Dating : You should be picky in love

by: E.B. Johnson

Have you ever been told you’re “being too picky,” when it comes to finding a partner or building a relationship? For some, being single is a serious issue, and they’re willing to do anything they can to avoid it (including settling for someone who doesn’t really work for them). That’s not where happiness lies, though. We have romantic needs and standards for a reason. Being picky is actually just what you need in order to ensure you get what you want.

If you are someone who has spent more than a year or two being single, then you’ve probably been told — at some point — that you’re being picky. Relationships are a dime a dozen if you really want one. There’s plenty of settling that can be done, but that settling won’t bring you authentic happiness. Our “pickiness” comes from having standards, and our standards are related directly to our needs.

You have a right to need and want whatever you need from an intimate relationship. The key is being honest and wheedling out those things which are of superficial quality or low priority. There’s nothing wrong with having standards. We should embrace. What is wrong is using those standards to close the door on opportunity (or dropping them altogether).

It’s time to find where the line lies for you. You have to embrace your right to get the partner that you want. You have to accept that you define the terms of how you’re going to be treated and how your future is going to turn out. Your pickiness isn’t the problem. If you’re single now, you’re single because you have standards and you need to hold on to those standards until the right person comes into your life.

It is absolutely okay to be picky when it comes to building a life with someone. It’s better to be picky and end up alone than saddled with a family and a future that you never wanted and resent. Be honest with yourself. Your pickiness is related directly to your needs, and the right needs help ensure you land where you need to be.

You have a right to your needs

Our pickiness, inherently, comes from our needs. We all have different needs when it comes to a romantic partnership. Some of us want something intense and passionate, while others want something with a little more structure and predictability. We all have a right to our needs, and that’s one of the lessons our pickiness is trying to bring to us. Be true to what you need.

Settling is a toxic habit

Settling is a toxic habit, and pickiness is one way in which our subconscious makes a desperate attempt to protect us from this pitfall. When you settle for someone you don’t want, you end up dealing with resentment and a number of other negative emotions that can rupture your relationship altogether. It’s better to be single than toxically attaching to people you know aren’t a good fit.

Needs come from a real place

Our needs come from a very real place: our sense of value and our sense of fulfillment. Values and preferences matter. Instead of dismissing them (or downplaying them as less important than your partner’s) you to embrace your values and seek relationships and partners which align with your values, your integrity, and the things you want from your future life.

You have to think future forward

We tend to think that superficial similarities are what makes a relationship work, but nothing could be further from the truth. Great relationships stand the test of time because the partners involve commit to working toward the same goals in their futures. They want the same things from their life overall, and that’s something that doesn’t happen when we settle instead of authentically aligning ourselves.

Only your opinion matters

There’s a lot of pressure from society to pair off and create families. It’s understandable. In the not-so-recent past it was necessary to rebuild ourselves after international war, famine, and pestilence. That’s not the case these days. What we want for ourselves and our futures matters more than “rebuilding society”. This is your life to live, and you have a right to live it as you see fit with whoever brings you the greatest sense of joy, love, and support.

Once you’ve decided to embrace what your pickiness is bringing to the table, you can begin identifying the standards that define what you want from love. Reboot your self-esteem and spend some time loving who you are from the inside out. Then you can get clear on the type of person you want to return that same love from the outside in and stop saying “yes” to the wrong people and the wrong relationships.

1. Reboot your self-esteem

It’s impossible to have strong standards for yourself if you don’t even believe in your inherent value. You need to have a strong sense of self in order to know what you want and who you want. That comes through rebuilding our self-esteem and getting back in touch with the inner strength and the things we really want and need.

You have to begin believing in your right to thrive. That happy and balanced relationship you imagine in your head? You have a right to it. You have a right to a partner who comes home at night, or someone who is mature and mentally and emotionally balanced.

Begin your standard selection by increasing your self-confidence. Get a journal and spend 5–10 minutes each day journaling about your strengths and the things you do well. Use it as a personal gratitude zone and celebrate the things which you love about your body, your heart, and your mind. Refer back to this journal whenever you’re confronted with a moment of weakness or self-doubt.

2. Take some time reconsidering

Once you believe in yourself and your right to standards (and a happy partnership) you need to take some time reconsidering what means the most to you. Do you really know what you want from a relationship? What space you want it to inhabit in your life? What about a partner? What are the top 3 qualities that you absolutely have to have in order to connect and feel in love?

Focus on what you really want, apart from everyone else’s expectations. Get some time on your own and clear your head and your heart. When you imagine the ideal relationship, what does it look like to you? Does it include marriage? A family? Does it complement your big career? Or is the focus of your life?

Once you have a better picture of the relationship you want, zero-in on the partner you see yourself standing beside. What kind of person do you want beside you for the rest of time? Consider it carefully, remembering that you can’t change anyone else or make them be something they aren’t. Imagine their personality, their career, their values. Do they match yours? Ultimately, you need to share the same big picture goals to thrive.

3. Fall in love with yourself

Whether you want to admit it or not, believing in yourself and loving yourself aren’t the same thing. Someone can absolutely believe in their right to a good partnership, then not love themselves enough to see that right through. They are just as likely to fall into bad relationships with people who don’t love them, or people who take advantage. If we want to be deeply loved, then we have to deeply love ourselves first.

Self-love and self-respect go hand-in-hand. We teach the world how to treat us. Walking around, self-destructing makes it clear that we don’t see our value. This sends off smoke-signals to the predators around us, who pick up our scent and sneak in through the back door as we struggle to love the broken child within.

You need to love yourself and know what you bring to the world. You are a powerful person, and you have a right to be treated and spoken to with compassion and with respect. Once you start doing those things for yourself, you’ll attract others who are summoned by strength rather than weakness. These are the people who genuinely want to see us thrive, without promise of return or hope of a payoff in the end.

4. Align your life with your value

Displaying your love of self to the world isn’t enough, you also need to make sure that it’s aware of your value and how you want that value to be respected. This happens not so much through demands as through living by example. When you align your environment and the people that fill it with your values, you become surrounded by fulfillment, abundance, and peace.

Stop trying to balance yourself on double-edge razor wire. You know who you are, and you know how worthy you are to so many people. Stop seeking people who have integrity lower than your own. Stop trying to force things to work with those who see you as worthless or “beneath” them.

Seek careers that reward you for your worth. Look in the mirror every day and name 3 things that are beautiful about yourself. Surround yourself with people who build you up or encourage you to make the most of your talents and skill sets. This is how we align our environments in such a way that our self-worth is recognized.

5. Stop saying “yes” to the wrong things

Being picky will get you nowhere if you allow yourself to give in to the things which you know are a bad fit. This is settling, and settling never brings us anything but negative emotions and complicated fallout. You have to be true to yourself in all things, but that can require letting people down and saying “no” to the things that aren’t a good fit for us.

It’s time to stop agreeing to bad relationships. There’s no point in settling down with someone who doesn’t fit your needs, and vice versa. You’re wasting time and you’re wasting energy. Be honest with yourself and be honest with others too.

Being single and happy is better than being in a relationship with someone you can’t stand. You know when something isn’t a good fit. Don’t cave to the pressures of society and stop trying to make yourself fit ideals that don’t work for you. When you actively make room in your life for the right person, they’ll come waltzing through the door. Make that room now by clearing the space in your life of those who don’t belong there.

When we’re single, we often get teased for being “too picky”. Pickiness is important, though, when it comes to finding someone who aligns with both our needs and our values. Rather than settling for something that doesn’t make you happy, you have to realize the truths your tendency for pickiness is trying to convey. Being picky comes from a place of having standards. Prioritize the right ones and pinpoint the standards that matter most to you.

Reboot your self-esteem and use this new belief in yourself to identify the things you truly want (and need) from an intimate partner or a long-term relationship. Fall in love yourself and use that love of self to demand the same value in others. You deserve to have someone who respects you, and someone who sees the inherent wealth in who you are and what you have to offer. Align your entire life with your values, and look for a person who complements those same values. Stop saying “yes” to the people and the relationships that you know are a poor fit. You have limited time in this life. Don’t spend it wasting your time and your energy on those who will only bring pain and unhappiness into your future.