Dating : Is it possible to fully honor connection without expectation?

This morning, a dear friend and I had one of our enlightening chats about polyamory, and it ignited a host of questions within me on the human experience of connection and intimacy. As we each shared our current challenges, I wondered; is it possible for us to fully honor the connection we share with others, showing up on a soul-level, without the expectation for needs to be fulfilled and traditional relationship roles to be taken on?

I’m a person that tends to thrive on deep, intimate connections — platonic and romantic alike. There is nothing that makes me feel closer to someone than sharing thoughts, ideas, heartfelt truths and raw passion, and I often find myself falling in love with the soul of a person, no matter what the relationship consists of in human manifestation. I also tend to like the affirmation of physical touch as an expression of emotion, and am often that touchy-feely friend that gives you those long, full-hearted hugs.

Because of this, I’ve often found myself unconsciously dancing along the lines of the unspoken, relishing in the moments of freedom and mystery within a new connection, delaying the inevitable moment when expectations don’t align, and someone’s needs can no longer be fulfilled within the offering I have to give. Sometimes, this means the loss of a friendship or relationship, when a point is reached where it becomes clear that I cannot fulfill the desires of another, or the emotion is not mutually reciprocated. If I’m being honest, the fear of losing a connection can sometimes delay the acknowledgement of the underlying energy. But of course, energy never lies.

Many times, the assumed remedy to this problem is to limit the depth of a connection, withholding some of ourselves from the other in order to manage either their expectations or our own. Is it the fear of vulnerability that keeps us in our comfort zone, or could it be something deeper? Are we hard-wired to want more when we feel attraction, or is it the traditional relationship model that tells us how to measure the success or failure of a connection?

I have found that when we find a deep connection in another, it touches our soul, and can make us feel like we are coming home. We are shown a bit of ourselves through relationship to others, and have an opportunity to learn that we are lovable, despite all our perceived weaknesses, when our light is honored by someone else. Perhaps, instead of limiting the depth of connection because of what we have to offer one another, the lesson is to love ourselves wholly. Could it be that seeing the light in others reminds us of our own divinity, and that we cling onto the traditional idea of love in relationships in an effort to grasp what we already have access to within ourselves? What if, instead, we honored the collective oneness that we are part of, and relished in the connection without the need for validation?

What if it didn’t feel like loss when someone doesn’t reciprocate our romantic feelings, but instead could be a celebration of our heart’s song; the vulnerability praised and the emotion shared honored. Could we consciously practice letting go, and instead granting ourselves the freedom to truly feel, without judgement or fear?

How can we show up, honestly and whole-heartedly, but still hold the boundaries that we need, that are unique to each one of us. Does the answer rest in a need for greater communication? Do we resist talking openly about the energy we feel out of fear? Fear of not abiding to social norms, of loving without attachment? Does the fear of our greatest perceived vulnerability, make it feel too real and too complicated to address head on?

We fear the ability to love another, and to love ourselves, and often function from the perception that our love is a weakness that must be hidden until we are very certain it will be returned to us, often in the confines of societies definition of a relationship, marriage, family, etc. What we are actually running form is not a weakness, but the fear connecting into the divine realms through our heart, the sacred place where our true power lies.

What if we instead are able to freely express our hearts, and the energy we feel, while remaining honest about our boundaries, commitments or desires, leaving our partners to determine where their own boundaries lie. Can we learn to enjoy the moments we share, communicating honestly from our hearts, without fear? How would this transform the space we share with those we relate with?