Dating : Love Is A Verb

A truth I have come to understand about love over the last month.

Too often our cultural expectations of love lead us to believe that love is automatic. That it’s something we “fall” in. So we spin ourselves in circles around people until we’re woozy. And then when we stop viewing them through the rose-tinted glasses of Hallmark cards — we draw back. We lose that starry-eyed intensity. We point fingers. We say he or she wasn’t “the one”, that it just wasn’t “the right time”, or my personal favourite — that we have to “find ourselves” before being with someone.

My previous experiences of love were sub-optimal and often self-destructive. We didn’t choose to be together because we wanted to. We were bored or just killing time. And we walked away when things no longer worked.

The last one month, however, has taught me that intention is key. Love is an action word. It is a continual choice, action and promise that we make. To love someone. To be there for someone. To accept them (flaws and all). And to give them a chance to change us. Love can be transformative, but only when we consciously realize what it is and what it isn’t.

“Love, to me, is a verb. Love kicks in for real when things get hard… Love, for me, is when I don’t feel very loving. It’s an action.” — Alanis Morissette

I have to constantly remind myself that being a good partner is a choice I make daily. And everyone should be doing that. I never have before, and most people don’t, hence so very many relationship issues. It’s because I finally feel more intentional that I was able to experience real love. Nobody is inherently good and loving; they are only people who have made the choice to be so.

I also realized that love isn’t patient or kind. It’s nitty and gritty and raw. It’s confusing and often times, short. It isn’t about shaping someone or getting validation. It’s not about doing the whole flowers-and-chocolates thing. Instead, it’s being told “I love you” a thousand times a day in the smallest of ways. It’s an action. It’s searching for ways to be closer, to communicate, to meet each other halfway.

Love that feels effortless is something we should all aspire to, but we should remember that nothing happens on its own. If left on its own, love, like most other things — often falls apart and disintegrates. Without awareness and conscious effort, a great relationship may just become an okay one.

“If love is a verb, there’s no ‘too late.’ It’s a constant choice. If you don’t feel the love anymore, that is exactly the indication that we need to choose to act the love and see what happens.” — Stephen Covey

To love is to do. To choose one another, and never stop