Dating : Am I making things more difficult for myself by only wanting sex while in a relationship?
So I am fairly new to dating and need some guidance. I have recently graduated college and now that I am out on my own, I have been putting myself out there more and more. I never really had the chance to date while in college so I am having to play catch up which is fine, but my inexperience in and of itself does make things a little difficult. While I have been meeting a lot of really awesome people, I always get kind of stuck when sex becomes a possibility. I never participated in hookup culture while in college because I never really liked the idea of just sleeping with someone without fully trusting them or at least knowing them a fair bit. Will this make things more difficult for me or will it just mean I have to tweak my approach?
Not more difficult, but just realize you’re playing to a certain demo. The ones not looking for the same thing are irrelevant so they’re not worth counting as a “loss”. The portion left is what you’re concerned with only.
Like the other commenters say, be up front with your boundaries and it’ll weed out the incompatibles early on so you don’t waste too much energy up front. The more you do it, the more you hone your radar for likeminded people.
I’m in the same boat as you and never get bogged down. My convictions help. I’m always transparent in regards to dealbreakers and boundaries early on to give people the chance to opt out before either of us is invested.
It’s worked so far! You’ll be fine.
Might want to edit that title, it’s a little misleading . Lol.
Be upfront about your intentions to avoid confusion and misunderstandings with people. You’ll find people who are likeminded, just be patient.
Eh. I’ve talked to girls that want this but here’s the thing: I’m not agreeing to a label unless I know we’re compatible. This includes sex. I don’t expect sex the first date, but somewhere between date 3 and a relationship, I’d want it. I can get sex, that’s no issue. I’d want sex WITH YOU to see how we match. It’s important to me. Sex is like the 3rd most important indicator of compatibility, right behind personality and goals.
Just be open about your intentions from the beginning, so the only people who stick around are the people who are ok with it. It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now I just want to have some fun.” It’s also perfectly ok if that’s not what the other person wants. That will happen, but it’s better to tell them now instead of stringing them along and breaking hearts. You will find people also just looking for some fun.
Edit: Wow misread the post. Either way be open and honest about your boundaries.
More difficult yes – but that’s what makes it better!!
You’re asking for what’s best for you, and what you believe will nurture you. You have good foresight with what will set you up well for the future. Stand by it! Own that shiz. Don’t settle.
I’ve learned the hard way to speak up. I was afraid by saying no, they would leave. Red flag!! I had to learn to be secure in my choice.
Lay down the gauntlet from the very beginning. Be super open, but not demanding.
Looking back, saying “no” to certain people was the best decision I could’ve made for myself.
You should never feel pressured into sex, no matter what you decide.
The person who truly cares for your well being and what’s best for you (and them!) will wait! Are there a lot of them out there? Nope. But not everyone is for you. And that’s totally okay.
Best of luck!! You’re not alone in this journey!!
If you are a guy it will have hindered your ability to get a mate, yea. You gotta get up to speed with your peers.
If you are a girl, don’t worry at all. A much higher proportion of men will excuse inexperienced if not outright prefer it.
As for waiting till a relationship for sex, this is quite uncommon today and you will experience compatibility issues out the wazoo. Just be honest about what you want.
Set your own boundries for what you want. You can ofc change your mind on things, have a foundation then take it as it comes.
Not at all, it’s already a given you’ll have it once you’re both exclusive anyway. Just have to warm the girl up to it.
If you’re a guy yes, if a gal no
We need a lot more info. Are you male or female? Age range? Location/culture? Whats your target demographic? How long do you typically date someone before beginning a relationship? All of that makes a *huge* difference whether you like it or not.
I’d say yes, you are making it more difficult for you to date and start a relationship. The exception would be if you were in a *highly* religious area, and even then most religious people are full of shit when it comes to sex and abstinence.
Sex is normal. Sex is a critical part of any healthy relationship. People are going to want to know if they are sexually compatible before committing to a relationship. That’s perfectly fine and I would suggest that you also would benefit from having sex with a potential significant other. You also need to know if you are sexually compatible with someone.
There isn’t anything special about “saving” yourself for a relationship, or marriage, or even dating. There isn’t anything wrong with sleeping with someone while dating. I’d suggest waiting a few dates before sex, make sure you are conscious of your health and emotions before it. Be self-aware, empathic, and situationally aware enough to make a good judgment on the person and your potential relationship.
Worst case scenario is that you have sex with someone and it doesn’t work out. So what. As long as you weren’t abused, coerced, or given an STD you’ll be fine. In fact you’ll most likely enjoy it. You don’t have to sleep with anyone and everyone.
If you’re a guy, women don’t really expect you to be able to get laid anyway.
If you’re a woman, you are cutting down the volume of men that will court you but you are vastly increasing the quality of them and also increasing their estimation of your quality.
Like a lot of other people have said, just be open and honest about what you want/your intentions! You’ll find other people who share your views.
I’ve realized that a lot of my concerns/hangups about being attractive to women can be addressed by acknowledging the fact that « different women want different things ». Well, same thing goes for guys.
There are guys that are guaranteed to lose interest if they don’t get any action early on. There are also guys that would really appreciate that you want to wait until you are in a relationship. As a guy that has only had sexual experiences with people I’ve been in relationships with, I’m definitely in the second group.
The bottom line here is that it is impossible to please everyone, so you might as well do what you are comfortable with.
I am confused. It seems like you only want sex and you are not sure if that will make it difficult while your text says you didn’t want sex. Am I reading it right?
You can have as much sex as willing partners will allow.
You are young. Decide what you want. If you want to try lots of sexual activities until you find someone special, go for it!
But you should be honest with your partners and dates. If you do not want a relationship yet, SAY SO! It is fair to the people you date so they do not get the wrong idea.
I definitely misinterpreted that title first go-around haha
But to your point, sort of. It’s not hard to find people who are okay with forming a relationship before sex, and maintaining it afterwards. But it does weed out a pretty sizable amount of people to date too. But you have to do what’s comfortable for you, and you owe no one anything.
> Will this make things more difficult for me or will it just mean I have to tweak my approach?
Yes. Sexual compatibility is paramount in a relationship. Just like finding out if someone wants kids you find that out before youre in a relationship.
You can go at whatever pace youre comfortable with theres nothing wrong with that. You just have to realize you are going to be turning off a lot of men by making them wait a while for sex. Best thing to do is be clear about your intentions from day 1. Dont go on 3-4 dates and let the guy make a move thinking its going to happen and then sit down and talk about your views as that is a recipe for disaster.
Sex is extremely overrated and unnecessary. Just don’t think about it and ignore it and focus on them and their emotional connection with you.
I think a version of this question is asked so often that the answer has to at least be “kind of”. I don’t demand sex by x date, but I wouldn’t be exclusive or “serious” with somebody who doesn’t want to have sex until I’ve met certain criteria.
So I think with all things, you should seek some kind of reasonable middle ground. You should be aware of what dating you means to you, if you want to be able to call your SO after a bad day and just get takeout and watch TV – that for some people, being available that way, both emotionally but also just as a busy adult with things to do, might be something much more intimate to them than sex.
No, it will be easier. Wanting a relationship is unattractive. Just wanting sex is desirable because you’re a challenge, and you must be in demand if you can be casual instead of trying to lock someone down.
If you’re a girl, are you in Florida? I’m looking for the same exact thing
No because then everyone will use you, if you’re a woman. It could be worse and what happens to me could happen to you. Where men pretend to want a serious relationship, call you their gf, and then use you and make fun of you for being a slut, to their friends. When all you’ve done is expressed monogamous commitment to someone, and they treat you like a queen to your face, and like dirt when talking to others about you. It sucks.
Sex is usually anticipated within 1-4 dates.
Yes. Your approach should be tweaked BADLY!
Here’s a blueprint so you make your own. (I’m assuming you’re a straight cis woman)
Go out on the dates you enjoy, once you feel comfortable to get sexual do it even if it’s quick cause it makes everyone let their guard down and open up more. After a couple of weeks of dating (like 2) you can make your decision on long term relationship or not.
I understand my advice is basically “go into the hook up culture” but honestly you’re gonna learn from it a lot! More than any advice anyone can give you. I know cause I had to play catch up with society as well.