Dating : I [18M] provided a shoulder to cry on for one of my friends l16F] and now she wants a relationship and I don’t want to disappoint her.

Dating : I [18M] provided a shoulder to cry on for one of my friends l16F] and now she wants a relationship and I don’t want to disappoint her.

There’s a sixteen-year-old girl I know. We see each other pretty often, and I’ve gotten to know her over the past couple months. I knew she’d had a rough life, but I didn’t know the full story until earlier this week. She was having a hard day, and she started crying. I sat down with her in private and just tried to be there for her. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and she said “What’s there to talk about?” So I said, “You tell me,” and that’s when she opened up about the shit she’s been through. She said that she’s suffered frequent emotional abuse from her parents and other authority figures in her life. She’s been the victim of chronic bullying, enough that she’s had to change schools at least once. She also struggles with mental health, namely depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. She’s attempted suicide in the past and was engaged in some pretty serious self-harm, although she stopped a few months ago.

I, on the other hand, have led a life that is laughably peachy in comparison. I grew up in an overall wholesome evangelical Christian family where both my father and mother have always been present, caring, and loving. I have two brothers, and I’m really close with both of them. As a kid, I was kind of the stereotypical sheltered Christian homeschooler, so there wasn’t really much potential for me to learn about the shitty side of life. Even though I’m eighteen now, no longer a kid or a Christian, I find it hard to relate to this girl. She’s two years younger than me, but she’s experienced a lifetime more of suffering.

And then, the other day, she told me that she has feelings for me. I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I told her my concerns about the asymmetry of our experiences, and that I would have to think about it and get back to her. I wish I knew whether I have feelings for her as well, but I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before, and so I don’t know what feelings feel like: another unfortunate consequence of my Christian upbringing. I really care about this girl, but it doesn’t feel any different than how I’ve cared about anyone else. This also makes me unconfident that I will be able to provide her the emotional support one would expect of a romantic partner, given her background. Dating her with essentially no experience at dating feels like starting on hard mode.

I wanted to honestly communicate my feelings to her exactly, so when I got home that night, after she told me how she felt about me, I wrote her a message explaining my concerns. Then, the next day, we talked about it in person. She acknowledged my concerns, but she was still sure she wanted a relationship. I told her that while I cared about her, I didn’t know if it would be a good idea for either of us, and since I wasn’t sure I had romantic feelings for her, it wouldn’t be fair to her. I thought I had made it clear that we shouldn’t be anything more than friends.

The next day, she bought me flowers. I was taken aback, and when she asked me to reconsider, I told her I would. And I’ve since kept my word, spending at least two hours over the last couple days trying to reach a decision. Part of me wants to say yes, because I don’t want her to have to suffer a rejection on top of everything else, and I might develop feelings later on. Or is that usually how it works? I don’t even know. Another part of me wants to say no, because if I don’t end up developing feelings for her, a breakup is going to hurt a lot worse than rejection. Plus, the fact that my biggest reason for saying yes is to avoid saying no seems like a red flag.

Every time I think I know what I should do, my mood shifts or I think about it from a slightly different angle and I fall back into indecision.

Please help.