Dating : Week 1 — Going debt-free: Applying For Work and Therapy

I made plans to go on a date with a beautiful lady when I probably should be focusing on going debt-free.

What can I say, I don’t like being alone.

I was playing pool on Thursday at a bar and I watched this girl come in and sit down by herself. I wanted to talk to her, but I had to wait to finish up the game I was playing.

When I was done, I went out to the backyard and she was sitting by herself, looking at her phone. I was nervous to talk to her, but I counted down from 5, this technique I’ve been using to get myself to do something nerve-wreaking, like taking cold showers. I later admitted this to her after we had been talking and she smiled.

After a few minutes of talking, she asked me why I approached her and I was honest with her, that I thought she was pretty and wanted to ask her out and that I also wanted to get to know her beforehand. She said she wouldn’t mind going out with me.

As we talked, I grew to like her more and more. She seemed tough to me, no non-sense, no bullshit attitude. She carried a knife with her and she told me how she handled herself in fights. I was very much into it.

At the end, she said she was going to hang out with her friends who had just shown up, but she said to make sure to text her about that date.

I was excited about it.

The next day I texted her about hanging out on Saturday. She said she would get back to me. And then hours went by without hearing from her so near the end of the day I texted asking what was up for Saturday. And she said she would be busy. I asked about Sunday or next week and she texted back next week, so I said ok, I’ll text you and she said ok.

To be honest, I’ve been stressed about it. It sounds so fucking dumb writing about it here, but I like her.

But to get all… worried about it. I don’t like that about myself.

I’ve always been too worried about what other people think. Things that don’t fucking matter. Too needy. Too insecure. It’s fucking stupid.

If she ghosted me, if she disappeared, it doesn’t mean anything about me. Logically, I get that. Emotionally, something feels off inside myself. I can see that.

That’s why I’m going to therapy. I made a commitment with myself that I would do that.

And I wanted to see someone who specializes in Adlerian therapy.

I’ve read this book, The Courage to be Disliked, but I don’t feel like I truly understand the lessons inside the book. I mean, one of the fucking lessons is we can choose to be happy, right fucking now.

So why do I choose to get upset about things? Be unhappy because a girl I like didn’t immediately text me back. I don’t understand it.

I’ve been thinking about that book and Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl. This dude was in the fucking holocaust, the worst fucking situation anyone can be in and still he kept a positive mindset. My problems are so fucking miniscule compared to his, his family taken away from him, his wife, he’s forced to work, to starve and still, this is his quote that sums it all up:

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

It’s the one thing the Nazis couldn’t take from him, his ability to choose how he would feel about his circumstances. He could choose to be sad and depressed or happy and positive.

And I have that choice too, I believe.

Somewhat.

I’m writing this on Sunday, June 16, 2019

What did I do this week?

I messaged my one friend who majored in journalism and asked about meeting up.

I’m working with a coach, from this app and website, called coach.me.

And I looked up a few jobs on LinkedIn.

Exciting stuff.

I feel like I haven’t done too much. And to be honest, I’m not sure what I’m doing here, with this writing. I should write, I should fucking write, because that’s what I want to do, I want to be a fucking writer and I’d like to get paid for this.

Thinking about this reminds me of something I heard in one of the podcasts I listened to, it went along the lines that it’s better to run a hundred miles in the wrong direction than it is standing still. Because you fail, but you can learn and also you get killer calf muscles.

Still, I don’t know what I’m learning from this writing. I don’t know if this is good writing, is it worth reading, like… if anyone cares.

But, you know, can’t give up.

This week I’m reading Mindset by Carol Dwerk. I want to start developing a growth mindset instead the fixed mindset I think I might be in.

The difference between the two is that growth mindset, you believe you can also better yourself and learn and improve.

A fixed mindset, you think you are capped at wherever you are at. If you think you are dumb, that’s it, you’re fucking dumb and you may as well just sit at home, watch tv and play video games cause that’s as good as it gets.

And then another commitment I’m making this month is I’m not going to drink. Because I certainly fucked up this day, I drank last night and stayed up way too late and then got up late this morning and, yeah, I think it fucked my whole day up.

So, I’ll see how all that shit goes.