Dating : I finally met someone special for the first time in 8 years and he broke it off in a month.
I (25f) had one bf in high school and then remained single for the past 8 years. I just focused on college and my career. About a year and half ago I started online dating. Most of them never seem to get past 2 dates. There wasn’t a spark. This summer I became super casual about dating and had no interest in a relationship.
One month ago, I went on a bumble date and absolutely fell for the guy.(24m) He felt an old friend catching up. We seemed to have a lot in common. The sexual chemistry was insane. He checked the boxes and I could totally see a future with him. I saw him a total of 9 times with 2nd week he was gone on vacation a whole week. He said we had a good connection. By our 4th date he said he didn’t want to rush anything but asked about being exclusively seeing each other. He hasn’t been on the apps and I told him I deleted it that day. I was 100% my weird self with him and felt so comfortable with him.
I stayed over his place Friday. Everything seemed swell as always. Lots of cuddling and the like. I was super happy with him. I went home late Saturday morning to shower and change to go to this summer fair for wine tasting. He picks me up. Everything seemed normal until we came back to my place. He wanted to sleep I figure he was exhausted. Then when he woke up and I was asking him if he wanted to do round 2 of drinks. He’s like I’m done drinking today. I’m just gotta go. I tried asking what was wrong? But he was extremely cold. No emotions. I felt it. I knew something was off.. We kiss goodbye.
I was unsure if I was too much so I didn’t text him at all Sunday. Monday morning I asked him if he wanted to come over since my roommate was gone. He didn’t reply all day which I knew was weird. I had a feeling I knew it while everyone else said he’s probably busy. He replied at the end of the work day that he couldn’t tonight then said “ Also there’s something I’ve been wanting to bring up. I’ve had a lot of fun hanging out with you and I think you’re really cool, but I just don’t feel like the feelings are there for me. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I also don’t want to drag something out that’s not there”
I just bawled and probably will for a while. I feel stupid. I thought I played everything cool and didn’t pressure him. I was enjoying my time with him. I know the feelings were mutual at one point. I replied “Oh okay I understand. I thought there was mutual feelings like when you asked about exclusivity… Well you’re a good guy. I really did enjoy my time with you. I appreciate everything. Thank you for being honest and saying something now.” I’m just confused on what happened. We got called a couple at one of our dates and he talked about that a lot. It just all switched so fast. Dating sucks.
TLDR; Fell for a guy for first time in 8 years. Really thought he was the one then he broke it off. Just sad venting
Edit: I just want to thank you all for your responses. I am overwhelmed by the love and support! I didn’t expect this. You all are amazing. 💕
Damn, I totally feel you. Something similar happened to me as well. At least he was honest about his feelings so that’s good for you. I’ve been on many dates for the past couple months and things are getting harder, and it’s such a disappointment when things suddenly break off like this when you feel that it’s going okay. Well, shit happens and we can’t completely understand what’s on their mind… so please do not try to find a reason from you. Just let it go. I sincerely hope better one comes along to you. X
I’m a guy and went through something similar except the switch happened mid date, she literally got up and out of my arms, break up text came the next day. It’s weird and confusing when they escalate things and your trying helplessly to play it cool. It’s hard to believe but it isn’t anything about us they have their reasons. I like to think we didnt get « played » or « used » we had something fun and special for a little bit and that was it
Hi There,
I feel you. I was single for 8 years to, met this wonderfull girl, dated for 8 months and things ended yesterday.
The feeling sucks but time will heal.
Stay Strong.
Here is the one thing that I had to realize the hard way. NEVER EVER go into a relationship with high expectations of making this person out to be “the one”. Accept them for who they are and if things fall into place then good, if not, then you won’t be let down. I’ve been through too many heartbreaks putting so much into one person to make them out to be the perfect person and finally be “the one”.
Don’t sweat it. I haven’t been in a relationship in the last 5 years. Been casually dating and online dating like you and had the same experience. I met several women but no spark. I came across this girl who showed a lot of interest in me so I gave her a shot. God, we went on several dates. I went to her house, played with her dog, do this and that. Seemed great and a potential relationship, and BOOM! She shot me down because she wasn’t feeling it. Man, I sacrifice so much of my time for her. I stop video gaming, doing food reviews just to see her. Kinda regret it but it was fun. Apparently she was hooking up with another guy -_-. Oh well. I deleted tinder and bumble. Online dating isn’t my thing anymore. I rather meet someone out of the blue in public because it would seem to be more genuine. With online dating, ANYONE can be a different person than themselves. Don’t worry about it op. It hurts but you’ll get over it 😀 It’s life. Shit happens.
He might have just freaked out at the intensity. That many dates so soon is a bit crazy.
I ditched a guy when he started asking to see me like everyother day. It was smothering and too full on. Too easy to get swept up in that kind of thing and lose yourself.
Clearly… He’s a mer-man and had to return to the sea.
But really, I don’t think you did anything. Sounds like he might have had his own personal emotional psychodrama going on. You’ll just drive yourself up a wall trying to figure out what you did, when it was probably nothing that you did.
Could’ve been anything. Point is it’s him not you. Good he was honest, but probably acted a certain way to sleep with you. It’s important to set boundaries for yourself. He gave you some signals but ultimately it seemed like you imagined a lot of it. What was his investment like? Did he make the effort to take you out? Pick u up? Do things for you? That’s generally the best measure of if a guys into you. Sounds like you did all the investing and your value dropped in his eyes. Sometimes you need to play the game in the beginning, don’t overly reach etc.
Feels like this is the female version of my story. I’m sorry this happened, it sucks and it does feels like you’ve been gut punched.
But I also have to say that I am sort of comforted that it can happen on the reverse too.
I guess one has to play the game early on with someone who clearly has checked all our boxes, and not come on too intense. Showing all of your cards early on does indeed reduce the value in the eyes of the people who we think are our special someone.
It’s probably nothing you did, but the problem with new relationships is, they may still be seeing or meeting other people.
One day, they just decide they like someone else better, or want to try a relationship with that person. So they have to end it with you.
That’s one possibility.
There are many more, and unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get to know the reason.
Although I would say that most of the time, people write about « yea he came over and of course we had sex ». Since you didn’t mention that part, I’ll assume you didn’t have sex, so it’s very possible he felt like he thought you’re ready for it, and when you weren’t, he made the decision to move on. So at least he didn’t push you for it, but inside he was probably not happy that he came over expecting some action and didn’t get any.
Again, that’s just conjecture, but that is why we won’t ever know his real reason.
sounds eerily similar to my situation. dated a girl for 3 months. was ecstatic that I spent so much time searching, finally found someone who hit all the marks….just had turned 33 without a family and was literally about it give up.
I thought « ok, its finally my turn, I knew it was going to happen! »
at the 3 month mark, 1 month after she told me she was in love with, after I had met her family twice, after I went on a 5 day trip with her. all things SHE initiated. she ended things. I havn’t heard from her since.
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now I’m approaching 34 and I’m pretty sure my life is just going to now be working+enjoying hedonistic persuits. there is little higher purpose now and I’m done looking. I’ve always wanted to support/build family with a partner, be part of the school community/etc. now I’m just going to take my 130K a year salary and eat food, travel, and have casual sex on the side.
it doesn’t sound so bad
Literally went through this a few months ago. First girl I had dated in like 10 years (27) and she wanted to be exclusive after a few months of hooking up. Then I spent the weekend at her place and the first night was great and we ended the night hooking up. Next day I ask if she doesn’t mind that I stay another night since I had the day off work anyway. She had work, but wanted me to stay so I thought we were fine. I walk around her city while she is at work and buy her a present, a poster of her favorite movie. She is very happy about it and wanted to frame it right away and we kiss. Then we decide to watch horror movies since she loves them and I am not familiar with the genre but as long as I’m with her I couldn’t care less. The rest of the night she seems cold and distant to me. We go to bed and don’t even cuddle or sleep next together. She wakes up early, suggests I leave while she gets ready for work and leans in and kisses me. Driving home, I got the sense that it was our least time seeing each other and sure enough I get the « I don’t want a relationship » text a few days later. I honestly don’t know what I did wrong and she stopped contacting me two weeks later saying she needed space if we were to remain friends. Honestly I still feel pretty used by the whole thing.
I at least can relate to what you’re going through and I’m definitely in a better place now than I was before. It took a few solid months of focusing on my life and as a result I have improved in most areas since we broke up. Now I’m getting quite a few compliments amongst friends and co-workers and have changed my outlook on life while using her rejection as motivation to be a better person. I dunno when I’ll be ready to date again as I do get some butterflies around girls I’m interested in but the fear of going through that again is holding me back.
Advice from someone who’s been there multiple times – do *not* take this as evidence of you weirding them out. When someone you’re talking to pulls away like this, it only means they’re not ready for any level of commitment. That’s it, the end, bottom line.
Dating is about finding people at the same level as you, and he’s not there. You’ll find someone who is.
Ive been in the guy’s place and I know how it is. I can tell you most likely its not you its him. You see, some guys, or should I say some guys sometimes invest time and interest into something and they expect reciprocity. Now I dont know how you answered to his actions, but I can certainly affirm that sometimes when you have intense feelings to someone and that someone is hesitant or does not manifest the feelings to a certain point, you just lose interest. No reasons, not logical. You just lose interest. That is probably what happened.
Sorry to hear that, I’m sure that’s frustrating especially since HE asked about being exclusive. You never know what’s going on with them. I know I’ve had a similar experience with dating where I haven’t had a real relationship in years and the first time you really feel like you’re clicking with someone, it then goes south. I had been friends with someone for 6 months last semester and out of no where he started talking to me a lot more and asking me to hang out. He then was dropping hints about breaking up with his long term gf. I ignored ALL the red flags because I was so excited to finally have someone with mutual interest in me. It came to a bitter end a month a half later when I found out he was wanting to see other people (on tinder) and lied about not just “looking for a rebound”. It’s really hurtful. But don’t feel bad about it, because 90% of the time it is their own issues, not you.
That was a nice followup message you replied. My advice from here on out would be not to message him, delete his number and move on. I know you didn’t really get closure on why his feeling changed but keep it a clean break. It’ll make it easier for you in the long run.
My best guess is that he has something going on his mind that concerns the way of him leading his life in a manner not suitable to your well-being in some form. Probably, that’s why he’s totally off the radar all of a sudden. Maybe he feels this way he’d rather hurt himself than project those feelings on you.
I can relate to this. Within 5 1/2 months there was instant chemistry and a connection. I was just dating casually and with him it just felt so right. We became exclusive within a month and a half (I take things pretty slow) and then we were inseparable. Talking all the time, constantly seeing each other, helping each other; it was great! It was my first serious relationship after my first love throughout high school and early adulthood, I’m 25 now.
Within a couple of days it literally fell apart. It was horrible. He said he didn’t see a future with me. Said he just couldn’t move forward. I was totally taken aback with how sudden it was. Essentially, because I got him to admit it, he wasn’t over his ex. It was a lot to go through. This all happened a month ago.
I honestly get it. Vent away because dating sucks. Being vulnerable sucks. Having to go through and sift through these emotions sucks. I’m sorry you feel this way.
> »I’m just confused on what happened. »
Just a piece of advice, I think you should believe what he said about why you guys didnt work out. Sometimes speculating and overthinking will kill your spirit. You didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. It’s possible that it just took him longer than you to decide how he felt. That’s fine! That doesn’t mean there was anything you could have done to magically make him like you more. You guys seemed to spend a lot of time together and you might think that he just got overwhelmed. But the fact of the matter is that you guys just managed to squeeze a lot of dating into a short amount of time, so you got to find out that it wouldn’t work out in two weeks rather than in 4 months. You saved time! *optimism voice*
I’m sorry this didn’t work out. Best of luck with future dates!
It seems like you guys moved way too fast. Exclusivity after two weeks? Nine dates in a month? He may have gotten himself into more than he could handle, realized it too late, and unfortunately you were the casualty in all this. I personally think more than one date a week when you’re starting out is super overkill. I also think that « not labeling » it, while at the same time asking for exclusivity, is for kids frankly. If you’re not in a verbally agreed upon monogamous relationship with someone, whoever you see is none of their business. If he really liked you, he wouldn’t’ve given you that « ultimatum ». You’re a grown woman, he’s a grown man, leave the games for teenagers.
Aww, I know how you feel 🙁 But I bet you hsd some nice moments together. I’ve also been through short but sweet times with people. And i’ve mostly been glad I even got to experience them, even if it didn’t work out. Especially after a rough and or long time of loneliness.
The same thing happen to me. Been single for 10 years, met a girl on tinder and we really hit it off. Same weird interest and taste in music. Same humor. We ended up dating for a few months when randomly I get a break up text. She said she didn’t feel a spark like her other past bfs. We tried being friends and ended up dating again but the same thing happened. Sometimes people don’t feel it with you and you can’t help it. I’m still struggling to get over it but time heals all. Good luck.
Ive done this to people QUITE often and it’s really just because I never develop feelings right away so instead I wait to see if my feelings develop or if I otherwise feel compatible with that person and often I just see a lot of incompatibilities so I break up with them and i never tell them why because it’s a lot of little things plus an overall lack of feelings and I don’t want them to feel like they could have done something differently because they could not have altered the outcome
You did nothing wrong. None of this is about behaviour, really. So don’t worry about having to put on an act for the next guy to keep him interested, stick with being yourself even if it didn’t work out this time.
An awful lot of people have bought into this ‘fake it til you make it’ mindset, and will behave a certain way because they think it’s how they should, or that they enjoy the behaviour itself. It’s incredibly hard to know when someone is being affectionate because they enjoy the idea of showing affection right now, or if they’re feeling affectionate towards you in particular.
Take some time to be nice to yourself and reset, and develop a post-break up ritual for yourself to lessen the impact – you’re going to need it out here in Dating Land. You’ll be ok, and you will find someone. Just keep your chin up, let yourself feel as miserable as you need to in order to get it out of your system and then get back out there and try again.
Sounds like he found someone else that caught his attention. The fact that this was all mutual and reciprocal up until this point is what steers me this direction.
He gave you a courtesy most people in dating never get, an answer, something. You weren’t ghosted, so I don’t think you may have done anything wrong. He just wasn’t feeling it. Granted it was over text, but hey better than nothing. He even felt you were cool enough to bring it up. Yeah it’s tough losing someone special, but trust me, take some time to yourself and get back out there. It really could have been a « him » issue.
If you get past three months then it’s time time think it’s going somewhere that’s how I work my dating. Before then I just enjoy myself no matter how amazing the person is or how good the sex or chemistry is.
I totally understand what you are going through. In a way I am glad he was upfront with you early on. Of course this is not going to make it hurt any less. I went through the same. This was my first boyfriend, know that I was 30 when we started dating. It took him a year to realize he didn’t feel it. That was after we had made it exclusive and we had met each others families. I am sure that you will find someone (I keep on telling that to myself). What I will say is to cherish the good moments and keep on going. I am here if you need to talk.
Then how is he special?
If it isn’t there then it isn’t there. I wouldnt go to fast before you get some actual commitment to avoid the pain in the future.
Similar thing happened to me.
No-contact with him for a bit, then we became friends. Eventually he confided to me that he was hung up on the last girl, and while he was trying to leave her behind and didn’t hold intentions to date her while he was seeing me, he was still emotionally unavailable.
When this girl started dating someone else was when he told me. Finding out hurt him and was what made him realize he still loved her.
It happens. Sometimes their heart still belongs to someone else, sometimes you’re an intentional rebound, etc… when someone shifts feelings so quickly early on, I think it’s often related to their ex messing with them, honestly.
I want to emphasize that you did nothing wrong. You cannot evaluate the situation and see where it disconnected. Sure, this will take time to be able to believe BUT you said something so important – you were yourself around him!!! Cherish that and continue to do it! It IS a crying shame that he just switched off, but at least it is now rather than later. Take the time you need to feel better it could be months and if is persistent consider speaking with a therapist!
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See mental illness. I’m sorry but the way people date and disappear ghost or even switch up their own feelings is MADNESSSSSSSS
I’m 25, been single for about a year, and dating nowadays is tough. Caring is never the wrong thing to do. What’s the point of doing anything of you don’t care about it? He led you on, you did nothing wrong.
People seem to just want to have fun like doing things on dates because it’s about going out. But when a dating relationship becomes more domestic, to most some people it becomes too restrictive. It seems like a lot of people are just into dating today to have fun and lead people on while they weigh their options.
I am so sorry baby. This is why I don’t want to have sex for at least three months. I am way older than you, but I just don’t t want to give myself sexually because I know that’s often all men want. I’m just not gonna do that anymore. Hugs.
you moved way, way too fast. you’re allowed to feel sad, of course, but please don’t get wrapped up in it because the fact of the matter is, you didn’t truly know him. you only knew this man a month, and that doesn’t tell you much about a person at all.
First of all, this broke my heart a bit. It definitely seemed like he was into you and I can’t imagine the storm of emotions running through you when this all crashed. I’m so sorry. Hang in there.
Honestly, I see so many conflicting actions from him in your post. I wouldn’t take it personal AT ALL. He said and did a lot of things that made you feel hopeful but then turned off the switch in a second. From my experience, people who behave in polarizing ways are probably deeply confused, perhaps a little troubled and conflicted themselves. He needs to work through his own stuff and figure himself out. You shouldn’t take it too personal because it reflects his own inner turmoil and confusion. Remember, this has all to do with him. You were open and embracing and optimistic. You also were so dignified in your response. You also respected his boundaries and gave him his space. You are one mature, emotionally responsible gem!
You have every right to be sad and disappointed. But I hope you can celebrate how you dealt with everything and empower yourself a little more. You deserve someone like you!
Also, I wish this guy nothing but the best. I hope he works through whatever it is he needs to work through. Seriously, it’s so horrible being confused or acting in ways that conflict with how you feel. I hope things become clearer for him!
Dating does suck now, you probably didn’t do anything. He was seeing some else at the same time and maybe wanted what was best for him? Idk online dating is toxic! Stay away! Meet people through mutual friends… better that way
Hang in there. Stay strong. Don’t let it get to you.
Mourn. Wipe your tears. Get up. Keep going forward. In that order.
And if you need to talk, send me a DM. Worry not, for I shan’t hit on you or anything. I’m too ugly for that lol
I’m sorry things didn’t work out 🙁
It’s too bad this happened when you were this invested in the relationship; but at least it happened early. If he didn’t feel the need to communicate any issues he had with how you were treating him, then that’s a big problem. I know it seems out of the blue, but he may have found an issue with you were with him at the summer fair. i.e. how you were acting OR how you were not acting that he felt was a deal breaker. It sounds like no amount of self-reflection is going to help you in this instance; it’s great to hear that you felt safe/secure enough to be « you » unfiltered this early in the ex-relationship.
I do feel bad for you though; as a guy, I wouldn’t go that far in the relationship process that quickly if I felt that something minor could be an terminator. It would be something obvious and major (money, family, etc) for me to turn like that.
I feel you. I am 26, have been single my entire life. Fell for someone I can’t date.
🙁 I am sorry.