Dating : How do I get over this fear and thought?
That I may never get laid. I don’t know if anyone finds me attractive. I try dressing up in the best way possible, get that expensive haircut, spray some Cologne, try to smile at people i know.
I can’t flirt or ask a girl out because I fear rejection and being branded a creep by them. I am desperate nowadays and I know sex won’t change my life but I want feel love and attraction from someone of the opposite sex..
You need to consistently venture into chaotic, unknown territory, you need to cross boundaries that were previously uncrossable to you. If you get rejected that is an advance because it tells you how to correct the direction in which you go. And don’t fool yourself, you’ll have to correct often. But if you never go anywhere it’s absolute surefire that you never get anywhere. The point isn’t to think of anything as easy, the point is to act anyways whether it’s dangerous or not.
How is your normal non-dating life? Do you get challenged often enough or are you usually bored?
You can dress yourself up, get the best haircut you can, get in the best shape of your life, but all of it won’t do much if you don’t have confidence. If you have confidence then all that will work wonders for you!
The only way to get over that fear of rejection is to ironically enough, actually get rejected a few times. Even the most impressive guys have been rejected before and they probably continue to face rejection. Just know that if you get rejected it really is not the end of the world, and over time you need to accept that facing rejection is just part of life.
As for being branded a creep, creepy is a very subjective label that women tend to throw around casually. The general accepted definition of creepy refers to boundary crossing behaviour that would make the average person uncomfortable. However it’s so liberally used that more often than not it’s just a generic insult towards guys they’re not attracted to. Unless you’re doing something that’s actually creepy (I.e. stalking, trying to take pictures up her skirt, harassing her after she says no, etc) then just take a more “sticks and stones” stance towards it.
Hit the gym and pack some muscles… this will build your confidence up. you don`t need expensive haircuts or clothes.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take
« If you can’t, you must ». You get over your fear by confronting it. Take a leap out of your comfort zone. Women aren’t going to do it for you.
Being too desperate for sex will probably make you come of as creepy. We can tell when someone is too thirsty.
I agree with what most of the others wrote here. I’m a 34/M…and I’ve always known that I’m awesome, but since I left my soon to be ex, I’ve thoroughly exuded that to the outside world…and people notice. I’ve met women that I never would have thought would have given me the time of day… And here they are flirting with me… The main thing you need to remember is that confidence attracts women… Don’t get me wrong…there will always be women who have their type that you won’t be, and you won’t get those women… And that’s fine as you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea… But you’ll be surprised at who you’ll attract once you gain that confidence.
Do not do not do not dwell on that thought it is the mind killer. Be a nice chill dude women will absolutely make it clear to you if they want to date or whatever.
I can’t help, but I want to empathize as I’m in the same situation. Not very good looking (an honest assessment- very very average) and broke. I truly can’t see it happening. I wish you the best and hope it happens for you.
Asking a girl out in and of itself should not get you a creep label. As long as you don’t seem preoccupied by sexual stuff/the date isn’t sexually oriented, you should be fine. Obviously, eye contact is important in person (don’t ask her out while staring at her chest/crotch lol) and confidence is important here, but if you act like a reasonably normal person and she calls you a creep… well just move on.
Side note:coming off as desperate can sometimes be translated into creepiness. Just a thought
As a guy here who’s had a lot of serious issues with anxiety over the years – one thing that helped me was therapy, but I know not everyone is up for that… soo just rambling a bit here on some things I tried to internalize over the years:
A big « turning point » for me was accepting that you just need to accept the risk that occasionally when you flirt or ask a girl out it will go badly. Either due to you fucking up from inexperience or the girl being socially inept at handling the situation. If you have good intentions and misread a girl and she rejects you really harshly.. that is a lot more about them and not you. The vast majority of girls are used to getting asked out and rejecting guys nicely. Don’t sweat it and just move on. If you DO upset someone it isn’t the end of the world and you shouldn’t worry so much about it.
Again if some weird socially awkward girl calls you a creep or something for asking her out in a polite fashion, you really shouldn’t care at all since it’s all about her and her inability to cope with a normal aspect of life.. having people talk to you, lol. If you are aggressive or unable to take no that’s a different story obviously but given your anxiety issues I doubt that is something you have to worry about. But even then, we’re all human and make mistakes, if you fucked up and were a dick to a girl that’s kinda shitty but at the end of the day both of you will live and move on from the situation, and hopefully neither of you will even fuckin remember the thing after a while, and most importantly you hopefully learned something from the situation.
Also – it might surprise you but a lot of girls actually enjoy being asked out (again, in a polite way, backing down if they aren’t interested, and hopefully reading signals if they’re disinterested). People generally like positive attention, it’s a confidence boost and sort of a compliment. Like to flip it around – if you’re straight and a gay guy asked you out in a respectful fashion, would you be offended? hopefully not and it might even be flattering
Either way good luck on your dating, I really would encourage you to try and seek therapy if it’s possible. It’s probably one of the better decisions I made for myself and really helped me change my life tbh
Well it’s tough out there if you’re not white and 6 ft.
Learn confidence in your personality. Example: “I’m actually really good at drumming” hell fucking yes, that’s awesome. Little things like these build up over time, and you’ll see that you’re really awesome. If you’re a straight male, females are definitely attracted to confidence. You might not look great, but if you have the confidence (the way you walk, view yourself), then you can get even the best women. DON’T confuse confidence with cockiness though. YUCK to cocky overconfident men
Best of luck!
Welcome to life, but don’t worry – things get better.
Life isn’t about getting laid after all.
I know people that work 23 hours and 57 minutes to get a girl to get laid with, just for those 3 sexonds – don’t be that guy. Enjoy life, the rest will follow.
Go approach 100 women. Take a month to complete this task and don’t put high expectations on yourself. Go where there are lots of people and socializing with strangers is the norm; i.e. the mall or some sort of plaza.
Begin by chatting up clerks, janitors, etc. Then move on to approaching randoms who are shopping. When I say random, I mean ANYONE. Don’t take it personal when people don’t want to engage you but for the most part you will get pleasant responses from the majority. People are typically nice…
If you need help getting into the « zone » then meditate before hand and/or visualize what you imagine a success to be. I also like to just make eye contact with people ans smile with a head node. When you feel confident with that, start making eye contact and then throw a greeting at them like hey hows it going or take it easy… Another good method is to visualize your fears so that you can get a sense of what a scenario of rejection would feel like that could crumble your confidence. Visualizing this will help you see how ridiculous that fear is and that a woman is just another human like you and I…
When you start feeling that buzz, make bolder approaches like approaching a woman you see that is attractive. Now each day you try this out, you will feel as if the momentum has dissipated but channel the past wins and keep trying. If you approach 12 women every weekend or 3 day you will reach this goal and will gain the confidence to chat women up, flirt, and engage the forces of attraction with confidence.
Everything I have written are things I have tried and they work if you’re willing to get outside of your comfort zone. Good luck brother and don’t let the fear paralyze you
There’s no need to be afraid of rejection. It’s a part of life! its ok to step out of your comfort zone, its how you grow. From personal experience, I’m 0/3 in asking guys out but I dont care. I learned from it. Talk to them first before asking them out. People are more likely to say yes when they find they have some connection with you
Go to a bar, with friends preferably if you have them, some of us can’t afford that luxury. Anyway, go to the bar if you see a single woman who you think is attractive, ask if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, then ask her what she’s drinking, and order it. Small talk if you want to about anything. After the drink comes tell her to have a good one, and walk away. She will wonder if you’re interested, just being nice, if she’s interested, she will try to flirt. If not, you got out without making it awkward. Don’t just dive in and ask for her number right away.
well just keep trying.. and it’s inevitable that they’ll label you as a creep. because if you have no confidence that’s kind of what defines a creep. so let them call you a creep until the day they don’t
Stop wasting money on « fancy » haircuts. You can get the same thing at literally any basic barbershop, I guarantee it.
1. approach women
2. talk to women
3. ask women out
4. court women
5.bed women
You gotta save yourself.
STOP THINKING ABOUT SEX
the biggest mistake about dating is when people are looking at getting laid. The minute you look at it as « Oh, you wanna date? Lets see what happens » almost every girl I’ve gone out with like sex so I have no issue. I don’t look for sex, I just see what happens.
Trust me you have a chance to get laid because there are a lot of people out there who are probably not even as good as you are getting dates and getting laid. But the most important thing is going to be so desperate about it that you turn off people
just go on dates like normal and with the current hookup culture, it is very possible that within two to three weeks or two or three dates, you’ll probably be naked with somebody already
But you do need to get more confidence in asking them out
Same boat as you, but I heard some advice recently.
My platoon was chilling out and enjoying some burgers and beer on the 4th. One of my ncos told us a story about when he was in Europe, he got stabbed. Said he almost died. When he recovered he realized that life is too short to worry about little things like that. He could’ve died, but made it through so now he lives like everyday is his last.
I think sometimes it’s easy to tell when someone is going through some desperation.
I think to try and get over this fear you should focus on increasing your social skills and make more friends. Make friends with women as well without the intention of having sex with them.
Learn to love yourself. Girls wont get with you just because you have an expensive haircut, or nifty outfit. Yes, its great that you take care of your appearance, but it’s not the end all be all.
When someone likes you, they’ll like you for your personality not because you’re fronting. Real recognize real. Focus on yourself and girls will come along but if you focus on the notion of sex, sometimes it can show and isnt attractive.
You need to SLAY A GIANT (metaphorically speaking).
If you think dressing up, spending money on an expensive haircut, and spraying on some cologne is how you get « laid », you have a screwed view of reality. Do people like people who are well groomed? Sure. Do people like other people who are all dressed up? Sure. Do people like guys that smell good? Sure.
Did you also understand that some people would answer Nope to all of those? There is no guide or checklist for meeting someone. The best anyone can do is find put who they are and just be that. If you are you, and dont waste a shit ton of time on what others opinions are, you have infinite more chances to be happy. When you are happy and doing what you love you give off a different vibe than when you’re down and lonely.
I would say that I go through spurts of loneliness and not having sex, but I’m currently happy and dating an amazing person, I have never ever ever wanted to spray cologne on myself or spend a shit ton on a haircut. I goto a barber and my girl fern cuts my hair for 25$ and I leave her 10$ and I call it a day. I know my features and how my hair looks good and how it doesnt. Cologne? Lol it’s not the 90s anymore. I use a natural deodorant from Jason and I put lotion on my face and arms that has some eucalyptus in it. You know how many times a girl has picked up on that tiny amount of smell and said damn you smell good! Quite a few.
So there is no strategy beyond being happy, and being you, and knowing what you want. It also helps to be realistic as most guys want a dumb barbie dall to touch their tiny dick and not say anything…
You got this
I felt this way too for a long time, however just recently decided to take a risk and drive two hours away to a person I have only talked to online. I would’ve never done this a year ago. I felt compelled to meet this person because I didn’t want to be left with « what-ifs ». We met and we had a good connection. We talked for a long time and made love before I went home.
Maybe try online dating if you feel more comfortable getting to know people that way?
The modern society chaos that we live in!
Wake up every morning and be intentional to showing yourself a good day. Do something about every aspect of this life of yours.
Ground yourself in intention, be one with it.
Fear, failure, etc are man made words that are associated with negativity. Find the positive ones and think of that one moment in your life when that stood out for you.
Like, can you be curious about how many tickles you would feel when you’d look her in those pretty eyes of hers as you tell her that her face lights up like a million fireflies when she smiles!
If this excites you, go to a bar or coffee shop, find someone whom you could say this too and say it.
Of course do this while doing the good work that you are doing on yourself.
If you intend not to be creepy, this will be well received, anyone here will guarantee.
Be intentional!
It’s having confidence and being to come across as Non-Needy.
First step: Stop investing in what others think of you and invest in what YOU think of YOURSELF.
Get to know a woman. Build trust. Then start complimenting them, and because they know that you’re a nice person and that it’s coming from a genuine place they won’t find it creepy.
You’ll always be a creep if you’re ugly looking, if you have potential to become hot you would know be women would keep you close but not boyfriend close. Just live your life, accept that you’ll die alone and no one will love you. It’s a win win, if you do find a girl you won’t be desperate for anything she would offer because you can just do all of that for yourself so she would feel useless and either leave or use her brain and offer something real for once. Or you don’t and you don’t care because you’ve already accepted the truth.
Starting no fap grows your confidence