight. I’m usually fighting within the first 2 weeks (usually due to dating high-conflict people and me unable to tolerate much bullshit) – this girl is submissive and doesn’t pick fights: I love that about her. We get along great.
So I say keep trying. Spend time with people you wouldn’t « usually » date, because you never know where it might lead. Ghosting sucks, but honestly that’s a good thing: when someone ghosts you, they forgo wasting even more of your time. There are plenty of better matches and people that will respect you – just let them earn it and not give yourself away
I feel like I have to preemptively tell people “I have fun every day and I love my life and I do awesome things and have hobbies” before I mention that it would be nice to have some companionship. This is what it’s come to. I can’t just want companionship – I have to be super interesting and happy and constantly going on adventures before it’s acceptable to want companionship.
So, go out and talk to guys that you find cute.
Guy here: Just remember not to appear so busy/fulfilled that you don’t have time for a guy…..if you’re looking for one. There are reasons successful (busy) women struggle to find love.
> I haven’t had a date in a while
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Why?
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Just curious.
I totally agree with you. I have always been a partner person. I am confident, happy, and have many hobbies in addition to my career. But, I would still always prefer to have a partner to share it with. It’s just how I’m built… Nothing wrong with it! Just like there’s nothing wrong enjoying the single life for some!
Fing preach. I feel you girl
I feel you! I’m pretty god damn happy with how life is at the moment. Great hobbies, hopes, dreams, drive, making friends (trying) and getting out…
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…and nobody intimate to share it with it. I’ve made it to a point where I’m fine on my own and need nobody…which I think is part of the issue! Everyone I see in relationships each had some need of the other…I guess they completed each other?
a girl and i were talking at work about men. nothing bad really just who we’re dating and the struggles. and this guy interjects and says you have to stay busy have hobbies have things going on. took everything in me not to say listen motherfucker i got plenty going on… i just want a considerate, steady guy. where i’m not guessing about shit.
Correct, you are allowed.
Yeah like, what if you just really like cuddling. You can’t do that on your own. We are allowed to miss what people in relationships enjoy so much!
Its a catch 22. The desperation (for lack of a better word) of wanting to date someone is what makes people NOT want to date you.
Soni noticed that a lot of women will, on social media, proudly stake how happy they are single but also state they want a relationship. Is there some satisfaction they get from telling others they are fine on their own?
Cut him off…. Told him you are happy… You have a short fuse.
You living the dream i want a good job and live alone in my apartment. I have neither, i would be so happy…
I would have lashed out and made him unhappy with himself by slapping the plaque off his teeth.
It’s a conundrum, for certain. I’m glad you have friends, at this point even that’s a rarity for me. I really don’t understand it, how someone gets pushed helplessly to this weird solitary space. I try to date, no luck, I tried hanging on to some friends, no luck, turned to online dating, had a bunch of dates and then nothing. I’m reasonably sure I’ve been talking to a cam model or a bot for, like, two hours.
I understand who I was, I understand I’m quiet, dweeby, and pensive, but all this alienation is kind of maddening. All I can conclude is that forming connections is a remaining holdout of my development; a foreign and underdeveloped growth aspect, and I actually pretty afraid I can’t learn at 33. Feels bad, man.
I have overhauled my theraputic issues in the last couple years, we’re talking decades of work and build up coming to fruition. I fleshed out and am following the vision I have for my life, which means I have a future and an ambition unlike ever before. I’m finally stable after my last job let me go, resulting in spotty employment for the last couple years. And after my last LTR ended, I am finally more or less pretty contented with myself, but ugh. Just ugh, with the inability to find a new compatible partner. I never envisioned myself bunking with, being bonded to, and being associated with sedentary, antisocial, emotionally stunted, video game addicts with zero aspirations in life. I get that’s a slur on neckbeards, but jesus. I saw myself surrounded by people, touching and helping lives, celebrated as a person, by people, and especially a person who loves, understands, and accepts me. As it is, it’s very tempting to be jaded and unhappy, and I spend most of my time processing those feelings in order to continue moving forward instead of regressing.
Sorry, I know that’s not your deal, it just struck a chord because I *am* happy, I am trying to materialize my dreams. These are things I had a lot of trouble with before, and being categorically, empirically someone other people don’t want to be around distorts the realities of, well, everything. Perhaps continuing to justify dating and the effort to find a cool person to share my life with most of all. Sure, I can be and am somewhat content being alone to a large extent, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t relish at least having a partner, a circle, and a network of people who are eager to communicate and be around me. It’s rough out here, is about all I should say about it.
I feel this so much. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying life for a while now through pursuing my career, engaging my hobbies and having fun with friends and family.
I don’t need a significant other, but do I want one? Yes…it would be nice!
I’m tired of the generic things people in relationships say too, probably even because I tell myself that too.
I’m happy being single.. but I would also like a relationship.
The difference between me and a lot of other people is I’m quite happy being single, knowing the right relationship will come along eventually.
In the meantime I’m going to work on myself, so that when the right relationship comes my way I’ll actually be ready for it.
I never understood this! You’re 100% right. Same boat as you, happy, full time job, my own house, dog, and only 25, but would still LOVE someone to experience little and big things with.
In a way you aren’t completely happy since you are bothered by being single… this advice is almost impossible to win against since it can go into this stupid extreme of « you have to be glad you are single and not even look for love anymore ».
But looking at how many people are in a relationship and unhappy…
It’s always like this though, you have the same flaws as someone in a relationship, but with you it’s an issue cause you are single, two same life minus a relationship is full of flaws single and fine if you aren’t single.
He lies. She lies. They are together because they both lie to each other. That’s the TRUTH.
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I just had a realization. I don’t know why in the hell us humans make it a literal mission to find a long-term mate. Like it’s something we need to do like we’re a bunch of codependent mofos. Like we can’t psychologically exist without being involved with somebody else on a long-term basis or we will die. Getting a long-term mate should be like accidentally meeting somebody or just maybe even seeing a person in real life that you think is attractive and then fall in love. Maybe even falling in love with somebody you already know. Basically kind of letting things happen naturally.
So my point is doing things like getting on dating sites perfectly seems natural as a way to find a bootycall .. Seems on par with just ordering food. Gosh now that I’m thinking about it using a dating site for anything other than that just seem ….desperate. Great. I hate when I have these kind of perspective changes. Fuck it I’m desperate. Lol
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