Dating : Can we stop normalizing ghosting as a part of modern dating and recognize that it’s a completely unacceptable thing to do to someone?
You see so many posts/articles talking about how it’s common in modern dating, focusing on the victims and talking about how much it hurt… but where are the folks who are ANGRY?? You know, the way we are when someone cheats? We get PISSED!!
It’s not that different from cheating. It leaves you wondering why you weren’t good enough for that person. You feel used, disrespected, insulted and indignant. And IT’S NOT OKAY.
JUST GROW THE FUCK UP AND SAY HOW YOU FEEL, PEOPLE. IT’S NOT THAT HARD!!!!
And if you’ve been ghosted.. don’t let them get away with it and don’t feel like it’s your fault in some way… GET PISSED!!
EDIT:
Taking this from one of my comments to clear this up: It’s upsetting that people are misunderstanding what I was trying to say but this is it. Im not trying to control other people like some commenters are saying because here’s the thing: if this guy were to message me and tell me that this wasn’t working for him anymore for one reason or another, I would understand! And I would say so! And sure not everyone would react to that rejection maturely, but like (one commenter) said you can’t control that. You can only do your best to be honest, mature, and respectful yourself. Not everyone is going to do the same, and if they don’t… good riddance. You did your part and you don’t have to have them in your life anymore. But the reality is that most people are going to understand. Most people have experienced rejection before and can handle it, but honesty and communication makes that a lot easier to process.
The person who ghosted me invited me to his cousin’s wedding and said he wanted a relationship in the future. We slept together multiple times, spent multiple full days together and had a ton of fun, and we talked about how surprised we were by how much we ended up liking each other. Then he disappeared. So no, I’m not talking about some Tinder date you never met that stopped messaging you.
And yes, cheating is a different level of betrayal. I have been cheated on and I know how traumatizing it can be. I’m sorry if that comparison offended some people but what I meant was that being ghosted is degrading in a similar way.
EDIT 2: Also weird that everyone assumes I’m talking about online dating tbh. I was ghosted by someone I was in a relationship with for 6 months, someone who I knew from junior high in my hometown aka real life. Currently being ghosted by a guy I met in college.
EDIT 3: Also I’m a woman. Not an incel or whatever as people seem to assume. Sooooo there’s that.
It makes me incredibly angry but to a degree I understand why people do it so it curbs my anger marginally. So many people react like a 4 year old when they are turned down, cussing, screaming, insulting; they can’t handle being rejected. So instead of rolling the dice and hoping this person isn’t a lunatic they choose to take a less confrontational albeit rude, path.
It depends for me. If in a relationship or dating for a fair amount of time ghosting is unacceptable and should be called out.
However if you’re seriously getting pissed because someone won’t respond to your messages on tinder if you’ve never even met them, it says a lot more about you than your potential date.
Ghosting is to cheating as pulling a sapling from the ground is to pulling a tree from the ground. You’re talking about orders of magnitude of difference.
Ghosting is never going away because the people who benefit from using it as a tool the most (people who get lots of unwanted attention (usually the most attractive people)) are not going to stop. The effect trickles down from there.
It’s very different from cheating. There is no need to get pissed or this upset over someone that doesn’t value or care about you. Unless it’s a relationship that suddenly went MIA then sure get mad but anything less than that, no. Just accept it and Move on.
I get both sides.
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I was ghosted literally out of nowhere. No argument, we had great conversation, he was making plans with me earlier that day to see me again. I don’t hear from him for two days so I ask if he is ok out of genuine concern for his well being. No response and I see him in public a couple of days later. We make eye contact and he still ignores so I text him one last time « Really, you are 34 and still ghosting? Good luck to you. » That was the end of contact because I won’t ever beg for a man’s attention.
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Then down the road I broke up with someone because I just lost the feeling of chemistry and he was too smothering. He tried to make me feel guilt and wouldn’t accept the break up. Still texted/called me pretending we were still in a relationship, sending me flowers, he was in denial. It freaked me out and I ended up having to block him because he just wouldn’t leave me alone. I thought to myself « Damn, no wonder people ghost. »
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It is immature and cowardly to ghost, but also I can understand why some people do it. Depending on the person’s maturity level that is being cut off, it really can be the easier option.
Sure so long as we can stop normalizing nonstop texting as “dating”. Texting is not dating and no one should be expected to respond to every text- esp when someone texts all day long or even every day.
Hey, it’s that topic that comes up like 3 times a month on this sub.
For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that whoever’s ghosted you did.
>It’s not that different from cheating.
This is fucking ***terrifying***. I would never feel comfortable going on a first date with someone who feels this way. To insinuate someone ghosting is the same level as cheating makes me believe you’ve never been cheated on before, and that you ***grossly*** underestimate the mental trauma involved when breaking that lebel of trust. I’m happy for that, but ghosting is leagues worse than cheating.
To cheat, someone decides to ignore established trust for their own selfish pleasure.
To ghost, someone decides to ignore your need for closure.
>JUST GROW THE FUCK UP AND SAY HOW YOU FEEL, PEOPLE. IT’S NOT THAT HARD!!!!
Not everyone’s response to ghosting will be as insecure and selfish as this. Other people recognize a person’s ability to choose independently of their wants. They understand they chose to stop things without a succinct sentence to your face or a text or etc, *because you don’t get to control how other people act.*
Stop trying to control others and you’ll be less angry.
> It’s not that different from cheating
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I stopped reading here.
I think we need to agree on what ghosting actually is, though –
That guy who just stopped messaging me even though we never met up? Not ghosting.
The guy who I went on one date with and then neither of us bothered to try and arrange a follow up? Not ghosting.
The guy who went on 3 dates with me, shared really intimate information about himself, waited until we slept together and then blocked me on all comms 3 hours after leaving my house? Ghosting. And it SUCKED.
The guy who dated me for 3 months and then decided he couldn’t hack it and stopped returning my calls even though I was just trying to get my stuff back from his house? Not ghosting – that’s called being a fucking asshole.
Yes, it’s emotionally exhausting to have to explain to someone why you don’t want to be with them. I’ve had to do it so many times, but I always just figured it was part of how exhausting dating is as a whole.
I think we should just stop being assholes to each other. Like, in general. Taking rejection badly, trying to fight your case with someone who has lost interest, lying, ghosting. It’s all asshole behaviour and giving it a special name to gain more clicks on a handwringing ‘why are people single’ article isn’t really helping anyone but the content manager, imo.
I think the main point here is that it’s not unreasonable to expect that someone explain what went wrong when their actions and words implied everything was going great. Especially if you’ve seen each other a few times and have regular communication. Expecting communication from people (whether you’re in a relationship or not) is not uncommon. We expect people to reply to our emails at work, we expect people to respond to us when we inquire about services, etc. When you’re dating and everything seems to be going great and the suddenly that person disappears, it’s not unreasonable for that person to feel upset by it or want answers. I don’t think this applies if you’ve just matched on an app and only talk for a few days though. If that happens, move on and say good riddance. Also, for the people saying they’re not confrontational and they don’t want to risk upsetting the other person: you’re unfairly projecting your insecurity of being criticized on that person. If someone gets upset because you’re honest with them, let them! It’s an embarrassment to them not to you. If they get aggressive or harassing, block them. You should never not be honest with people just because you’re afraid of the reaction. That’s how people start justifying bad behavior because they want “sparing someone’s feelings” and in the end, it just pisses everyone off.
How long were you two together?
This is….kind of ridiculous.
You’re just hurt.
People don’t owe you an explanation for why they don’t want to be with you. Grow the fuck up and get over it?
Feeling used, disrespected, insulted, and indignant is fair enough, but people are assholes and life is hard. If you can’t take someone rejected you by ghosting, then you may not be ready to date or need to adjust your expectations. It’s not unique to ‘modern dating’, its just happening more often because its easier to meet people. What do you think happened back in 1854, when your neighbor introduces you to her cousin, and yall go out 2 or 3 times and she didn’t want to see you anymore?…you think she sends you a letter saying why she lost interest, or tells her cousin to relay a message? Likely not lol
Getting pissed and angry over someone who owes you nothing (i.e. you are not in a relationship with them, so why do you feel entitled to any amount of their time) is exactly why people « ghost » rather than confront people they are not interested in. It’s easier and safer. I shouldn’t have to argue or spend my day interacting with someone who is justifying the behaviors or traits that I didn’t find interesting, or alternatively, found alarming. Just saying how I feel » has put me in terrifying situations, and I would rather just not talk to someone than have to go through being threatened, name-called, belittled, and questioned. This is nothing like cheating. Cheating implies that you are in a relationship where being intimate with other people is agreed to be off-limits. Just grow up and move on if someone ghosts you. They aren’t interested or don’t think you guys would be compatible.
Frankly I think it has everything to do with technology and social media. Easy access in, easy access out. Before social media and blocking you had to text. Before that you had to call. Before that you had to do it face to face.
Online identities have made us both daredevils (speaking our minds in a way that we never ever would in public) and cowards (ghosting, blocking, stalking, harassing).
Further it’s opened up countless more options and while this is good on one hand, too many options can create a stifling effect or a “grass is greener” effect.
I think this needs a little clarification… If you are ghosting after dating for a 3+ dates, have been physical, and are talking daily or so, then I can agree that communication is the considerate and kind way to go about it.
However, during the texting phases and first date or 2, I think ghosting IS communication. That person is saying, “I’m not that into you” and “I’m not interested in hanging again” and on the receiving end we should “read” that message clearly and move on. Analyzing it and making up stories does us no good.
Every person who reaches out to message, text, call, or grab a coffee with you does not have to write a dissertation on why they aren’t feeling you. In fact, I would bet most of us would rather be spared the details about why a person isn’t interested in us. Also, many people aren’t able to graciously accept a person’s communication if they DID communicate why they aren’t interested… It turns into drama that implies the “relationship” was more than it really was. If you want exclusivity, don’t get too involved without it. You can only control your own behavior and actions in dating, not that of others.
Why getting ghosted bothers you so much? Who gives a sh*t. If they don’t like you or decided you are not a good match for them that doesn’t say anything bad about you.
It depends for me. I think ghosting is rude but if a guy ghosts me after a date I think that’s fine since we barely know eachother I’m not gonna hunt him down.
If he ghosts me after sleeping together I might feel a bit hurt but also I def dont want to hunt him down and tell him how it wasnt ok.
If we were actually dating in a newly kindled relationship and then he ghosts me I think that’s fucked up since the relationship went into an emotional situation..
I dont think chasing anyone down to tel them how bad ghosting is, is ok because you wont teach anyone anything….just make yourself look…crazy
Yeah, ghosting sucks but honestly your reaction is why, at least for me. I’ve been cheated on and that sucks. I’ve also been ghosted, and even though it sucks– someone I am not dating does not owe me any thing. And it’s completely incomparable to cheating.
I mean, if anything is not okay it’s your reaction to getting ghosted. It sucks. But maybe lay off the caps lock for a sec.
Ghosted when you’re dating someone or ghosted when you’re getting to know someone that you would like to date? There is definitely a difference.
Yeahhhh, I got ghosted by someone who I was in a relationship with for SEVEN YEARS.
people suck.
the difference between ghosting a stranger you are dating and cheating on your SO is that you don’t owe shit to she stranger you barely met
I recently had to do it.
Simple reason was I told the guy I wasn’t ready to date and honestly had no romantic interest in him. He was adamant that we’d be okay to be friends « for now » but eventually we’ll date. When I repeated that no I didn’t feel romantically attracted to him, he refused to accept that.
Unfortunately people sometimes drive others to ghost by just refusing to accept at face value what you’re being told. I’ve also had the unfortunate experience of a guy get physically aggressive with me when I told him there would be no more dates. So there’s always the possibility that something similar has happened to them. So to a degree I get the whole just going ghost.
Cheating is not the same as ghosting whatsoever.
You go on a date with someone, it doesn’t click, and you both go about your way. If the other person contacts you, that’s when you should be honest. Otherwise, most people understand.
That’s never going to happen. If they ghost, they can use the excuse « sorry lost all contacts! » if you run into them again. If they tell you how they feel, they know you can screenshot it and use it against them, or tell others what they said and make others dislike you. Its just kind of how it is.