Dating : Half advice half rant to guys that join hobby groups to meet women
I know there are chances I’m going to get a lot of hate in my inbox for this and will have to spend a lot of time explaining myself, but I just need to express—
I often see the advice that lonely people should find hobby groups to meet people and find women to date. Awesome advice, seriously! Largely agree with it! BUT if your **only** goal is to show up to meet women, please save it and just go to bars instead.
I’ve joined several hobby groups in the past year—a Spanish speaking meetup group, a home brew group, volleyball, and most recently, a running club as I train for a marathon.
Each and every time, there is a man who I meet there and end up chatting with. I’m fully willing to accept I may come across flirty—I’m a friendly midwestern gal. But six times now across these various groups, someone I’ve just met and chatted with for a short period of time there has inexplicably found my (I thought well hidden) Facebook to ask me out.
Now, to clarify—I don’t think any guys are doing anything wrong in asking women out. They are well within their right to do so. And I am well within my right to decline them, and I’m trying my gosh darn best to do so politely. But more often than not it results in these guys getting really awkward after or sending something rude back. Which then makes it awkward to keep going to these groups.
All I am trying to express is—yes, hobby groups are a wonderful dating opportunity. But how about spending a few weeks going and trying to get to know the person you’re interested in and seeing if they’re actually interested before shooting your shot? How about trying out the hobby rather than seeing it as solely a dating opportunity? As a woman, it’s incredibly isolating to go to these sort of groups and continue to have to deal with this (I know, boo hoo, poor me getting hit on—inb4 the incels show up with their “pussy privilege” comments). It makes me feel like I don’t belong there beyond as a dating opportunity.
I’m super willing to hear how I’m wrong. And again, I get it that guys are “allowed” to be asking women on dates. And good for them for feeling confident! But don’t just come to hobby groups to meet women, please!
Yeah, I noticed that at some smaller meetups as well and turned me off to them (as a guy). Like, getting the cold shoulder when I join as if they didn’t want me there, it being 9/10 dudes, and as soon as a new woman joined the group, the guys would be all over her. The career related meetups are better usually. Many thirsty dudes just take the « join a meetup » advice at a very superficial level and are only participating to meet women asap. What’s likely going through the thirsty guys’ heads when a new woman joins: « Great! Finally a new woman! I have to be aggressive and snag her asap because I know most of the other guys here are going to try to beat me to it! »
I will try, thanks for the idea.
Plus it’s also super attractive when the guy is super into the hobby, and if he asks me, (and you’re single) I would have said yes.
Not gonna hate on this, but the reason I try to meet women via hobby groups is to find someone with like interests…
This is why I have a kind of « never ask her out the first time you meet her » at these kinds of things. Yeah there is then an awful drop off of people you see just once, but at least it’s organic
Yeah, this is why I tell people here that meetups are not a good idea to meet women. It’s usually guys who don’t have any success on online dating and think that they can cast some sort of magic spell in person that will make whatever woman that showed up to an event fall for them.
No. A guy can join a group for whatever reason he wants. Stop trying to dictate how men lead their lives.
Honestly, the red flag was they found your Facebook to ask you out … I would report that to the organizer of said hobby group. The rest of your story/pet peeve I think is off base. Practically the only true way to meet quality. women anymore is a hobby group. I agree that you shouldn’t be going there just for that though.
I will give you an example from my last two weeks. I joined a board games hobby group because I love boardgames. The organizer is this gorgeous woman that’s super smart and sexy. Well the first time I went, I swear she was flirting with me but I was like « no you can’t ask out the organizer… If it’s a no then I am as good as banned from here. Plus what if I am misreading her signals. » So I let it pass. Second time I went, after I was preparing to go I noticed that we were the last two there. She was going to the bathroom and I was heading out and said goodnight. She looked incredulous. So I said well we could walk together if we are going the same way. She then immediately gave the direction she was walking and I waited for her. On the walk, we had great conversation so I asked for her phone number. We texted a little which was also high quality conversation. so I asked her out over text. Date 1 didn’t go so great… I lost my best friend two days before so I was very sad and off but I had a great time. Anyway, she apparently did not. She texted me back after thanking me for the date but letting me down easy and making it known that I was still welcome to the board group and she was open to friendship. Honestly I feel this kind of communication is what the world needs more of