Dating : Why is is so hard to find « the right one »
After being in a relationship for 5 years, I’ve been living the single life for 2 years. It’s not as glamorous as some people make it seem. I feel my efforts to be myself have fallen short, but see so many happy couple who enjoy the same things I do. It’s starting to get hard to put myself out there cause the results have been…slim so far. Dating sites are just awkward cause it almost always relies on the woman messaging first, or just not responding.
I’m a nerdy, geeky, kind of person, that enjoys cosplay, star wars, video games, and cons. I have found that in the 2 years of being single that finding a person who enjoys some of the same things that I do is extremely difficult.
I wish I had more time to attend cons and meet people, and but currently due to work can’t. I cant seem to find the right « recipe. »
I’m hoping someone can point me in the direction to meet/talk to women who enjoy the same things.
If you’ve made it this far thank you for reading.
I’m a girl who’s into most of that same stuff. Finding guys who are into that stuff is easy, but finding ones that aren’t socially awkward or very strange is incredibly difficult so I can kind of relate. I think the trick is to just go out and have a good time and meet people organically with similar interests and stop “looking” entirely. We tend to be our most authentic selves when we aren’t trying to find a person who fits in a box we’ve created. You’ll end up finding someone with shared interests if you just go out and do stuff that makes you happy. We meet people in the weirdest ways. The harder you look the harder someone is to find in my experience. And going out doesn’t have to just be cons, you can try meetup and go to other events in your area. Hang out with friends from work, see if they know people to introduce you to.
Maybe this will be unpopular but here it is anyway.
The right one starts with a hint of something good and grows into being the right one once you’ve got to know each other really well.
I’ve shared my life with women that had common interests with and all of them failed for reasons totally unrelated to common interests. And contrary to popular opinion on Reddit, it was not to infidelity. It was things like mental illness and not having a mutually compassionate relationship.
I am 2 weeks into this new relationship. we’re not bonding over things that we did in the past but new things we do together. We’re both fairly adventurous people and have been just looking up events on the day and going to that event and seeing if it’s a good or a bad thing. We also have our own independent lives and the other is welcome to join at any time. For example, tonight I went for dancing lessons because she likes to dance and I want to join. She is learning about hiking and wilderness crafts because she wants to join me.
I’ve read in a few places what makes a relationship grow and last is if the couple builds something tangible like skills or a house. together. I’m not sure if assembling Ikea furniture counts but we can research that later.
So I would suggest looking for someone who meshes with you on ethics and emotion. Look for someone you would be happy to call your friend because they share values with you. From that, a relationship may grow. Personally I think it’s a better shot than physical attractiveness or common interests.
Good luck
honestly it’s so hard to find the right person, i think most people who are dating are looking for something special, when maybe it’s best just to find someone with similar interests that makes you happy
But you don’t know what’s underneath those other peoples relationships… myself and my ex GF were good together most of the time out in public or together doing stuff but when we were other wise we argued and shit, partly my fault, part hers so don’t take everything at face value.
Who says being single is glamorous? Lol it sucks! Haha. Those dating aps can feel super disheartening and it’s hard not to take it all personally. But we can’t, and maybe this is the time to work on yourself, find hobbies to occupy and distract you. Find friends or an on line community to talk about the things you like maybe. There are plenty of ladies out there that like nerdy/geeky. Good luck!
There’s no such thing as the right one. You decide which one is the right one.
maybe try considering girls that aren’t into cosplay/star wars/video games/cons? you don’t need to share 100% of the same interests, likewise maybe try to develop a more diverse set of interests?
I think it’s fun to try and learn why other people find different things enjoyable, like I went to a shakespeare play with my ex gf and had a good time even though it’s not normally something I’d think of going to
It’s just tough out there in general. I can’t stand dating sites because mostly they rely on appearance, which I’m a person that needs a connection with someone. Just so you know…plenty of girls are still out there that like the same things that you do. I’m a gamer (pc) that loves cons, star wars, and all the things that usually go along with that. I feel like the new version of dating doesn’t cater to these types of people. The shy people that love to relax without feeling the need to post a bunch of pictures about their « fun » life on social media just doesn’t fare well these days. Anyway, don’t lose hope…you’ll find her!
Stop focusing so much on finding common interests. You’re not even talking about just common interests you’re talking about hyper specific and predominantly male dominated interests.
There is also no right « recipe ». You’re not seeing the forest for the trees. You’re looking for a perfect person that doesn’t exist.
Think of common interests between partners as a venn diagram. On one side are your interests, the other side are hers, and the middle part is the overlap. Trying to check all those boxes is ludicrous. You will literally never meet that person especially when so few women are in those niche groups and then on top of that how many of them that are are women you’d actually consider dating?
Stop focusing on trying to be pointed in the direction of women who enjoy the same things and work on your actual personality and ability to engage people who aren’t interested in your hyper specific interests. Allow yourself to find someone who’s a good fit for you and then *gasp* explore your interests together to see what both of you might be into. Open yourself up to learning something THEY might like that you might end up liking. It is so fucking hard to find someone worth dating why would you make it EVEN HARDER by limiting yourself to only people with common super specific interests.
Common interests are good but instead of focusing on women that are into cosplay, star wars, video games, and cons why don’t you just look for women that are into reading, sci fi, fantasy, etc… Who cares whether they’re into star wars if they have no problem watching sci fi? Why do they need to be into video games? You don’t need to have every interest in common with the person you’re dating, keep some shit for yourself to enjoy. The important thing is to not sacrifice what you enjoy aka someone that judges another for reading comics or playing video games obviously wouldn’t be worth dating for you.
As for relying on women messaging first or not messaging at all that’s a you problem not a them problem. Improve your profile. Give them something to actually message you about and engage on. Swipe more women and match more women. Work on being more engaging during your conversations. Take better pictures. I’m entirely average and I never had any problem ever getting women to go on dates with me. I’m also super geeky and into nerdy shit. I own quite literally hundreds of action figures. I don’t go out looking for women that read comics, play video games, and collect figures. You know what I look for? Does she like tv and movies? Read? Does she enjoy fantasy and sci fi? Fan of Marvel movies? That’s good enough. We can explore comics together and I can have fun introducing her to stuff I like. Video games are my thing, I don’t want to be playing games with my partner all day long anyways, they’re my escape.
**Interests do not equal compatibility.**
I have so much Star Wars knowledge that I’ve gotten to the point of being the annoying person that always needs to comment on people’s Star Wars conversations.
But, I only got that way because of an old boyfriend. My point is, you don’t always have to start out with the same interests. The best part of being with someone is sharing your interests, and creating ones together.
Others have mentioned it, but i’m gonna re-emphasize this one particular point.
Meetup.com and special interest groups.
Not sure where you’re located, but even smaller places tend to have a decent amount of special interest groups. Look for meetups @ yr interests on meetup.com and, if you’re on Facebook, look into local FB groups @ yr interests.
Go to gaming nights. Doesn’t necessarily have to be video games, either, tabletop games tend to be quite popular and attract a lot of the same crowd. Also, film screenings of movies you dig, esp. if you live anywhere where there’s a second-run theater. Go see sci-fi movies and maybe linger around a bit after the fact.
One thing that will help in all of these situations is *consistency*. Show up a few times and people will begin to recognize you. If you’ve got friends who are into similar things, maybe have them come with you and act as wingmen/women, as it will show yr trustworthy and have a life.
With all of that being said, there’s a strong chance that you might start to hit it off with somebody, they might be sizing you up from across the room. There’s a pretty good chance yr still going to have to cross the divide and *approach them*. I know it’s scary and awkward as hell, but assuming yr trying to date women or femme folks, that’s just how it is most of the time. You’ll probably feel like you want to throw up a few times. It gets easier, though! And you don’t have to have a super elaborate spiel or anything. Just a simple ‘hello’ often suffices.
Just some thoughts. I feel yr pain and yr struggle and am in a similar boat, presently. I hope it gets better for you! Good luck!
In my experience, you can’t find the « right one » when you’re looking. To sound really hippie-like: you need to feel.
If you want to meet new people, go to any place that you can meet new people like cons, maybe some classes or so, bookstores etc. Then, start making small talk with groups of people, or approach someone who’s there alone. Don’t go with the intent of finding a partner, but go with the intent of enjoying yourself.
Eventually you’ll probably meet a girl who you are attracted to. She might not share all the same interests but you’ll feel this kind of feeling that you know it’s right.
You don’t need someone that fits every box, as long as she liked you having your own hobbies. She probably has some too which you don’t really enjoy, but encourage anyway.
OP, having standards is fine, but when you set them too high it significantly reduces any chance of meeting someone. What you need is mutual understanding. Your SO accepting all your quirks and you accepting theirs, and giving each other your personal space. Not saying the ideal woman for you isn’t out there, but even if you do find someone who’s into all your interests, she could have a horrible personality, and then it won’t matter if she likes all those things or is hot af. It’s a long game, but that’s the way it is. In the meantime just keep at your hobbies and your job. Being in a relationship won’t do anything if you’re not happy with yourself. You’ll be fine don’t worry
If it was easy to find him/her you probably wouldn’t respect the bond, and you would most likely think you could do better. Good things require hardship and caring.
Its because most people are on dating sites to hookup or cheat, but never admit to that. Second of all, its because people in general will lie. No man wants to pay for a hooker when he can just trick a girl of his choice he doesn’t have to pay for. And women are getting jerked around by sociopaths who make it seem like they want something serious, so good guys never get a shot because he can’t fake chemistry and interest as well as the sociopath or narcissist, and he doesn’t want to agree to being second best when she comes back around after being played for half a year or more.
Everyone on here saying “Work on yourself. Give it time” etc. You arent answering OPs question. If you want to meet people who share those interests, go to more cosplay/nerdy events. Personally i’ve met a few girls that are into that, personally not my thing but its more common then you think now.
Based off what I learned from being with my ex, the right person is about being able to compromise and having the same values on life/being in a relationship (how much attention you want from your partner, your views on money, etc.) You don’t need to be “into” the same things, you just need to be willing to support each other and show interest because it makes the other person happy, and that makes you happy. And personally for me, i’ve never been one to be able to “settle” for someone i’m not attracted to. Its unfair to them, and it’s unfair to yourself. Go after what you want, 1/10 girls you find super attractive will also find you super attractive, and hey, that’s good enough for me.
As for being single, i’m done “finding myself.” I know who I am, I know what I want and what I don’t want. I’m lonely as hell, just waiting for the right person to walk into my life.
I keep these 2 articles to read once in a while, and to explain to family/friends who keep saying “Don’t worry about it so much, don’t focus on it, give it time and it will come to you.”
https://www.flare.com/tv-movies/why-being-single-sucks-what-no-one-wants-to-talk-about/
https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/im-over-being-single/1277197
Tell me about it
Wish I knew myself. Sometimes I think, or I personally think in my situation I’m being too picky or looking for chicks out of my league.
My grandfather who was with my grandma until the end once told me “Loving her is easy. She makes my life easier. I try to do the same for her. “
That really suck with me.
I think it might be worthwhile to try meeting new people at conventions. You mentioned that you like Star Wars, maybe going to a Star Wars convention might help, because everyone there can be presumed to be have similar interests.
I will say, the vast majority of my super geeky and nerdy friends met someone (and have since gotten married) doing non-nerdy things. Usually it was coed rec sports at a bar.
After a while, their girlfriends/wife’s just kind of warmed up to it. They even join in on board game nights and magic the gathering.
Personally, it’s totally cool to have nerdy and geeky interests. I’m a huge nerd. But I also backpack, hike, and play a ton of volleyball. Try and cultivate interests across a spectrum of things – not just one niche. People need to have some surface area to engage with you, and if you literally can only talk about nerdy and geeky stuff – then it follows that the only women who will want to date you are also only into nerdy and geeky stuff. That pool doesn’t tend to be huge, and there are a ton of women who are open minded that don’t happen to be part of that scene.
Get rid of the idea that there’s a « one » and learn to compromise and challenge your expectations. Get rid of those fairy tale notions.
» I’m a nerdy, geeky, kind of person, that enjoys cosplay, star wars, video games, and cons. I have found that in the 2 years of being single that finding a person who enjoys some of the same things that I do is extremely difficult. »
So are you and literally lots and lots of people. Give up on trying to find a girl that is into that stuff, actually dont talk about it and never talk about cons, star wars, etc. People say be yourself but its just an repulsive hobby for most people, heck even those who are into video games make often fun of these kind of people. Its like a niche in a niche as you can say.
You might have been lucky but the % of men to female ratio in these kinds of hobby has an incredible gap and often times those few that are into it, are basically having a free choice almost. Its like a dude going to a partnerdance club. There are so many girls vs dudes there many picked that stuff up just to be able to get in touch with some girls.
Try getting another hobby, mostly sports or having a pet is usually something socially acceptable. Those are my advice solely on a i want a gf 100% soon mindset as even if you do these its still that in modern society its harder for a man to get a girl than vice versa since social media put women on a huge pedestrial that might boost confidence for some people too much.
I thought I found the right one (to actually start being seriously interested) and after 6 days since our first meeting he said he loved me. I noped out so fast. It’s been 3 years and counting since any kind of real relationship for me. I feel your pain. Everyone out there seems legit insane.
It’s easy women will only go for the men who are the most sexually attractive. (Top 20%) The others are not considered. So as much as I hate it myself if you find yourself unable to find one improve yourself.
I have the same thought everyday. Been doing online dating for years. I feel the existing dating site options just don’t do a great job. Wish I could make my own.
I’m not into the stuff you’re into; but it’s still hard as hell. I’m into a little bit of everything. Most girls on dating sites say the same thing – into hiking, travel… which of course are fine things… but I don’t center my life around them.
Sad thing is – there is a girl for you out there somewhere; we just don’t have the proper tools yet to make the connection.
I can tell you exactly why:
​
In the last 10 years as the internet has grown as fast as ants to a cake sitting on grass, we human’s have been on the internet like crazy, from Reddit to Facebook, from Twitter to Instagram, it has gotten way harder for us to talk to 1 another. It’s easier to hit the block button than it is to tell a person why they don’t like them. Ghosting is a real issue in this internet world. If I don’t like you, I don’t have to answer you.
[One study shows that 24.17% of women ghost while 16.67% of men ghost.](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-psychology-of-ghostin_b_7999858?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAIaEaWQUhVH_9YhzKgUcg6QHVttlkITadyZobUfnFfm14XSmN_ka7pA-1BxInNzGisQXSwCSaWoxfo0xGsv0vRD8-xoM-nPER69T-L5_2XrM1WBtTIJfg0Hlm4ywCz3yswxi55IjpfHChqlggDsHyIp2G7uJjnDvDtBEYMTVwgFA) That being said, it’s rising in how to deal with 1 another. I’m in the same boat as you my GeekyShyguy friend.
What will slowly happen over time is that it will only get worse and if you’re not instantly unique to 1 person you wont even get the chance to try to talk to them. Sure, ghosting has always been around but being that it’s easier to communicate through the internet with someone, this is the best alternative. Lets not forget that due to the internet we can fake who we will are.
The biggest issue in this is that we don’t give enough chances to each other as it is. We are also very much afraid of confrontation due to the lack of social interaction outside the internet.
I feel you dude. So I’ve actually not been with anyone since I was 14. I have tried once with someone I met in college but she eventually found someone she liked and I respected it. So right now I am a 23 year old male who has just immersed himself in work and gaming. I have been wanting to feel what being in a relationship feels like. Sometimes I can feel lonely but again I forget about it through immersing myself through being busy. I hope you find the right advice and maybe you could give me some advice later in the future. Yeah I am shy in person so normally I am very quiet haha-
Im 21 f and very much into nerdy and geeky guys lol. You will find someone who’ll appreciate you. I’m super introvert too.
Why are you looking for someone with the same hobbies? that limits your pool significantly. I was hoping to find someone that cared about anime, wrestling or star trek etc..etc.. for quite a number of years and all it got me was constant rejections because I kept focusing on that. Also sharing hobbies or interests that are important to you with your partner isnt all that its cracked up to be and it can be exhausting if you have different levels of enthusiasm for it. Also what you find interesting today might not be something you are interested in tomorrow or in 5 years time. If you build a relationship with Star Wars as a foundation its just going to end up in a mess when one of you wakes up and gets sick of the shit Disney is handing out.
​
You need to share values with a partner. So for example, you appear to like to do new things. If you find someone that shares that value or someone that likes to learn and experience new things than you will probably find yourselves more compatible.
​
As for meeting people they are everywhere. Girls go to bars and they also go to the library. There isnt a secret club where they sit around hiding from men, they are out their living their lives and you have to do the same.
I may get down votes for this but « the right one » does not exist. It’s an idea imprinted on us by societal conditioning from a young age that we need « the one » partner who is right for us and once we find this person we won’t need to date again.
This is BS. No one person is so perfect that they can fulfill all our needs. Human beings are forever evolving and changing and we are full of flaws. You can find someone you have a lot in common with and someone you love and you can have a very happy relationship but that doesn’t mean they are « the one ». They might well be the one in that moment in time but I rrally think people on a whole need to stop looking at dating as a way to find the one that will make us happy forever.
Hey, I would recommend just do you. You’ll find people a long the way. As long as you « try » to find the right one, you’ll miss wonderful opportunities along the way. There’s a lot of people into geeky and nerdy and what not but people need to be comfortable before they let others see that side.
Focus on finding someone that propels you forward, that makes you feel heard and comfortable.
Forget about finding someone with the same interests or the same type of person as you.
From where I’m standing it seems like your biggest barrier to finding someone is making time.
You say you dont have time with work to go to cons but you need to make it a priority, take the time off.
Even in your day to day life doing more things where you will meet people week on week and get to know people can be a great way to meet someone, dont go into it trying to look for someone but just by meeting new people more and in an environment where you can get to know new people can help tremendously.
Hi. I can tell you its not at all difficult to find these kind of people – women or men.
I dont consider myself as too nerdy, but rather introvert and with similar tastes as yours. And all my partners have been the geeky type, which I have always liked and found adorable.
I will also add that sometimes, having the same tastes does not equal compatibility. This year I have met two men who have been scaringly similar to me in many ways – life perspectives, life styles and they are even redditors! And for one reason or another, nothing of importance really happened with either of them because there were different fundamental values within us. So looking for someone so similar to us is not always the best idea. Maybe trying to be open to meeting different kinds of people would be in order.
Sorry for the lack of apostrophes – my keyboard is fucked up.
Most cons happen on the weekend. Are you not able to get away on the weekends? That could be a problem then. But it also means that maybe you don’t enjoy cons as much as you think. Maybe you like cons, but you are not into cons, in the sense that you do everything you can, to be going to them, including to schedule time off, change work schedule with a co-worker, or get another job so you don’t have to work on weekends, etc
The reason I bring up this is to say that you identify a certain way, and talk about your interests. But if those things don’t define you as a person, then maybe you don’t need to focus on it when describing yourself.
Eg, many people say « I love to travel! » But when you ask them where they have gone or what they did, they say « Oh I’ve never been anywhere because I don’t have time or money to travel but if I did, I would go ». So maybe you like the idea of travelling, but you don’t love travelling. Because if you loved travelling, you would be like my friend who physically goes travelling — every few weeks, we see a new update on his FB about where he is and how he got there, and it’s not at his home city.
Also keep in mind that finding someone with similar interests is good. Guys who like fishing would love to find a girl who likes fishing. But keeping your options open to meeting other people who have other interests, would increase your chances, too.
Been single for 3+ years now and in the dating game equally long so I can relate to how you feel.
There are times where I really miss having a partner in my life and where it sucks to not have your needs met. However, most of the time I really enjoy being alone. It has to do with the fact I’m one of those people who learned to enjoy solitude and to be okay with being alone (but not lonely). When I feel down for being single, I do productive stuff like working out, going outside, meditating, helping people and providing value to others and sticking to my life goals.
What’s also really important to know is that dating apps and sites should never be your main source for meeting people but rather something that complements your already existing social circle because those apps will destroy you and your self-esteem otherwise. See dating apps as a supplement rather than a source.
If you don’t have a social circle yet, I recommend building one by improving your social skills, joining a sports club, approaching strangers in public and having small talk with them, finding friends through your hobbies or to catch up with old friends.
Another thing that will help you is to be happy for the couples you see all the time rather than feeling down because you don’t have the same as them. Be glad that they found their happiness because this literally means that it is also possible for you.
And about finding ‘the one’, I recommend to forget this ideal because it originates from a scarcity mindset. You need to work on an abundance mindset. Know that women and opportunities for sex, intimacy and relationships are as abundant as water in the oceans around the world. There will be many ‘the ones’ you will meet along your way and not just one.
Stop looking so hard… something organic will happen, way better anyway. Requires patience , but will be worth it,