Dating : 21F, getting older and still alone.
I am a 21 year old female. (Turning 22 later this month) I am a Lesbian.
Before I get into anything else I feel the need to explain what I am doing RIGHT before any of you slap me with the same bullshit cookie cutter advice.
I take care of my health and hygine. Showering almost twice daily. Using deoderant and light perfume. I eat decent and cook a lot of my own stuff. I exercise frequently. I am in GOOD shape with visible muscle definition. 118lbs currently. I have hobbies that includes boxing, running, hiking, photography, video games and my motorcycle. I constantly try to improve myself internally and externally. I work on my fashion, hair, and makeup when I can too. I also have a direction in life and focus on working towards those goals to the best of my ability.
I go out to bars a couple times a month and ask some women if they would like me to buy them a drink. I always get rejected or looked at in disgust. I use 3 dating apps currently. I was on 5 at once but that made me suicidal because the amount of ghostings and rejections I faced is now approaching 300 women. I am pretty sure its at 300 by now.
NO. THERE ARE NO LESBIAN BARS WHERE I AM. NO. I AM NOT BUTCH. NO I WILL NOT DATE A BUTCH. NO I will NOT date a biological man.
I’ve been HIGHLY disapointed and let down by the lgbt community as a whole with how deformed and deranged its become… those child drag shows and the neon shaved hair and 47 genders is a complete vile mockery. I have been bashed on because I « don’t look lesbian enough » by my own kind. Average feminine lesbians are a dying breed and it makes me upset.
I’m getting tired of hunting furiously for the right person. I’m not that picky but I know what I deserve and what is good for me. It’s horribly depressing to be this isolated.
*edit*
Wow! The amount of shitty people bashing on me can go and die, KINDLY. You somehow managed to make me MORE suicidal. Cunts!
How’s your face? Sounds like you a hottie but you left that description out. Sometimes ladies got straight up great bodies but lacking in the face department. You know what I’m saying?
Secondly, how’s your personality? That’s an important one too, even if you 10/10 hottie that got a bangin body and face combo. You sound pretty bitter about things and complaining all over the place on dis post. Aint nobody want a lady who bitter an complaining all the time. You gotta try to be more fun loving and easy going and relaxed. Gotta have dat chill and know how to have a good time.
Seriously??? I am 32 and still feel young. You are a fucking baby.
And what kind of advice do you expect? Homosexuals are minority of people, and you substract a portion of people from this minority because you don’t like them – and maybe, they don’t like you (obese, more than 1 gender, shaved hair…). Basically, your dating pool is tremendously thin, and even when you find someone from this dating pool, chances are you won’t click with her. Only advice we can realistically give you is to keep searching, because from what you wrote, there is nothing wrong with you (at least physically, we don’t know what caused your psychological problems, whether it’s lack of love or something else).
21 is very, very young.
OP your looks aren’t the problem. You are dating within the LGBT community and your opinions towards your LGBT family are so hostile…. I am a transguy, one of my best friends is a lesbian, and I can tell you for sure, if her or her partner heard the way you speak of other lesbians (calling all feminine lesbians under 200lbs a dying breed or saying you won’t date « a butch ») they would be put off. They would also be put off if they heard you touting some of that « 47 genders » bullshit- it makes you seem ignorant about trans issues which isn’t a great look for someone in the community. And sure, a small amount of people within our community can be obnoxious, but focusing on that when you are trying to look your most attractive and meet other gay women would definitely be off putting to me, it comes off as punching down at other members of your own tribe.
Stay in therapy. 21 is still so young, lots of rejection doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. I would try cognitive behavioral therapy for helping change some of your currently held views on your self image.
You are probably not going to like this, but it needs to be said: You should NOT be looking for a relationship when you are feeling suicidal.
You are depressed to a degree where you want to kill yourself. Depression causes you to act and think differently than normally. The brain has gotten into perceiving everything more negatively, which makes it really hard to accept and implement possible solutions. It shows in your attitude the entire post, all your comments and probably real life as well.
You need to get better for your own and your future partners sake. Starting a relationship will not fix your underlying problems and you would honestly not be bringing the best to the table right now. You will drag your partner down with you to some degree when depressed. This may be okay with an established relationship, but isn’t really fair to a new partner.
I specifically avoided trying to date when at my worst and waited until I got my shit sorted. The depressed brain is counterproductive for developing a new relationship and all the judgements and decision you have to make in that process.
> I’m not that picky but I know what I deserve
And this is the crux of it here. With all the effort, you indeed deserve someone special to love you. It is fucking difficult finding an amazing woman. Keep on going though, never forget, you deserve to be loved for who are, do not settle for anything less than what you want and that will fill you up with love.
> ghostings and rejections I faced is now approaching 300 women. I am pretty sure its at 300 by now.
I am in total awe at your persistence. Most would have given up by now, ghosting is a complete and utter blight of our generation. It is so fucking dehumanizing and rude and shows a total lack of morals or care for the other person.
Having said all that, I wonder and am slightly concerned what your strategy is like? ‘Hunting furiously’ sounds like there might be some issues there, or I’m reading into your meaning incorrectly. If you would like to chat about approach and such, reach out. There might be a few things that aren’t working for you where you could use an objective opinion.
If your 21 and feeling this way, wait til your in your 40s and can’t rely on looks and athleticism as much as you can at 21. I read the other comments and I have to agree with your needing to love yourself before ever expecting someone else to dig your vibe. Not love yourself like in a cliche way, but in an actual « I love me for all the shit/baggage I bring as much as the good stuff » way. I’m currently single after divorce and had to go through a lot of negative mental anguish. Life is hard. Rise above or die. We all have to deal with isolation/loneliness, your not special in your pain.
Find peace in knowing your not actually alone in this way, because a lot of people suffer with relationship woes, loneliness, lack of self appreciation, and seeing your own life’s value. In my honest opinion our society creates people with these issues. If you were living long ago you wouldn’t have time to feel down like this, because you would be too busy trying to survive. Think about it.
You’re not going to like this one.
You need to move out of state and go to a city like LA, NYC, Portland, Seattle, SF. As liberal as Massachusetts is, it has that small town vibe.
From what I read and from your head shot I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. You look great in fact (better looking than most lesbians).
To echo someone’s “generic” advice here. You’re only 21 maybe when you start reaching 45, then maybe you’re getting older (source I’m 35… still not feeling old enough on most days). Continue doing you.
As difficult as it may seem I’d say the best plan is to move to a gay-friendly area. Life is better when you have a loving partner and finding one should be a priority.
> I take care of my health and hygine. Showering almost twice daily. Using deoderant and light perfume. I eat decent and cook a lot of my own stuff. I exercise frequently. I am in GOOD shape with visible muscle definition. 118lbs currently. I have hobbies that includes boxing, running, hiking, photography, video games and my motorcycle. I constantly try to improve myself internally and externally. I work on my fashion, hair, and makeup when I can too. I also have a direction in life and focus on working towards those goals to the best of my ability.
Shame to see your hard work not paying off.
I hope you find someone who works on themselves just as much as you do on you.
What? Not looking Lesbian enough? Wth, thats just weird. I know there are some stereotypes but I didn’t think some people would adhere to it that strongly. I mean yeah, when you look at some people you can tell that they’re not straight, but its so weird that they would alienate you because of it. Maybe take a photography class or something, I’ve seen and met lots of LGBT people that loves photography, I’ve even dated some. Maybe there’s someone there.
Perhaps you should take a break from looking for love and take some time to focus on yourself because it seems like you’re lacking a lot of self-love. I’m not saying you need to go on break forever, but you need some time to yourself. These dating apps seem to consume a lot of your time and effort (300 allegedly is an incredibly huge number) and there’s no doubt that the more you face rejection and/or ghosting on such an ordinary basis, that it will take a toll on you mentally and emotionally. Also, it could be the area you live in and maybe that where you currently reside, the rate of lesbian/bi women isn’t very high
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I recommend uninstalling all dating apps on your phone anywhere from 2-3 months and just giving yourself the love and attention you deserve. I did that myself not too long ago because I felt like dating apps were really beginning to eat away at my emotions. Take yourself to a movie one night, go to the park for a walk or to meditate, take yourself out to eat at a restaurant you enjoy. Get a journal or a piece of paper and jot down 5 things you love about yourself and put it some place you can easily find it to remind yourself when you feel down.
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I saw the photos you posted of yourself and you’re not ugly or unattractive. So I don’t think it’s the looks but perhaps the way you carry yourself with the negative attitude. Believe it or not, people can read vibes. And if they feel like someone carries negativity with them, they’ll stray.
At least you arent 26 and thought you were going to marry your best friend and that didn’t happen because they came to terms with being gay.
You are still young. I am too. Dont get so hung up on relationships. Go live your best life.
I’m 25 and turning 26 this month and still single af but i don’t push myself or stress myself. Don’t let things pressure u. Ur still young to be pressured on love life. There are tons of fishes in the sea. You’ll eventually find ur match not now but maybe someday.
Showering twice a day is doing you way more harm than good, especially if you’re using body wash/soap and shampooing.
Besides that, is moving an option for you?
Fortunately for you , everyone else is also getting older so we’re all aging at the same pace.
but as for not being alone, some people have it easier than others . Just keep looking . don’t give up.
But I can also say I feel like you are entering the dating scene with a chip on your shoulder.
Looking good is just one part of the equation. Another part is personality, charm, etc.
I’m sorry about all that. That sounds kinda roungh
Honestly, just keep doing you. I’ve been struggling to find someone I really click with as well. (I’m a bi girl with heavy female preference) Honestly if you live in a small town, or somewhere that’s more conservative or even, god forbid, both… it’s harder and harder to find other bi or lesbian ladies.
Btw I don’t know if this helps lift your spirits at all, but I took a look at the pictures you posted before and I personally found you attractive-
Yeah that’s definitely strange- idk man. I live in a small town in Tennessee so definitely hard to find people around here lol
You get a lot of the ‘my man and I are looking for a 3rd’ types though :/
You just have a really small dating pool. Have you considered being open to an LDR?
Hey! I think you should give yourself a pat on the back. You’re doing a lot! There’s so many people who complain and speak about what they want but never put in any effort. Yeah, you didn’t get a date. But… Would you really want to date the first person who shows even remotely an interest in you? Would you really feel fulfilled?
You’re not old. I am almost 21 myself, and never been in a relationship, no kissing, no nothing, but I am happy cause I learned a lot about myself. And when you will meet someone, you could be friends first. Get along on a deeper level than lust. I am just saying.. Idk what you want or not, but life is fun when you let go of control. Controlling when you date, how it will happen etc… About suicide, I hope you reconsider! Why? Because everyday you get to do things.
I learned recently that I am rushing sooo much with everything. Because I was taught to compare my life to others. But now I am just going with my own flow, even if I don’t always get what I want RIGHT NOW. Haha, I am pretty impatient so I get you… But also when something came to me when i rushed it, i ended up disliking it.
Idk what I’m saying and if it doesn’t make sense, just disregard it, but I get a little sad when I read posts like this, because it reminds me just of how much we’re conditioned to fit in, to be this and that at certain ages, that we don’t listen to what we truly want, and don’t have patience for life to come to us while we’re having fun with what we can, in the present moment. 😀
Maybe you just don’t have anyone that you’re compatible with around you.
But I can tell you, women that you think fit your standards will probably be disgusted by you. Not going to chew my words, you are so cynical, bitter and hateful, it’s sad.
I’m not saying you should date butch women if you’re not attracted to them. Im not saying you should date trans women if you’re uncomfortable with penises. I’m not saying you should date fat women if you’re not attracted to them. All of these preferences can be reasonable.
But the way you put them? It’s aggressive, it feels like you despise everyone who is not like you, it feels like you hate a huge chunk of the LGBT community. Not just disagree, you’re hating on them. Disgusted by them. And if as someone who has experienced oppression for being a lesbian you’re not ready to show compassion and empathy for people who are also oppressed… Well you’re ugly inside. Most women who would hear you talk that way or get a sense of how resentful and angry you are inside, regardless of politics, will not be attracted to you.
In terms of concrete advice, probably go look for very conservative lesbians. They’re out there. But you know, it’s not cute femme lesbians who are a dying breed, it’s bigots, and you sure sound like one.
This post is you being at your most negative so I’m taking your attitude with a grain of salt but if you talk like this on the regular it’s apretty big red flag. Folks like positivity.
I’d say go to new places to meet folks with the intention of improving yourself, not meeting anybody. Do art or rock climbing or music or whatever. There are always queer folk in artsy or non-mainstream active space.
Poetry slams are usually hot beds. If you’re not sure if you have an interest in something give it a shot. Most ceative communities these days are not about elitism and love expanding their population.
More importantly stop getting worked up over the politics of folks you barely know. I’m not personally super progressive but i have lots of friends who are an it’s 100% fine; most people aren’t the crazed caricatures you get of them from social media.
Questions.
Are you more a masculine or feminine personality type? are you more attracted to feminine or masculine types? And do you live in a small town?
To me it sounds to me you are doing well using both online and in person tactics Your looks are average. You are focusing on your career and doing well for yourself overall but you are frustrated because you are getting zero results.
With online I’m going to assume you have good conversations skills? Asking open ended questions and the correct type of photos which you can find on the interwebs. Sadly there is nothing you can do about that if you are doing your part.
Offline dating try extending your to new places besides bars. I always recommend meetup.com I meet a lot of bisexual women there and possibly look for other websites that have meetups for lesbians or bisexual women and even if you don’t find a love interest It’s a way to build up your network and I’ve gotten dates by doing that alone.
21 and feeling old?? That sounds like something else to me… It is perfectly ok to be single at that age… or any age.
21 is old now? Shit I’m 35 and currently dating one of the most amazing persons I’ve ever met and that’s only been for 4 or so months. I have had long relationships and I have had multi year droughts.
I understand getting frustrated but you have an ENTIRE life ahead of you, you’re cute, and you have your own shit going on. For 5hat I give you a zillion props.
My only recommendations would be to change your attitude and judgements. We all have prefrences and we all deserve to be who we are. You might like some people, you might not like others, but like you they are likely just trying to do what makes them happy. Life is FULL of ups and downs, and yes we all reach the end of our ropes here and there, maybe that’s where your at? Maybe you need to make some changes.move to where there is a larger pool of people you might be interested in. You deserve love like everyone else, but your narrow preferences are going to make an already annoyingly frustrating dating process even harder.
When I stopped « hunting » the perfect person feel into my lap. I try to be positive, open minded, and keep some perspective no matter what I’m doing. Yours is kind of screwed with the whole old and 21 thing.
Lol you’re not « old » by any means. You’re not even done with your college years. You’re barely a real adult.
You’re still really young
Im sick of this bullshit.
Check into your local hospital. My great aunt was bi polar and she had to do this on occasion when her symptoms got bad. This was way before they had medications for mental health issues. There’s no shame in doing so. You really do need medical and psychological help.
You’re still super young! Don’t trip, good things come in time.
I thought lesbians have it easier than men because women are less picky about other women, maybe I was wrong.
So lesbians don’t find feminine lesbians attractive these days?
God, if you think 21 is old, that’s prob your problem right there.
But in all seriousness, it’s fucking hard to find women on dating apps. Straight men think it’s hard. Try being a bi/gay woman… Esp one that, as you said, isn’t butch. I’m bi (technically pan, I guess, but fuck those Gen Z labels) but I’ve had the most luck meeting women at clubs, out dancing, and at drag/burlesque shows or by meeting people through connections I have through the people I meet at those events. Try just focusing on going out and doing stuff and you’ll likely meet people along the way that you’re going to click with (even just as friends, so you don’t feel that isolation). Seriously, you’re young (ya, I’m going to go for that cliche card but you don’t realize it, yet), you’ve got plenty of time and chances. It may also be a geographic thing. I used to live in Conservative Land and found much more success and more dating opportunities moving to a college town and areas around a larger city.
Stop looking for it and it’ll come to you.
Your issues are far too grave to expect help from random people on the internet. Call the National Prevention of Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255. They will be able to provide help
and resources for you. Good luck.