Dating : 26M, Childfree vandweller. Never had a relationship or even female friends. Is my situation hopeless?
:::Language Warning:::
Like the title says. If beige was a person, I’d probably be him.
I recently started thinking about trying to find a relationship, and have begun to worry that I’ve reached a point of no return. I fear that no one would want a guy that hasn’t even dated at 26, let alone one that doesn’t want children, marriage or even a house. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been extremely shy and averse to interacting with women, and have no idea how to talk to them in any way other than professionally (and even that unnerves me). My social skills aren’t just lacking, they barely developed to begin with. Most people who ‘need to get out more’ likely have more friendly relationships than I do. A day of entertainment for me is browsing the local hardware store followed by a late-night gaming session or re-watching Die Hard. I hate the idea of noisy nightclubs and expensive restaurants, and I don’t drink. An attempt to ask someone out in my current state would probably resemble the ‘density’ scene from Back to the Future.
I really, really wish this was a joke.
The worst part is the self-awareness. I know exactly what’s wrong with my situation, but I worry that the alternative is putting on a mental mask and forever pretending to be someone I’m not, and I’m too honest to do that to someone.
I know there are good women out there. Even my closest friends, all fellow gaming nerds, managed to find partners, so I know it’s possible. But is it likely? Their dating pool wasn’t limited by being CF, living in a camper trailer, or their social skills being fucked. I looked at online dating, but it was a complete shitshow.
I know there is more to life than where I am at, but I have no idea where to start and need LOTS of help.
Any advice on how to proceed would be appreciated. ANY advice.
I mean, there are definitely women out there who wants all the same kinds of things you do in life – but since they are such a small percentage of people, the probability of meeting one through any natural means who is also mutually interested in you is probably very very low.
Which means that if you want a relationship, then yes, you’ll have to concede on some of these things (maybe not the child stuff, but maybe not live in a van?).
Another option is to try finding someone who shares all of these values in a non-traditional way. For example this dude (https://singleguyfromadelaide.com/) set up a website and advertised it on popular social media to get the word out there.
The third option, which is the obvious one, is to work on improving yourself and expand the amount of girls who would want to date you, thus increasing your odds of finding a compatible mate. Improving your social skills couldn’t hurt and only has upsides for you. I’d probably focus on that first. Then, if you’re lacking on this front, try improving your look like working on your fashion sense and find out what makes you look good, and work from there.
Those are really the only realistic options imo barring being a sugardaddy/mail order bride/that sort of stuff. You can wait and hope for the right girl to drop into your lap – and it might happen – but given your particular set of circumstances the odds of it seem very unlikely. So your choices are to increase your dating pool by expanding the amount of women who want to date you either by advertising yourself more/improving yourself, or conceding a few of your expectations.
The lack of relationship experience wouldn’t bother me. Not wanting to get married would be a deal-breaker for me but many women would share this preference. So that leaves your living situation.
Is the van dwelling something you have been forced into by your finances (and could therefore change one day) or a deliberate choice on your part to free up money for other stuff? If it’s the former then maybe work on your financial situation before trying to date. If it’s the latter then your dating choices (except for casual) are going to be restricted to fellow van dwellers (which is fair enough as a long term relationship with you would involve her also living in a van).
Hope this helps
> I fear that no one would want a guy that hasn’t even dated at 26, let alone one that doesn’t want children, marriage or even a house.
Unfortunately this is likely true. Some homeless chicks or drifter chicks might hang out with you for drugs or a date to McDonalds, but otherwise I don’t think you have a lot of options. Few women will be attracted to your living your situation and your apparent lack of goals. I assume you might at least have a job
If you were a hunky stud you might be able to get some lonely housewife to visit you in the van for some cheap wine and receiving pipe but that’s not exactly dating. You might be able to find a free spirit type hippie chick who would be ok with it, if only temporarily.
I think if I was in your situation with no desire to upgrade my life, I’d try to meet some hippie chicks.
Honestly man, I think a relationship or dating are reach goals for you right now. You literally need to just get used to interacting with women, not even in a romantic capacity. Introversion/shyness is a personality trait, but social anxiety is a clinical issue and something that you can address or get treatment for. Like you mentioned, your social skills aren’t developed. Let’s say you met your perfect match and she would like you for who you are and all that…but you can barely hold a conversation with her. It’d be over, and it would have nothing to do with your personality/interests.
In terms of how to work on this…look into therapy as an option and set your goal as working on the social anxiety. If that’s not an option right now, google/look into exposure therapy for social anxiety.
As somebody who is dating a 34-year-old vandweller(well. Part-time vandweller right now), it’s still totally possible for you to meet somebody you really connect with.
I’m the second girlfriend he’s had in his life, and we met through a shared love of a sport. It sounds silly at times, but having a hobby or sport or some kind of reason that gets you out there socializing can REALLY help. I’m into small/mobile living as well, and overall we have similar priorities and ideals. So looking for that in a partner(rather than the prettiest face or whatever) will go a long way in finding somebody compatible.
It’s up to you, there’s nothing wrong with your situation if you’re happy. You don’t need women or dating etc etc. you should meet female friends at places that you enjoy to go to, it’s a mutual interest spot and you’ll be more comfortable there rather than a club which you hate and you will give that away with the annoyed look on your face.