Dating : Overthinking and self sabotage
I (20M) have never been in a relationship. Never kissed a girl let alone had sex. And there is nothing more surprising to my friends than when they learn this about me.
I’m friendly, funny, quick witted and mature. As far as attractiveness, I am an athletic guy, who pole vaults amongs other sports, and whilst I wouldn’t describe myself as handsome, I have some strong facial features.
Basically I’m not repugnant or self loathing by any means, hence my friends near horror at hearing I still haven’t been in a relationship.
As I’m sure many here can sympathise with, I am fully aware that myself is my worst enemy when it comes to seeking romantic companionship. I over think everything and almost never do anything considered impulsive unless I’m alone. To be specific to dating, I am keenly aware that I lack the knowledge and basic skills of a relationship, and so I justify not asking anyone out on the premise that “they don’t deserve to have to put up with me” believing I would be either obsessively needy and clingy, or more likely too distant and unwilling to make myself emotionally exposed.
I feel I am emotionally unavailable and have a resolute desire to avoid making myself vulnerable (this is my wordy way of saying “fear rejection”).
It’s a self perpetuating problem and as you could probably guess, I believe I have overthought this as well.
I just need some perspectives that aren’t my own on ways to break the cycle and become comfortable with being uncomfortable I guess.
I’m in the same situation but things I’ve learnt so far as I change this.
1. You need to forget about rejection. Don’t even let that word into your vocabulary. This will 10 fold improve confidence.
2. You mention your great qualities (funny, quick witted, mature for your age, friendly) this is awesome ! You just need to show these off to women who you’re into !
3. You overthink everything – You need to realise over thinking is clouding your mind which probably doesn’t help your interactions. If you just treat it like chatting with good mates where you wouldn’t over think everything, you’ll be naturally confident. Over thinking is partly due to trying to impress. You don’t need to impress, you’re impressive as you are.
4. Mention lacking basic skills for relationship – Dont worry about that. You’ll know what to do when your relaxed 🙂
Some things I’m looking into to help me champ which might also help
1. YouTube the legends academy (free videos on dating & relationships) where they teach you EMBRACE your natural self and get what you want through
2. Get following books to help:
Assertiveness workbook
Self esteem and Self esteem handbook to help break the mindframe of I’m not worth someone’s time.
NLP basics
You can do this!. It’s uncomfortable to make changes but you’re going to look back on the improvement and be so proud of yourself.
All the best
Don’t beat yourself up too much. Dating is HEAVILY skewed in women’s favor. They’re generally a lot more selective than men so they get to play on easy mode.
Exhibit A: https://www.yourtango.com/2016285828/women-find-80-percent-men-unattractive-says-crazy-study
Exhibit B: https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a
Exhibit C: https://medium.com/@pmigdal/tinder-anecdata-and-sankey-diagrams-c1c0e5dfff18
Exhibit D: https://theblog.okcupid.com/a-womans-advantage-82d5074dde2d
Exhibit E: https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/f98ed501-d075-4b3a-abca-7e46bd8904cf