Why are some people so jealous that they are unbearable?
METRONEWS service – 2016-02-06T10: 15: 00.000 + 01: 00
At two in the morning, on your way to the bathroom, you find Jules on the phone in the living room. In the space of a second, doubt has crept into your mind. Forgotten the toilets, this phone call torments you, leaving little chance for Jules to convince you. Pity. Because he was actually working with a morning client in the US. Offset requires.
Bernard Gébérowicz, psychiatrist, couple’s therapist and author of I stop being jealous published by Eyrolles, deciphers these painful moments of solitude in three points.
► What is happening
« Jealousy is most often the result of great anxiety, fear of abandonment or rejection, rooted in something old, childhood. This behavior with those around them leads to mistrust which, in affective relationships, can take up a lot of space, making exchanges complex.If at the beginning of jealousy there are doubts, it is the certainties that generate excessive jealousy.
Mistrust has for mechanism a reasoning in reverse. That is to say, we start with the conclusion. Then, we look for the clues that validate it. In this reverse reasoning, there is no room for the other. This is a great difficulty in a couple, because the spouse has the impression that he or she has no control over the situation, except to aggravate it by reacting. Which is discouraging « , explains to metronews Bernard Gébérowiscz. In fact, jealousy is a bit like a felt-tip pen lying at the bottom of a bag without a hood. If we are not careful, little by little, it ends up screwing up everything.
► What we all feel
« Three markers make it possible to determine or perceive jealousy:
1) Close monitoring of acts and gestures, as well as computer equipment (laptop, telephone).
2) Restriction of contacts. The jealous person tries to separate his / her partner from all external relations.
3) The devaluation of the other. We cannot deny the violence of these markers, which are synonymous with the hold over the relationship. A relational violence in which what was fair becomes asymmetrical, where one takes the ascendancy over the other. The dose of jealousy must be acceptable so as not to invade the relationship, at the risk of it flaring up. Conversely, a total absence can be experienced as a cruel lack of interest. Here too, the measure is in order, even if the culture of each one matters a lot. « Deciphers the psychiatrist. Fair trade is good for chocolate, but also for Jules and me.
► How to get out
« It is necessary to take care of your relationship so that it suffers as little as possible. The more pleasant and fulfilling it is, the less room for doubt. And if it has managed to interfere, to be able talking about how the partner behaves on the outside and being careful in certain circumstances is a good start. The jealous person can, as much as possible, learn to manage their anger, to process their emotions so as not to let it invade while taking care, also of his self-esteem. It’s a big job. » he concludes. Who said life together was a piece of cake? A hermit, no doubt!
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