Dating : What Do I Do With Leftover Love?

The Pain of Loss & Breaking Up

My wife and I had come to the realization that we were no longer in love with each other. Shortly after moving to New York, our journey together had come to an end. It was shocking in its suddenness and debilitating in its lack of antagonism. There was nothing wrong; we simply weren’t right.

My new apartment suited me, but it lacked joy. The city was full of people, but I was lonely.

All I had was pain.

The weight on my chest was mildly uncomfortable at best, but suffocating at worst. Night and day it vexed me like a millstone around my neck, but nothing was wrong with me. Obviously my life wasn’t an ideal picture, but there was nothing wrong. So what was the source of my pain?

The simple answer was the breakup, but that wasn’t adequate. I’d broken up with women before and was happier for it. I’d end relationships and was sad because of it, but rare was the occasion when breathing was a burden. Something more significant was at work.

“You want to be loved.” I told myself.

“Sure, but doesn’t everyone?” I replied.

“I guess…”

The few new friends I’d made during my first year in New York had abandoned me. New jobs across the country and expirations of travel visas were significant factors in their absence, but no reason made the loneliness more bearable. I did have one friend still in New York, but he worked long hours. Besides, trekking to Brooklyn from the Upper East Side felt like a cross country journey.

“I just wish I had more friends.” I told myself.

“Sure, but doesn’t everyone?” I replied.

“Am I just going to keep thinking that?!”

“What else do you need us to think?”

“I don’t need anything, but I want…”

“Exactly.”

I looked around my studio apartment in a pre-war building on the Upper East Side of New York City. The summer sunlight, diffused by trees lining the sidewalk, carved a warm path across the hardwood floor. My eyes traced the walls as they reached their fifteen foot climax; more than enough space to create a lofted area for my bed. As break ups go, this one didn’t look that bad. In fact, it was quite nice and comfortable.

“I get what we’re saying; it’s just that I loved her and she used to love me and I want that back.”

“Don’t you STILL love her?” I replied.

“Yes.”

“So what’s changed?”

“I can’t BE with her!”

“Is that really the point?”

I paused. I knew the answer, but it hurt to say it.

“But what about someone loving me?” I offered defiantly.

“Call your mother. And when you’re done with that, call you friends back home. They love you.”

It was true. I didn’t want for anything; all my material needs were met. I still loved my wife and there was nothing keeping me from feeling that way. I had friends and people who loved me; they just weren’t near. I was simply too focused on the type of love I wanted to appreciate all the love I had.

“And what are you doing to be worthy of all this love you’ve just realized is laying about?” I chided myself.

“Ok…you don’t have to be like that…I get the point!”

Because the truth was I wasn’t doing anything to honor the love I had. I took the love around me for granted, because I wanted to feel love focused on me. I wasn’t keeping up with my friends and family and making sure I expressed my love and gratitude for them. My heart hurt for my wife not because she wasn’t with me, but because I wouldn’t let it do what it wanted to do: just love her for her.

I was causing my pain, because I was selfishly holding the fire of love too tightly. Everyone needed to feel the warmth of love, but I was blocking it from flowing. I knew what I wanted, but I was clueless of what others needed. I didn’t embody the spirit of the friend and lover that I coveted for myself. I was too focused on feeling love instead of being of service to different and more meaningful expressions of love.

I glanced around my beautiful apartment once again.

“I have everything I need; perhaps more than I deserve.” I remarked. “I’ll go to Brooklyn to be with my friend; I should get out of this apartment and be with people more often. I won’t make more friends sitting around here being comfortable. Didn’t someone say ‘BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD’?”

“Exactly…Don’t forget to call mom.”