Dating : Touchy feely guys who can’t read signals and who neg
I am going to rant momentarily: what the hell. I (25f) went on a couple dates recently with a guy (25m) who I think is quite inexperienced. On the first date it was really good and he didnt touch me in a way I found offputting. I ended up back at his as it was on the way back to mine, I kissed him but then it’s like he got overexcited and picked me up and while I wasnt necessarily stoked, I also thought « eh oh well hes just really keen ». I left and went home, Im not a quick-to-hookup person and I wasnt super keen. I left feeling good and like i’d happily see him again, but perhaps mention I wasnt the most touchy feely person until i got to know someone better (like longer than 2 hrs).
So second date seemed a bit lower effort, and I also picked up more than half of the tab (i split the first date cost). After some increasingly underwhelming convo and his attempts to get me sitting at the bar side-on so he could touch me, as opposed to a table face to face (ofc he never stated but quite visible) he started to do what i can only describe as ‘neg’.
He started to comment on my responses to questions as though he were analysing my personality, but doing a bad job of it. He said things such as « i’m surprised you know that, most girls dont know stuff like that » and « you seem to think so logically about stuff, most girls are more emotional ». I corrected him both times and said actually, all my friends knew said information and actually, ive known plenty of « logical » women and « emotional » men. He claims it must just be my friends. He poked fun at my teeth.
As the night goes on, he tries to touch me more and more and i find myself perched off fhe edge of my seat visibly uncomfortable and trying to find a way to leave. I’m ages from the train station and sortve feel stuck. He remarks on my position and how i appear « closed off ». I explain that i’m not really into touchy feely stuff so early and i need to talk and get to know people first. He agrees but sounds annoyed. He starts to rub my back and im craning forward on my seat, body almost facing away. He keeps rubbing my side and leaning over me, pushing his hands towards places I am so not comfortabke with. I advise my uber is on the way, and he makes a last ditch wedge to touch said places. I get up and announce I’m about to get in my uber, and he suddenly goes « what do you think – I dont feel a connection. So I dont think this is going to work ». I stand there, so grossed out and almost in disbelief that a man who was, 2 minutes earlier trying to grope my nether regions has announced this on my departure. I say i’ll text him about this after.
I get in the uber outside and within 5 minutes have a long text about how I am such a cool person but we dont connect, but he is sure I’ll find the right person. Wth.
Anywho, point is, my exes were never physically pushy and were always respectful. They hugged me the first few dates and when we went further it was clear i was ready. I met some of them on an app, too. I am frustrated that a number of guys are as pushy as they are on these apps. What gives? Is my « I am not a touchy feely person so early on » and physically distancing not enough? I’m really small, hence why i waited to order the uber and dash – these guys can often be way bigger than me. Why are so many guys prepared to keep pushing when the girl is clearly not comfortable? It’s so demoralising and puts me off dating, I feel so disrespected when it happens.
Ok rant over. Critique away. Thanks heaps.
Seems like this guy truly does not care about having women feel comfortable. He probably has mother issues watches too much dominant male porn. Sorry you had to go through that. I know even if I date a woman does not mean I can touch her when I want she is not a toy she is a woman with a soul. Stay strong keep a positive attitude and love yourself the proper man will come along and you will forget all about this douche.
[deleted]
This guy sounds like an absolute jerk. And the kind of person who just genuinely doesn’t care about women’s boundaries. Some of them have been told that you have to be push for physical touch early on so thag the women sees you positively in a sexual manner.
Either way, everything the guy did was out of line and denegrating.
I’m the same way, in that I’m not a touchy-feely type of person, and prefer my personal space. I also don’t appreciate when men use backhanded compliments in a manner that puts down or generalizes other women. Everything he did would constitute as an immediate turn off for me, and the date would be over immediately.
Know your boundaries, state them, and if they don’t respect them, you are free to leave. If it’s not working out, you don’t actually owe them any more of your time.
Next time be more assertive with how you are uncomfortable, instead of letting him continuously gropping you. You also have a right to leave at any point during the date. The way I think of it is I have nothing left to lose as I will never see him again, plus I get to avoid being touched against my will.
Sorry this happened to you, I know you told him you were umcomfortable but you should have got up and left way sooner tbh.
This guy sounds like a real asshole. Glad you got in that Uber and left. You don’t deserve to feel uncomfortable and that’s a fact
Damn. I am a touchy feely guy who is inexperienced myself, but this was REALLY violating boundaries.
Sorry you had to deal with that. He is clearly immature and does not know how to control himself and physically escalate. As for the negging, that is a definite red flag. He would need to stop reading that PUA shit and learn other ways to build trust and escalate, like flirting and such.
Never be afraid to let someone know you feel uncomfortable if you are being touched too fast or inappropriately too soon. A mature man would back off and reengage when more trust and comfort is built. The fact that he was whining a bit and going so far as to touch you that aggressively without consideration for your feelings……I am happy to hear you walked away. Not a good sign.
Don’t be discouraged and feel objectified. There are plenty of us men who, while we will physically escalate and may go a little too far too early, will DEFINITELY respect your boundaries and stop. So long as you continue to establish your boundaries and confidently, yet politely let them know, you are not wrong or a bad person. In fact, mature, responsible men will be more attracted to you and dial back.
Start with handshakes and hugs, damn it, not full on groping and manhandling…. That man needs therapy and to abandon the red pill.
On a side note sitting face to face on opposite sides of a table is confrontational. It elicits the fight and flight response. Not something you want in a date. Doesn’t excuse any behavior of going too far but independant of that you simply may have better experiences if you go to locations where you could for example sit in a 90° to 120° angle towards him (like a round table) or perhaps walk instead of sitting around. That way other humans will still recognize you as allied if that makes sense. And you still have the necessary space to get to know him. I can totally understand not feeling well with touching or being touched at first, people should respect that.