Dating : [21M] Every time things with a girl aren’t going well, I feel hopeless.

Dating : [21M] Every time things with a girl aren’t going well, I feel hopeless.

Last year I went on my first ever date with a girl. I had fun, and I thought she had fun but she ghosted me and was with another guy shortly after. I was extremely upset over it. After so many years of trying and failing, finally getting a shot at an actual relationship was supposed to be my big win. I took some time off dating after that, it was covid anyway so it’s not like people were going out. I used that time to work on myself and get some things I’ve always wanted to do crossed off the bucket list.

I dipped my toe back in the water this week, and it’s not going good. I downloaded Hinge, matched with literally one girl, messaged for a bit, got the cold shoulder when I tried to move the conversation off Hinge. I know it’s stupid to let this one thing get to me. I know she doesn’t matter. I know that I’m going to be fine. But I don’t *feel* like that. I feel really hurt. I feel pretty hopeless, as if that was literally the last girl on the planet. I know she’s not but I feel as if she is. Basically what I’m trying to say is that the things I know to be true are not matching up at all with my feelings.

I made it a point this time around to stop caring about the outcomes and just letting things be what they may. Like an hour after I was shot down, I was doing just fine. But by like 4 hours later, I was right back to that same old place where I’m obsessively wondering what I did wrong, what I could’ve done different, which thing I said was the one that turned her away, etc.. I’m not sure what to do from here. I don’t want to continue shutting myself off from dating, but I hate feeling like this.

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  1. I got married very young so I didn’t begin dating until I was 38, and I went through all those same thoughts and emotions at first. I remember totally over-thinking how long it took someone to reply to a message and wondering what it meant. I will say that you do get used to it and now, when someone stops messaging me or matches with me online but then ignores my messages, etc, I’m not phased by it.

    One of the things that helped me feel better was realizing that we live in a throw-away society already, and it’s even worse with online dating. I realized that dating is no different to most people than shopping for a pair of shoes online … you find a pair you like, you put them in your cart, but do you check out? Nope, you keep shopping. And when you find an ever so slightly better pair of shoes, you delete the other pair from your cart without a second thought. That’s how people treat profiles online. These aren’t people, with emotions and feelings who get their hopes up and excited by a match, no, it’s just a pair of shoes to them. Point is, try not to take it personally because there was likely nothing at all you did wrong … just a tiny bit better profile came along and bumped you from the cart 🙁

  2. It’s like this the first times you get a rejection. But know that it will be easier and at the end of the day it is a numbers game. The more rejections the higher the chance you will find what you are looking for. This is just practice in the mean time. Also at this stage of your life having or not having girlfriend isn’t the important part. Put your focus on yourself. Learning how to cook and other small skills that once you find a girl will make you the more irresistible.

    Good luck on your journey

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