Dating : I’ve done everything right, and still get ghosted.
I just need to vent these feelings. I feel like I’ve done absolutely everything right. I’m tall (Over 6 feet), I hit the gym every single day, I have interesting and unique hobbies that I enjoy, I come from a upper-class background, I joined the « right » frat and am making the « right » friends in college, I enjoy and am great at public speaking, and I get a steady stream of matches daily off of Tinder and Bumble. Anyone who saw me walking on the street would think that I’m a guy who isn’t having problems like these, and whenever I bring them up to people I know they’re always dismissive and don’t believe me.
The issue isn’t even that my matches are unresponsive initially. A good number of them are chatty, and we’ll talk for hours and be making jokes and flirting and sharing our common interests and stories. They’ll even initiate conversations and I’ll ask if they want to hang out sometime soon, and they’ll always say yes, and then we’ll make plans and set a time. Wonderful, because that’s how dating is supposed to work, right?
Except in the time leading up to the date, some of them will become super unresponsive, and then finally they’ll just come up with some excuse as to why they couldn’t make it and then ghost me when I try to reschedule. Sometimes this takes a couple days, sometimes it even happens the next day.
Half the time, they actually stay responsive enough and we do go on the date. We have a great time, we talk about all sorts of things and have natural conversations, we get intimate, they text me when they get home, and in the days after, I will always inevitably get ghosted. I’ve only been on a second date once, and before the third she decided that we didn’t have chemistry, which, at this point, I’m pretty certain does not and will never exist.
Demoralizing is a understatement at this point. A part of me feels empty and hopeless and that I should give up entirely because experiencing this over and over definitely feels like a sign that I’m destined to live and die alone, while another part of me feels a bit angry, and that scares me. Whatever the case, it’s not like I can buy a new set of clothes, or go out and make friends and be social, or go join something that gives me a high social status, or go to the gym more often, or find hobbies, because I’ve done all that. I just don’t know what to do anymore, because dating just feels like a minefield where the tinniest misstep blows you to pieces. Giving up and laying down and waiting to die feels preferable at this point, because I’m 100% certain I’m going to die alone.
Maybe give up tinder and bumble and try going and socializing around your campus or at a sports bar or something. Don’t let other human beings be the reason you feel like your life is crap because it isn’t, you sound like a super cool guy and the right girl will come out, you just gotta keep trying my dude!!
Don’t beat yourself up over something as small as someone not replying back to you. Life is too short to be worrying about what others think and its definitely too short to be trying to impress others. Just worry about yourself, don’t take things too personal and I guarantee you’ll start feeling a lot happier. If you do start dating around just go out with no expectations for what happens next, enjoy the time you are spending. Remember dude, you could die tomorrow, don’t let some random ass chicks be the reason you regret life later on or whatever.
Good luck my man, stay positive.
I recently dropped 70 pounds and gained confidence to date again. Apart from being « fit » from the beginning, being a girl and being 5’8, I am pretty much the same as you. People just naturally assume I « must be dating » someone since everything in my life is « right » (which is definitely not true). Every time someone asks me « How are you single ? » it is like a stab in the chest. I am good at pretty much everything, can hold a conversation and do get asked out. But it never never works out. I have been single for 25 years and quite recently had my first kiss with a guy on a first date which was very unconventional for me. But It felt good and it as it helped me come out of my romantic shell a little.
This was followed by me getting immediately ghosted by the guy because suddenly after ghosting me « he wasn’t feeling it ». Something I waited so long for is now a traumatic memory which has just made me regress even further. Now I have just resigned myself to dying alone too. I guess it is just like this for some of us.
How long have you been at this? It took me two years and PLENTY of dates/ghosting to finally get to someone who I have a strong connection with. It really is a numbers game….
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What I would do to circumvent the « burn out » feeling was take breaks in between the « dating clusters ». I concentrated on my friendships and started volunteering with Big Brothers/Big Sisters. But I always understood that in order to get myself into a relationship, I needed to keep putting myself out there and never « give up » entirely.
You tried dating outside of apps? Seems to me like you just meet the wrong people there.
I don’t want to generalize a whole group of people, but what type of girls do you typically go for? Because if they’re all from one specific niche, that may be part of your problem. Of course another option may just be that you’re meeting shitty people and it’s bad luck, which happens to a lot of us, but if you broaden your options I feel like you may have better luck.
And as other people have said, stop relying solely on tinder and bumble. Depending on who you’re matching with, some of these sorority girls are matching with and talking to 10+ dudes at a time, and in that sense it’s like a competition. If you meet girls in person, you’re more likely to stand out.
Have you tried Hinge? Tinder and Bumble seem more like hook-up type apps.
What’s the average length of your first dates?
I always try to keep my first dates around 30 – 45 mins. Just enough for her to make impressions but not enough for her to know everything or get bored, and I’m always the one ending the date.
It’s worked out OK so far. Most of the time I make it to second a third dates, then get ghosted xD
Post some text convos in an Imgur album. Bet there will be obvious things you’re doing. You’re the common denominator here
I’ve the same background I think. I’m white, well over 6′, fit, well educated. I’m dedicated to my hobbies and I work on myself. I looked back at those I dated previously, since two years ago. All the ones that I myself rejected are now in a relationship (they got in really fast) and those who disappeared are still single.
So now I put them in two different categories. There are those who want the relationship and those who think they do. And I have a super simple trick to identify in which category they belong.
If she chases you, it’s damn sure she knows what she wants. If that one disappears, then you can tell you’ve done something wrong. If she doesn’t put the efforts since the begining, you need to be a damn unicorn or something. It’s not about not making a mistake, she just won’t change her mind. It’s not your fault. Without purposely doing it, she uses you for some male presence in her life, but doesn’t feel like committing anytime soon. Then she gets bored and want someone new for her company.
Dating is also about filtering.
If you’re as good looking and charismatic as you say you are, just hit some bars and parties. Should be really easy for you. If you’re accurately describing yourself, that is.
>Giving up and laying down and waiting to die feels preferable at this point, because I’m 100% certain I’m going to die alone.
Holy catastrophizing, Batman. Just because all these people are ghosting you doesn’t mean you’re going to 100% die alone. You sound like you’re burning out, so just take a break from all the apps. It’s a ton of work and it’s grinding your soul down. Take the time to really think about what you want in a partner, and what you have to offer a partner. Then maybe a couple of months from now, rejig your profiles to target the kind of person you’re looking for. And have a look at this: https://www.doctornerdlove.com/ask-dr-nerdlove-how-do-i-get-a-second-date/
Lot of lenghty good hearted but bad advise here.
You are probably needy or get needy at some point of the interactions, maybe when you start to feel the girl is not as responsive and attentive as she used to be.
Does that resonate?
Reading your post gave me a fatalistic, Im not the problem everyone else is the problem vibe. Kinda made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Maybe you give that vibe to the girls, too? Perhaps you should ask a few of them. A couple of the girls that ghosted you months ago. Text them something like “ hey, I know we didn’t work out and that’s cool I respect that. Feel free to ignore this message. But I want to learn how I can be a better man. Could you find it in your heart to tell me, honestly, what it was about me that caused you to lose interest? Was I too weird, too intense, idk I promise not to bother you again or hold a grudge or anything, I just really want to learn how to better. Thank you in advance for any advice, I won’t bug you again ”
I think you’re under estimating your results. You go on dates with 50% of the people you contact. honestly the way you write your posts tells that it may be something in your personality or your emotions that makes them not stay longer withyou.
when you see them for the first date, are you complaining and whining about how hard it is to date? If you are you may want to try other topics
I didn’t read the entire post but assuming your in your 20’s? if yes, go to different places to approach women. Most Women around your age are immature, ignorant, thats why you keep getting ghosted.
I also agree with chunkylver99
Yes a lot of people assume that an attractive, fit, kind, like-able, and social person has it all put together. But, none of those factors are guaranteed to bring you love.
One day, one of my coworkers asked me if I was having “woman problems”. Another coworker joked and said “He’s really attractive. He doesn’t have any woman problems.” It amused me and made me uncomfortable at the same time.
I would suggest spending time with people who validate your concerns. Your friends seem like jerks. It’s also good to deactivate your dating apps temporarily to decompress from the stress of working the grind to find a partner. As corny as it sounds try being your own significant other and take care of your own emotional needs.
A lot of people are detached when it comes to the dating scene. They want the highs of intimacy and romance with no strings attached. they’re either emotionally unavailable or they have an “upgrade mentality” where a “better person” is a message away.
I’ve been feeling burnt out as well, but two things keep me going:
1. As long as I put myself out there in a respectful way, I’m doing my best. There’s no need to be hard on myself.
2. All it takes is one person.
I hope this helped a little, stay strong ❤️
This is more common, mostly as women can do it… clearly if ALL dating Apps were removed the dynamic would alter quiet a lot…
fuck these hoes…. stop tryna find love…. stop tryna do dates. in college, most girls just wanna get slammed by a stiff peen, who will eat up their snacks and watch movies with them…..
> we get intimate, they text me when they get home, and in the days after, I will always inevitably get ghosted.
* Stop getting clingy after you fuck them.
* Stop using Tinder to find an emotional bond.
hi! I completely fell you! I am a nice girl, sweet and smart. I have always been very successful at uni, now I have a good job, I have lived in different countries, speak 3 languages, love the nature, etc.. But still it is more than 5 years since I am single. I am turning 28 years this year and just moved alone in a new city/country and I am afraid I will stay lonely and I cant understand why. I am using now Tinder but lots of guys do not seem interested in keeping up after the first or second date