Dating : [27M] sharing some thoughts about dating and (casual?) sex after a LTR and COVID

Dating : [27M] sharing some thoughts about dating and (casual?) sex after a LTR and COVID

Looking to give back some positivity to this sub. Long post.

TLDR: Had only one partner for 8 years, got cheated on, covid happened, 1.5 years later first tinder date, first casual sex, was bad at first but then fun and eye opening

Some background: I’m a bicurious demi, have been bordering on asexual for a long time. To say I wasn’t ever big on porn and masturbation as a teen is an understatement, and that certainly played a role in my development.

Anyway, I got into a relationship with my HS sweetheart at 17. We grew together, stayed together, had various phases, moved in together and eventually grew apart, she cheated on me and we split badly.

I learned a lot in the following 1.5 years of covid restrictions and two half assed situationships with friends.
I began noticing how many insecure, codependent and desperate tendencies I had been left with, and for how depressing and painful those times were, they were eye opening and somewhat regenerating.

I finally started questioning my prejudice about friendships supposedly leading to better relationships, and other prejudices I didn’t realize I had against dating apps, and, god forbid, *casual sex*.

I didn’t just want to « get laid » for the sake of it as I can please myself quite satisfyingly in single player, I just wanted new experiences with new people without the added emotional burden and frustration which I had had enough of.

So I finally got on Tinder and landed some matches, one of which clicked more than the others circa a month ago.
This girl is not only my type, she’s much more experienced than me, more extroverted and slightly intimidating.

Intimacy starts happening fast, and shit I almost feel like a virgin all over again.

We cross the threshold on the 3rd date, and it’s my first time after 1.5 years. It’s not a good time. I feel detached from all of it, which is sort of what I was looking for, but also slow, awkward and *too fucking gentle*. Textbook demisexual, right?

It seemed like we just weren’t sexually compatible and I was ready for her to call it quits but she was way more understanding and non judgemental than I thought, despite her experience and overall persona.

That’s where I realized that, as obvious as it sounds, *feelings and depth can be found in casual sex*. Yes, even through dating apps. No, they don’t have to take over the situation. Yes, people can give you a second chance even if they have other options.

We met again yesterday as I really wanted to please her and find out what she wanted to do to me. I got out of my head, had fun, gave head, she came.

The awkwardness came back when she got to my D then she just lost the drive halfway through. Despite the will to keep the mood light and fun, this fucked with our heads a bit and we just said goodbye shortly after.

Don’t know if I will be seeing her again but honestly? I would have cared much more one year or even six months ago. I would have texted, chased, felt insecure AF, jealous about other people she’s seeing, I would have questioned my sexuality and sabotaged my self esteem.

Instead, I’ve realized I’m learning not to read too much into people’s actions, their words, or even my own thoughts.

Your partners have feelings and insecurities too even if they have a higher « body count », if they have never been romantically involved, if they have kinks you don’t see yourself into that they fulfill with other people.

If they are in bed with you, they probably like you.

Be open to change while keeping some distance. Be into it, get out of your head, but don’t ever try to get into someone else’s. Connection and communication can and should happen even without feelings, or at least before them.

For anyone who could be in a similar situation, take the leap. Worst that can happen, provided you’re both decent humans, is you will have a new experience under your belt.

I hope this can help someone. Thanks for reading!