Dating : Dating as a woman with a dominant personality
So I have what I guess you could call more masculine personality traits – independent, assertive, like to lead things. I also make a fairly high salary.
My last relationship was with a more passive man. I thought this could maybe balance it out but he said he felt emasculated by how much money I made and that I had my life together (I am not materialistic at allllll, to note). We discussed finances before moving in together and he refused to make a budget. Overall it was a mess. He hated making any decisions and deflected to me, then resented me for making decisions.
Anyway, as I’ve got back into dating, I’ve found that I am more attracted to similar personalities to mine but I haven’t ever dated someone like that so I don’t know if we’d clash or be equals. I just want an equal, I don’t want a power imbalance which it feels like my other relationships have been. Any tips for people in similar situations? Does it work out?
I have a very close friend that is in this situation. She is very dominant and usually goes for the « passive » kind of guy and it is always a mess. It ends up with the guy falling madly in love with her, and she gets bored and can’t wait to leave the relationship.
Like her, what I think you really need is someone you can submit to, someone you can be passive with, even if it’s only sometimes. Like other redditors have said the « equal » thing is BS and deep down you know it. You CAN have a democracy of sorts in the relation ship, but in the end someone has to make the calls.
Don’t mind a woman being independent but would never be with a masculine woman.
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Big difference between the two.
Hey so I’m very progressive, understanding, and I consider myself a good person but I’d advise against seeking an equal. It’s basically impossible to have a democracy with only two votes (even number). Someone has to be in charge, someone’s vote has to be the tiebreaker.
I had the same issue with my ex. I’m much more aggressive and dominant than him so I ended up steamrolling a lot. He was very passive/caring but I loathed that he didn’t take initiative – with ANYTHING. Better job? I pushed him there. Better car? I cosigned. Credit score? He didn’t even fucking have any before I got him that car, because we had been « renting » his mom’s house.
Current bf is complete match. He’s a lot more emotionally mature than me (I attribute this to his being a father but idk) but he has ambition, initiative, etc. We do go back and forth every once in a while on some things, because we are both stubborn af about our views, but for the vast majority, we align perfectly well.
Naturally, some days he’ll push more against my wall and vice versa. That just comes with dating another dominant personality. You need to be veeery aware of what is make-or-break for you. Because neither of you will compromise on too many things at the end of the day (such as passionate hobbies/lifestyles).
> We discussed finances before moving in together and he refused to make a budget. Overall it was a mess. He hated making any decisions and deflected to me, then resented me for making decisions.
Sounds like you dated an immature idiot.
Beyond being passive, your previous partner was just immature and not ready for serious relationship.
Im probably younger than you are, but I also have a personality that’s perceived as somewhat dominant, and that means that I’ve almost always attracted either men who were somewhat passive, in a cool way (actually ready to made decisions if necessary, just like to go with the flow and let me lead) or in a doormat way (looking for someone to put on pedestal and submit to sexually), or men on the opposite of the spectrum who saw me as a challenge. I had relationshios with men who were passive in a nice way, but ultimately that never sparkled.
It’s absolutely okay to be attracted to people who are also more dominant. However, I would be careful not to make it your whole identity, or look for that I’m other people. And there is a difference in being perceived as dominant because you’re dynamic, you know what you want, you say it and you go for it, and dominant as in you try to have the upper hand and you want to always be in control. If it’s the former, you can absolutely be in a relationship with a dominant person, that’s what I do, we’re equals. But if it’s about feeling in control, then yeah you’ll have power struggles, and that’s not healthy.
Would you be OK with a bohemian artist type, who would really be into practicing their art freely, and who would probably not be making money close to what you are making? They would be completely free to pursue their art, and would leave a lot of the relationship decisions to you. But you would have to be quite open minded.
Ok I just really hope you all appreciate my point of view. I’m a dominant female in so many aspects of life as I’m a boss and older sister first child in family etc etc. What I found very attractive is to date a man that can overpower me like really someone I could feel obey and respect, passive men are just not for strong woman because they will always feel emasculated.
Assertive, confident, dominant, etc are all different personality traits that manifest in a relationship. From the sounds of things how would you feel trying to work with someone like yourself, only where you clash on something and both feel you are adamant that you are right.
As the the emasculating feeling, it really comes from all the little things, even just reminiscing about the things you would like to do or used to do before. Can hurt.
Guy not wanting to set a budget is a different kettle of fish.
Personally I like it because I don’t want to stress about a lot of that day to day decision making on things. I just don’t care enough to compete about it. However I get balance from that by having control in the bedroom. I could not be with someone who wanted both.
there are definitely men with submissive personalities who would like you. Not the same as passive. My personality is more masculine and I disagree with the people here saying you need to find someone more domineering, in my experience it just leads to arguments.
Very interested to know if you are sexually dominant as well.
> He hated making any decisions and deflected to me, then resented me for making decisions.
lol welcome to ~half my « relationships ».
Okay, so I’ve touched on this topic before but I’ll go through some of it again: I *love* dominant women. I like the attitude, the veracity, and it’s sexy af. That said, I can’t date one [in a relationship sense]: I don’t want to live in a war zone – if that makes me « weak », so be it.
I like submissive women but they bore me to death. I do like a challenge, I just don’t like 24/7 power struggles. I think of conflict as foreplay and a healthy-ish way of communication – kinda like two lions fighting but not trying to kill: there may be a bit of bloodletting, but I’m not trying to snap your neck and you’re not trying to open up mine – we’re just kinda swapping licks and asserting we’re both dominant – it isn’t fun when the threat of « the kill » is there, because I don’t want to ‘protect myself’ from people I love/supposedly love me back. If you aren’t at least 30-40% submissive (and I mean really, not faked), we would not get along in a LTR. I’m around 80% dominant, with 15% submissive up for grabs if you have the chops for it. The other 5% I give freely, because it can’t always be ‘my way or the highway’; I am a man, and own it, but I’m not an asshole/abusive pos with a god-complex – I’m more like a dick that’s a decent person, generally speaking.
I can’t speak for you but I will say you’ll likely have to find a man you *can* submit to. He’ll have to be alpha af, and you’ll have to be okay with the bullcrap that comes with it (otherwise ’round and ’round we go). I’d forget about being equals – someone will always be more dominant, and I don’t think you could respect someone less dominant than you (not even « equal », whatever tf that means). Alternatively, be okay with passive men. You can run all over them and get your kicks on the side (hey, it isn’t pretty but a lion’s gotta eat). Compatibility is hard – you just have to determine what you are and aren’t okay with and take it from there; these are pretty much my views on the subject: be who you are and have other people deal.