Dating : Late night thinking about my date?
So, I’ve been seeing this guy the last couple weeks. We spend pretty much all day together on the weekends. We connect with each other on a level I’ve never connected with someone and even he’s said that it’s crazy how in tuned we are with each other.
We’ve talked about our families and what they’re like the little things that they do and just how crazy they can kinda be. When we got into the subject of growth we’ve made after our previous relationships, he mentioned that it’s hard for him to sometimes to get with someone because he loves deep and with everything kind of mentioning that he puts in the 100 percent and when it doesn’t go as planned it takes a long time to get over it.
He tells me about the amazing dates he’s got planned for us and talks in the present tense about us like, “ I really think my mom is going to like you and she’ll be happy for us”
I’ve asked him where he wanted this to go and if he wanted it to go anywhere at all as I don’t want to be hurt and expect something that might not be there. He says he doesn’t really know what he wants and where he wants to take it. I know it is also a little early as it’s been a couple weeks, but even after this conversation he’ll go out of his way to text me. Ask me if I got home safe after work, what my plans are after I get off work. So nothing has changed since I’ve asked him what he wanted.
Personally, if he’s including me when he talks about his family and is opening up to me the way he has, I feel like it’s the fear within himself about being in another relationship but is that wishful thinking or is it the truth?
There is this thing I call “spilling”. It’s when you’ve had bad relationships, and kind of…spill, or vomit out all the good things a person wants to hear, and even things you personally want in your life. But it doesn’t mean you’re emotionally there yet.
What I hear from him, is that he gets in heavy too soon. And if he’s had a lot of crashes and burns, it’s because he’s made the wrong choices again and again, to get attached before he can even tell if someone’s right for him. You can love someone who isn’t right for you, and try to change yourself to keep a relationship going. Ask anybody. It’s a cross we all have to carry at some point in our dating life.
So he’s got a little baggage. Who doesn’t? What matters is being aware he’s lacking in some healthy boundaries (bringing up the mother being happy for “us”, or doing anything any healthy person would say is “quick” or “premature”). Healthy boundaries are there so we get to know and build solid trust and connection with someone gradually and authentically. I’d suggest you don’t take him at his word, his “spills”, but watch the action. Don’t believe him because he hasn’t earned your trust yet. He’s currently earning. Just enjoy the relationship. Enjoy it, and wait and see what happens. Let things happen as they will, without trying to micromanage it (on either ends). You’ll have more chance of building something awesome and solid around that connection you feel.
Edit: re-reading, and I notice he goes back and forth with being wary and spilling, which shows me he hasn’t fully recovered from being burned and might still follow the same patterns. That’s where you insecurity and pondering is rising from. You’re feeling the “push me pull you”. “I don’t know where this is going, BUT my mother will love you.” One says I can’t commit I’m scared, the other days we’re totally going to get married and have kiddos (lol). Watch out for whiplash and him trying to protect himself by pushing you away at times. If you see this behaviour and you still value him and want something with him, call him out on it and see if he acknowledges it and responds differently.