Dating : My parents corrupted the idea of love

Dating : My parents corrupted the idea of love

Urging to write this down and rant. But most of all I need help to get past this. The lack of love between my parents and lack of positivity around love has gotten me to this point of absolute desperation and at the same time lost all belief in love. I’m sorry for long rant but I need to explain.

My parents got divorced when I was kindergarten young. It wasn’t really an issue for me at the time, being too young to understand. Later it developed to having both parent talk shit about the other behind their back. And me being the middle person in every communication between them. My dad financially fucked over mom. Throughout the years after he got involved with other women, moved in with them, cheated, lied and financially ruined them too. Mom never really dated properly after dad. Now when I’m a young adult I still notice a very negative vibe whenever relationships are mentioned. When I was 13 I got a bf who lived 20 min away. I would never hear the end of why would I someone that lived so far away. Cause that was her reason our relationship was stupid. Throughout the years whenever I mentioned my wish of finding a guy I would be met with a negative comment from her. Like when she found out that I was on Tinder. Eventually I learned that I couldn’t talk about that stuff to her. 

So this is relevant because I can’t imagine having parents who love other people in that way. Just 4 months ago my dad told me not to tell small things to his then gf because he didn’t want any drama. And I’m kind of left with the feeling of.. idk, love being a fucking scam. And because of my mom love is something negative. And I shouldn’t look for love or ever think of it. Even if I find someone they’ll be a piece of shit like my dad.

I’ve never had a proper relationship (the one when 13 lasted 1.5 months so I don’t count it) and grew desperate. I hung around a lot of older people and ended up loosing my virginity at a young age. I grew more desperate and the only affection I got was related to sex, which was better than nothing. And years later as an adult I’m still in the same headspace. I’m kinda attractive I think, social, but kinda big as in chubby. No-one has told me they liked me or asked me out. I just get the desperate people who doesn’t like me but wants to chag. And no matter how much I wish this wasn’t true I get so desperate that I go with it. 

I’ve always wanted love, the kind I see between my friends parents, like the love I hear from other people. But how do I end this despair? How do I find someone who enjoys the same stuff as me, but isn’t out to use me for sex. Someone who actually likes me and prove my parents wrong. 

This post is a huge mess. I’m sorry. I find it really difficult to put into words.