Dating : NSFW Is anyone else turned off by a partner’s casual mention of sex acts with other people?
First off, I know I’ve got some red flags here. I grew up in a fundamentalist house to parents with a very unhealthy relationship, particularly regarding jealousy. So please bear that in mind, but for the actual question:
Is anyone else turned off hearing these kinds of comments? I’ve been seeing this guy for several weeks now, and we’ve both expressed an intent to date seriously. We were sort of sexting today, and he says, « Ass eating is my fave. »
Like, good. I’m on board with this. But we haven’t done that with each other yet, so while I know he wasn’t meaning to bring up past experiences, it still hit me as a little insensitive.
Later on, I tried to tell him why that turned me off, but I guess he’s not able to relate. I don’t think my message has landed, but I’m afraid of frustrating him by pushing it further.
So I guess I’m asking, do you ever feel that way? Or is this some ish regarding my own past I need to overcome?
Depends on how explicit it is. I don’t want to hear about « the best night I ever had with Brad whom no one will ever compare to », At that point, go be with Brad. But if a girls like « I love to have my ass eaten » then I’m like « Cool, I love eating ass ».
Uhhhh I was expecting to read this thread and find out he was giving some super detailed explanation of the time he fucked Tina and she did X and Y.
He literally mentioned a sex act that he enjoys and that sparked this? You’ve got some serious issues. Is your expectation that he’s a virgin? Or that he’s never tried anything even remotely kinky?
He did absolutely nothing wrong here. I would even applaud him for saying what he likes in a was that *doesn’t* spark thoughts about past partners.
No. I’m an adult. There’s a difference between him saying “I used to do x with *names girl* and it was amazing”, where sure, I’d be on board with you. And him telling you things he likes without any mention of circumstances.
In this situation I think the issue is fully on you and your own insecurities. If you’re adults then you can’t expect him to be a virgin, and he should be able to share his sexual desires and what works for him with you. You’re in an adult relationship, and having that openness is part and parcel. It’s not fair to expect him to be sexually repressed and not share how he’s explored in the past. I mean, I will tell a guy what I like, and I know because I’ve explored. Am I supposed to have unsatisfactory sex until “he” discovers what I like because he cannot handle even the mention that I have had sex before him?
If I were you I’d do some reading on learning to lose jealousy, maybe even some counselling, and just work through that yourself. It is *not* in this situation your partners responsibility to appease you.
Quite the opposite. If he talks about a past sexual encounter and he gets turned on remembering the experience, I get aroused by his arousal. I get aroused right now thinking about his arousal.
I consider it a positive that he had a happy past sex life and knows his kinks. I can use it to my advantage.
Respectfully, this is a huge overreaction on your part. If a person I was seeing reacted like you did, I would not keep seeing that person. But know that jealousy, sexual possessiveness, and general closed-mindedness are all huge turnoffs for me.
It’s not even that uncommon to feel the way you do (it’s called retroactive jealousy), but it is very problematic. He can’t have a favorite sex act just because he hasn’t done it with you yet? Can he mention any sexual likes/dislikes? Any favorite position? Way he likes to be kissed? That he’s ever had a girlfriend? That he’s ever found anyone else at all attractive? Or done anything sexual ever – all because it wasn’t with you?
You are not the first or only person he desires sexually and you certainly won’t be the last. Nor is that a reasonable thing for anyone to expect of you, either.
I understand you had an upbringing that probably instilled very problematic views of sex in you, and I’m truly sorry. Please know that it is not healthy to feel jealousy and possessiveness to that extent, but it is absolutely something you can work on.
It seems like you want him to be a virgin. I would understand if he actually or specifically talked about doing it with other person, but that does not seem to be the case and would be a turn off. It seems you need to get over the fact that he is not your first for some things.
In that context, no. I know what I like because of my experiences with other people. He knows what he likes because of his experiences with other people. We need to talk about these things so we’re not going in blind.
No, that means they are flirting with you and are actively saying they will please you, he’s stating his sexual desire.
Now if he had said I just bleeped someone that was awesome then that’s a red flag, but sounds like he’s just being open and honest
>but I’m afraid of frustrating him by pushing it further.
You absolutely should not push it further. You are in the wrong here (though I do understand your feelings).
There is a big difference between your date saying « I always loved eating my ex-girlfriend’s ass » and « ass eating is my fave. »
In the latter case, it is your issue and you need to work through that.
I think this is your problem tbf. He’s probably done stuff with other girls before he met you. In the same way you have done stuff with people in the past.
If a girl told me she liked ass eating, I would be fine. If she told me she liked ass eating and then told me about a past experience I didn’t ask for then I would be a bit put off.
I come from a pretty conservative upbringing, and had to do a lot of work with my perspective of sex to unpack a lotttttt of repression and toxicity (Thanks, God.).
For me, learning to see my partner as a full person with rich life experiences and respecting their choices as an adult took a lot of mental energy bc jealousy and repression can be so powerful. But it can be and should be done. Your partner is a full human being who lived a life of their own agency before they met you, and we should respect that they were with people who they enjoyed time with and made them happy, and also that it obviously didn’t work out.
It’s all a part of their timeline, and you and they (and everyone) deserve to have their happy moments respected, even if it was a sexual context that makes you feel some kind of way.
Had to re-do my comment. I think you’re being a tad weird. Folks will have experienced something sexually without you. He didn’t say « I love when Ashley ate my ass » he just said he likes that act… I don’t see the issue
Yes but not the way you described. A woman telling me what she’s into is sexy. A woman telling me about her ex that was 9″ and could make her cum like a fountain…no…I do NOT want to hear about that.
I may be rare in this too – but – if she’s bi, I am actually down to hear about the stories with women. I guess it’s just dicks that make me insecure, lmao.
I know what you mean, it’s like a ughhhh feeling. A quick screenshot in your brain of him doing it to someone else. But when those thoughts come into my head I just try to not let it bother me. I think you should not bring it up that it bothers you. You’re still early in the relationship. He’s probably thinking more about doing it with you than whoever he did it with last anyway. Good luck!
In short – no, if he’s just telling me what he likes I never get turned off from this, more likely the opposite lol. The foundation of a good relationship is creating a safe enough space to communicate on any topic. The foundation of a great sex life is talking to each other about likes/dislikes/turn ons/turn offs/things you want to try etc. This is all normal.
Everyone is different but for me it would only become insensitive if he talked about it in relation to a specific ex or person, or compared me to an ex – « I love it when *she* did this », « my ex did it like this and it felt better » that’s insensitive and hurtful, instead of just saying « I really like it this way ».
Did he even actually say he did the act before? He could say he like something because he watched it…. doesn’t mean he’s experienced it.
In your situation others might be, but I am definitely not. « I love eating ass » is so vague. He didn’t mention anyone’s name directly. Also if I might be so forward but jealous is really unhealthy for a relationship. If jealousy is an issue which will cause problems in future relationships, therapy is always a good solution.
If every r/dating post had something to do with eating ass I would never get any work done. These comments are absolute gold!!
I had a guy casually mention that a girl he dated always wanted to do it on the beach. I dont even remember how anything close to that topic came up but it was such an unnecessary thing to share. Like thanks now I have an image in my head of you having sex with some girl on the beach.
This will sound harsh and I’m not saying you are the exact same as this.
But one of my abusive Exs acted the same way you’re acting here. She would ask me what I like, but then use that against me and say she will never do those things because I’ve done them with other girls. So now you’ve set it up so that he is not going to be comfortable with telling you what he likes because he knows it will cause an issue for you.
Please do not project your insecurities onto other people. You need to take responsibility for your feelings. If I was the guy in this situation, we’d be done. But I’ve learned that from past experiences.
I think it’s just different comfort levels. You’re absolutely fine having preferences for what you like to talk about. As long as you’re not judging him, you’re good. I used to be uncomfortable talking about sex, but eventually got used to it. Now it’s not a big deal to me, I’ve more or less heard it all.
I think it’s hot when my girlfriend tells me these things that she did in the past that she liked.
I actually like it. I used to hate it but as I’ve gotten kinkier and less jealous as I’ve gotten older, I actually love sharing stories of past sexual experiences. Bragging about making girls cum before turns her on and she tells me about how she learned to suck dick and the wildest things she’s done before.
It’s pretty freeing being able to let the jealousy just roll off your shoulders.
My gf and I are quite happy talking about experiences we’ve done in the past. It’s more fun to talk about things we haven’t done though and that we can try out together.
What we do is play never have I ever, and then we can talk about it, and if something comes up we both haven’t done, we can say, well let’s give this a go then.
At the end of the day, it’s in the past and what’s done it done. I’ve had some wonderful experiences, so has she, but we may want to do them again, but together and things we haven’t done we want to try it out together too.
No? You sound a tad insecure to be honest. Me and my partner laid everything out on the table; he talked about sex with his exes, and I talked about sex with mine. It showed me that we trust each other enough to be truthful and vulnerable like that. Plus, it helped with future encounters. It gave me insight as to what not to do with him, and he got a better picture of what I like or dislike. We explore, together, and if we try something that ends up not being our flavor then it’s not a big deal. Conversations about sex should be open. It takes a lot of allowing him to be human, and allowing yourself to be human too. Will you be jealous the first couple of times? Maybe. Should you continue to be jealous, or linger on those thoughts? Absolutely not. You can feel your feelings, but at the end of the day remember that you’ve both had sexual partners before, and that’s not something you should feel shame or anger about.
Ultimately though, despite your past affairs, you chose each other.
Yes. It’s called [compersion](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-compersion-and-how-to-practice-feeling-empathy-instead-of-jealousy)
Edit: lmao I realized I read the title wrong and you’re actually turned OFF not on…
Not at all. Open, candid conversations galore, including sex.
I’ve also been to sex clubs with a former girlfriend, so no real jealousy to speak of.
It’s all pleasure.
Yes, absolutely and I’m a guy!
This is your own thing to overcome. If a guy can only talk to you about liking what you two have done. How can he talk to you about anything?
Shit, don’t tell me you like kissing. We haven’t kissed yet!?
I think it’s good you tried to talk to him about what made you uncomfortable. But, he wasn’t being insensitive by talking about liking to eat ass while you two were sexting. He might choose to try be considerate about it, but it’s your baggage to work on. You are building a cage for someone else to live in. That is unreasonable.
This is crazy. Whenever I have a new sexual partner I talk about all of the acts that I do and do not like and ask them to do the same. That’s called communication. By your logic, I can’t tell someone what I like because that means I’ve done it before? So do we just not talk about sex at all and just fumble around with each other and hope we’re getting it right? I like giving blow jobs. I can’t say that? Can I ask him if he likes getting blowjobs or is that off limits too? So he’s not allowed to tell you he likes to eat ass and you’re not allowed to tell him if you like that or not? I just… can’t.
Obviously if we were referring to specific people or circumstances that would be different but in your example your just talking about the act itself? Jesus you must be having shit sex.
I’m not gonna lie, this sounds like an immense overreaction on your part. If this upsets you, get ready for a storm of pain in a relationship.
If a girl tells me, »I love sucking penis 😉 » I will relate it to me, and go (hell yea, can’t wait) I’m not gonna get mad because it indicates she has sucked a penis before. It’s flirting. It’s also a reality that she has and I should not get insecure over the past since she is with me now