Dating : No girlfriend, no self esteem
I posted a similar topic months ago, but this is still bothering me.
I am nearly 22 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. I have tried seemingly everything.
– Asked girls out during school, always got rejected
– Cold approach
– Meeting people through work
– Meeting people through friends
– Meeting people through classes
– Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel
I’m at a loss. People always say « focus on yourself and girls will come. » But the thing is, I’m going to be the same person doing the same things with or without a girlfriend. I have my hobbies and goals in life all worked out, and I am actively pursuing them.
I am also trying everyday to be the best version of myself I can possibly be.
But the fact that I have been rejected over and over and over again, and nothing I do can seem to break this cycle, is killing my self esteem and undoing the hard work I’m putting in to better myself as a human being. I try so hard to be successful but this is eating up my self worth. I don’t even have many friends and the ones I do have, seldom contact me.
I don’t think I’m ugly. I’ve had countless dates. You wouldn’t go on a date with someone you found physically unattractive. Here are some basic stats:
6’1
Around 175lbs, very lean due to active lifestyle and clean diet
Short to medium length brown hair
Green eyes
Caucasian, lightly-tanned skin tone
I used to be extremely shy and awkward but I have put alot of time and effort into learning how to improve this. I am introverted but I make more effort with people than I used to. I always try to take an interest in people.
But every time I start dating a woman, she loses interest within 3 weeks. Every time. I don’t smell. I don’t think I’m boring? But clearly women can sense something in me they don’t like, and subsequently run a mile. Thing is, I don’t know what it is.
My friends are all off getting girlfriends and everytime I turn on the TV I see happy couples and think, why can’t I have that too? I’m not a bad person. I put the effort in. But it never works out.
Oh and whenever I use the apps (Tinder etc), it doesn’t matter what I say, 90% of the time my matches never respond to my first message. I’ve had hot women SUPERLIKE me, then completely ignore me when we match. It baffles my mind and I’m tired of my ego being a punching bag.
I know I’m not entitled to a girlfriend but you can’t blame me for being frustrated. I guess this is more of a vent than a question but, I don’t know what to do anymore. Give up?
You’re going to have to get over your self-pity issues as soon as possible.
>I’m tired of my ego being a punching bag.
Don’t know what to tell you. You’re the one doing all the punching, my man. Don’t deny it. Might want to ease up on that a bit. Mentally abusing yourself is not a good way to respond to frustration.
Face it. You wouldn’t like it if a woman blamed *you* for the fact that she loathed and pitied herself habitually. Just because she believed you » didn’t pay enough attention to her » or something like that.
*Stop doing it to them.*
Walking up to someone and acting like they’re responsible for relieving you of your long-seated emotional burdens, is an almost guaranteed turn-off.
Women just want to have fun.
And, really who doesn’t. We all want to date someone in our lives who is fun to be around positive about themselves, and has their own mental shit together.
Be the fun, confident, positive person that you yourself would want to date. Start by treating yourself with kindness, dignity, and respect even when it’s difficult. Refuse to disrespect yourself, even in your own head.
Once you have done that, then you can truly start treating others with dignity and respect as persons.
You’ve been Killing your own self-esteem long before any of this happened.
Inferiority beliefs usually develop around age 5 or 6. They’re usually a result of an excessively critical, disapproving parent.
Don’t sit here and blame a lack of attention from women for your negative beliefs about yourself. That’s all you, dude. You’re not a victim of abuse. Women have no real control over your mental habits or beliefs. You are not owed a relationship and you are not owed a date with anyone. No one is denying you of anything.
What I have taken away from this is the knowledge that I am indeed very insecure, and should probably take measures to rectify this before looking for a relationship. Thank you everyone for your feedback. I will take everything on board.
(Disclaimer: Didn’t read post, only title.)
> No girlfriend, no self esteem
The huge issue here is that you have no self-esteem without a girlfriend. Imagine how desperate that makes you come off.
Dating is hard these days. In all my single friends, I don’t know anyone who’s had a relationship other than anything casual in the last couple of years. Not to say it doesn’t happen but I guess what I’m saying is don’t let it get you down. Do what your doing and eventually you’ll meet someone on your level who wants a relationship
so what did you do during the 3 weeks that you were « dating »?
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I didnt start dating til 26. Theres no rush at all. If you have hobbies or aspirations to be self sufficient and work for yourself perhaps then enjoy the time you have being single. A woman won’t make your life complete. I don’t mean that in a negative way, I love having a partner but I also love being single.
You are basing your self esteem on whether or not you have the affections of women, who are pretty fickle and shallow sometimes.
Instead of basing your self esteem on your own self improvement and internalized accomplishments, you base it on external validation.
Women have a sixth sense for that, and it’s a huge turnoff for them.
Protip, don’t compare your life to TV. It’s fake, it will make you depressed. Especially advertising, which is designed by very clever people to make you feel some kind of shortcoming/insecurity/inadequacy and then propose their product as the perfect solution. Real people don’t have perfectly happy lives.
You’re also young. Dating as a young man can be a struggle if you aren’t physically attractive or popular. You’re establishing yourself and girls your age have more options now than most will ever have ten years from now. A some of them date older guys as well (2-10 years older). They are at the peak of their beauty. You are not at your peak desirability yet. Be patient. You can date 22 year olds for some time yet if that’s what you want
Self esteem is kinda bullshit. “You are nowhere near where you could be”
You have the potential everyday to be better. So dont focus on where you are. Keep focusing on where you are going.
Compare yourself to who you were yesterday not who someone is today