Dating : I (27F) am in a weird situation with a guy (26M) who is in an open relationship
I don’t really know what I want to ask here, but I got myself in a weird situation and I guess I need some outside perspective and advice.
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I need to start with saying this first : I’m talking about an ex-coworker here. We do not work together anymore.
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I (27f) am working at a restaurant for 3 months now. And after work, we sometimes go out for a drink or hang out etc. There is one of the coworkers (26m) I never was interested in him or even thought about him that way, and all I knew about him was that he has a girlfriend. We’ll call him F.
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One night, we all went out for drinks and stayed out pretty late. And since we got a little tipsy and I live far, he offered I spend the night at his place, on the couch, instead of walking 1 hour home by myself.
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So we went to his place, along with another co-worker, we stayed up together, just listening to some music, talking, and playing some quiz games. Then at one point, the 3rd guy went to the bathroom to take a piss, and I was talking to F, when he slowly started getting closer and then kissed me, I didn’t reject him, and kissed him back. Then we stopped when our friend came back and we pretended like nothing happened.
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Once the friend left the house. We were left alone and we started making out. Then I stopped him telling him that I didn’t think it was a good idea to go any further that night. he stopped, we talked, a lot, we kept talking till morning, we got to know more about each other. He then explained that he’s been with his girlfriend for 8 years, that 1 year ago she wanted to open the relationship so she can explore more, he agreed even though he doesn’t like the idea, but wanted her to be happy. He said that she was the only one benefiting from the situation, and that things has been bad between them lately. He told me that he pretty much based all his decisions on her, he followed her to this city for her studies, but then 2 months ago she went back home for an internship leaving him alone, and that too hurt him. I didn’t want to say anything about the matter…
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An 8 years relationship is a huge deal. I personally have never been in a long term relationship, but I can’t see myself be in an open relationship with someone.
Anyways, I ended up sleeping on the same bed as him, we just cuddled, kissed and talked till morning. The next days, we spent them sneaking around, stealing kisses and hugs when nobody was around at work. He couldn’t stop himself from coming to see me whenever he got the chance, and he started helping me a lot which I found pretty cute. We used any little time we had to hang out, spend some alone time together and get to know each others.
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One week later, he changed the job, so we’re no longer co-workers. But we still kept seeing each others. I started going more and more to his place, watching stuff together etc. we ended up sleeping together a week later, and we just couldn’t stop anymore. We spend almost all our free time together, and we have a lot of sex. He’s always asking me to come over, to spend the night at his place, we went to the movies together, we go out for a walk etc, and up to this point, I was thinking that I’m just a hookup, that he has a girlfriend, that he’s feeling lonely and he’s using me to get the company he needs.
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The more I started thinking about it the more it started hurting me.
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Yesterday, after work, some co-workers decided to go out for a drink, so we went to a bar, and since F is still good friend with everyone, he joined us too. So we were there pretending we didn’t see each other since he left the restaurant two weeks ago, while the truth is I just spent the previous night in his bed. After that, he invited me over. And since his place is closer, my co-workers didn’t find it suspicious at all.
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Once in his place, we started talking, and one thing led to another, and he ended up telling me that he thinks he’s in love with me. I didn’t know how to react, and told him that he can’t be, that he’s in a long term relationship, he has a girlfriend, and 8 years is not negligible. Sure they’re going through some rough patches right now, but she’s still his girlfriend, they’re still together, and it’s not going to end, and those feeling are maybe just him being lonely and needing some company.
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He told me that we’re sending all of our times together, and that if he didn’t have a girlfriend things would be easier, but he’s feeling great with me, he loves spending time with me and he’s been questioning his feelings for the few last days before coming to this conclusion. He told me that he never planned on this to happen, but he doesn’t consider me as just a hookup but way more than that and he’s having feelings for me. And everytime he called my name during sex, he actually wanted to tell me he loves me so badly.
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I’m lost and so confused and can’t get myself to trust or believe him, and at the same time I don’t know what I want out of this relationship. All I know is that I got attached to him, and that although I can’t call that love, but I have some sort of feelings for him… I can’t even think about making him choose between me and his current girlfriend, since I myself is not sure about what I want and I don’t want to ruin their relationship
Don’t let the length of their relationship stop you. From what it sounds like it should’ve been over well before you. Be honest with him about your own feelings and then let him make his own choice. But don’t feel bad. You never forced anything on him and it sounds like you had no expectations. So just let it all happen.
Wow that is such a predicament. I feel for you.
I think you first need to figure out what you want out of the relationship with him and go from there. If you want to be exclusive, then think about how you would ask him if he would break up with his girlfriend. If you don’t see much coming out of it or don’t want a relationship, it may be best to walk away from this one because it sounds very complicated.
Good luck!
The simple solution, if you want exclusivity, is to stop fucking him till he’s able to be exclusive. Otherwise it’s just FWB.
Although my experience is limited, I was in a similar situation. I was the guy and she wanted an OR, I wanted her to be happy. She went out more, and had her fun. It was too much for me, destroyed me and made me feel terrible. I wish I had someone like you I could connect with. I didn’t – and this whole thing is still haunting me. I wish I ended it sooner, bc in the end it did and it was not me who did it.
As for you I say, that he should talk to his gf and tell ask her what her plan is. Staying together just because they are already for so long is a very bad reason. You don’t have to feel bad at all, when he says he wants this and you want it too, go for it. (I say this because he said, that she is benefiting more than he is. Meaning she is doing stuff while he didn’t – and I am sure it hurts him as well. That girl of his could be too sure of him and might not appreciate him)
Just my thoughts, hope that helped. I had a lot of time to ponder on stuff like that, and that was just a quick adoption to your situation)
I’ll be honest here and as harsh as it sounds you don’t owe him anything, he doesn’t owe you anything and his gf/him don’t owe each other anything.
With that said, it does sound like their thing isn’t working very well and it may end. But that shouldn’t mean you have to be there to replace her role in his life unless that’s what you want.
If it is, great. Problem solved. If it isn’t or you’re not sure, you need to relay that message to him. Be very clear. If he’s ok with that and keeps that boundary, again great. If not, and keeps pressing, you need to move on.
Nobody can tell you how you feel about him or what you really want from this except you. Wish we could but we cannot.
Hope that helps.
Seems like they ruined their relationship on their own. You just happened to be the one who arrived at the time, the fact that he based his life around his GF is a little alarming in the first place. But he has expressed his unhappiness in the relationship and the response is “But it’s been 8 years in the relationship.” No one says this about alcohol or drugs. If he’s unhappy and things he’ll be happy with you why encourage him to stay unhappy (I would definitely fact check him. Make sure he breaks up with his current GF properly if he wants to pursue you and stuff like that.) but I’m firmly in his corner having wasted years of my life on women who didn’t give an actual shit about me. If you like him and he likes you no reason to not give it a real shot
i don’t know if what he says is true, but i guess i have some concern that you fell for the line of his gf wanting an open relationship. have you verified that this is true? if not, then you have just become complicit in cheating with him. not your fault technically, since he’s lying about it, but it really depends on how much you care about thinking of yourself as being with a cheater or not.
but you do have your head on when you say, you’re not the one who wants an open relationship, so if he thinks he wants to be with you, he should end things with his gf before continuing on further with you.
on the other hand, if a little voice inside you keeps saying, they have been together so long and they should stay together longer, then it means you know you don’t have a place in this relationship, and you should stop it before you get more into it and more hurt later on.