Dating : Please stop dating people if you’re still in love with someone else.
Idk who needs to hear this but please don’t do this.
I went through an extremely crushing heartbreak recently because my “girlfriend” was still holding a torch for a guy she had dated at a little before we met.
We had a great relationship for 4 months. I was the happiest I’ve been in a while. This last year has been difficult in my life and when I started seeing her it was a break from the rest of the life. From the global pandemic, from a soul sucking college semester, from family issues. She was my reprieve and it made me forget the bad when I was with her.
Then, a week after my 21st birthday she dumped me out of nowhere. She told me that she wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was hurt but I was okay with it. Our time together was genuine. Then 2 weeks later I saw her posting about her first month with her boyfriend.
I called her out on it and she said that she was sorry but she was still in love with him and just didn’t want to hurt me. And that’s when it crushed me. Our relationship was fake, I was a distraction for her and when the guy she actually wanted came around I was worthless.
Just please, sort out your feelings before you try to date other people.
I was a placeholder for an ex. We dated for 2 years. Suddenly I get dumped, come to find out the girl he really wanted to date (and ended up marrying) had been in a relationship and he didn’t want to look lonely or desperate by waiting on her but a week after he found out she was single, I got dumped. Then less than a month later, they’re dating. Shit happens and shit stinks feeling like it was all faked and you were giving real feelings.
ETA- this was YEARS ago and I couldn’t be more thankful that it ended.
Advice for anyone who will stumble upon this:
Don’t use people.
There are people in the dating pool who are just really distracting themselves, using people in the process. Please don’t.
Some healing needs to happen internally with yourself. Even if someone volunteers to heal you or save you, that’s still a lot of internal and personal work in the process.
Taking time and staying single for a bit won’t kill you. Plus, it helps you learn things about yourself too.
Forgetting is hard. But the burden of knowing you inflicted pain to someone who genuinely feels for you is harder.
Good luck to everyone here who are active in the dating field.
This also applies to people who date when they still hate an ex.
You know you are ready for a relationship when you feel indifferent towards them, or maybe even just a little bit pleased they have moved on and are doing well.
Hate or constantly bashing them is a red flag in the same way… they are taking up a chunk emotional bandwidth and it means that any new partner doesn’t stand a chance. They won’t get a fair shot in their pursuit of a successful relationship. One guy I dated told me he wouldn’t care if his ex got hit by a bus, and that he hated her enough that he’d poison her if he could. Its an extreme example, but even someone who just constantly brings up their ex as a bad person, or their failings or just compares everything from the past to the present is someone who you should think twice about placing your heart with. They’ll never really see you if their view is clouded by the past.
I feel for you as I’m in a similar situation. Feel heartbroken and he probably doesn’t even care.
So here’s my story. I (40 M) started dating a single mom (30 F) in February of 2020. VERY CASUAL. She was never married, and left her VERY ABUSIVE baby daddy a few months before. But they lived close to each other, she remained close with his family, as he lived with his Mom and they had to co-parent. In the back of my head I knew this was odd, but like an idiot I looked the other way.
We had instant chemistry, which I still feel was genuine. She told me she loved me before I said it, in fact. I got to know her kids, and we all really seemed to get along nicely. And to this day I love her, and them. They came on vacation with me last July to a place near and dear to my heart (she lives about 100 miles from me and the resort area that « services » her city is different from where people from my city go), and we had a wonderful time. She started talking immediately when she got home that she wanted to do it again this year.
When she got home, baby daddy was waiting. He found out through the grapevine that she went on vacation with a man, and wasn’t thrilled about it. He never accepted that their relationship ended, and in short he slapped her around for « cheating » on him. She called the police and had him arrested. He served time until just before last Thanksgiving.
In that time period we actually got closer. We did a lot of stuff together, both kids stuff (like the pumpkin patch), and adult stuff (such as going out to dinner). She still had a restraining order against him when he got out of jail. But slowly, I noticed her letting him violate the restraining order. Again, I looked the other way and chalked it up to having to co-parent.
When she moved away from him, he did something that ruined her credit. So when she applied to renew her lease she was denied. She applied at another development, and was similarly denied. Mind you, I was stupid – this is the action of an utter fool. I didn’t want her to be homeless with three kids. So I co-signed on her lease. To be fair, she’s always been appreciative for that. She also always pays her bills, so I had no concerns there. And to this point she’s paid the rent on time.
About five weeks later she told me that the baby daddy had gotten suicidal because he thought she was going to marry me and he’d lost her forever. He was trying to do suicide by OD. So she « felt the need to be there for him, » and was basically taking him back. She still wanted to « see me » as well, and said that he understood I was still going to be in hers and their kids’ lives. I knew that wasn’t sustainable. The guy’s a total con artist; he’d find ways to throw wrenches into things when I was going to be with her. But I agreed to go along with it because I had to protect my « investment. » If I said « no way, screw you I’m outta here, » she could just go live with him and leave me with the rent. And my understanding is he pushed for that, telling her that it was my fault for trying to help her, so let me handle the fallout. (Luckily she said she wouldn’t do that to me.)
So far I’ve been right. She’s seen me twice since that day (which was in March), and only because she needed something from me. She’s thrown other « outings » out there for us to do (with or without kids), only to never get back to me. But instead of saying « oops, I just forgot, » I’d see on her snap that she had ended up doing that very activity with him.
When we’d be together I’d handle EVERYTHING for this woman. She’s literally never spent a dime in my presence on herself. That’s how I fly. Her dynamic with him is the exact opposite; he sits back and lets her handle EVERYTHING. All he has to do is show up. I realized too late that she likes bad boys. So even though he went to jail for hitting her, she was turned on by that. But she’s literally foresaking someone who would give her the world, in favor of someone who’s expecting the world from her. And who’ll hit her if he doesn’t get it. I get that they have kids together and all, but it’s been a pretty bitter pill to swallow. All I can do is wish her the best and hope she doesn’t get injured in his wrath.
This is why I’m taking time between a recent breakup to reflect and heal before giving dating a try again. Not only do I want to work on myself, but I want to be considerate of anybody I date in the future.
>Our relationship was fake
It wasn’t fake for you. All the effort you put in and emotional investment was real. Don’t discount what you brought to the relationship.
>I was worthless.
She doesn’t get to decide your worth. Only you do.
>I called her out on it and she said that she was sorry but she was still in love with him and just didn’t want to hurt me
She’s a liar and someone you need to completely cut out and move on from. It has nothing to do with « hurting you ». Obviously she wasn’t so concerned with that when she dumped you. She didn’t tell you because she was trying not to feel guilty.
Lying to avoid responsibility = shitty coward.
Especially at your age dating can get really messy. A lot of people haven’t developed much emotional maturity or social responsibility, this case being an obvious example.
Take what you’ve learned and apply it to your future endeavors. Now you’ve learned to keep an eye out for women who have recent exes. This kind of wisdom often comes at a cost. For me it was a divorce when I was only 26.
>This last year has been difficult in my life and when I started seeing her it was a break from the rest of the life. From the global pandemic, from a soul sucking college semester, from family issues. She was my reprieve and it made me forget the bad when I was with her.
I know this sounds corny but one of those painful wise lessons I had to learn was that friends can fill this role really well. Making a new friend can have a lot of the same excitement and fulfillment that a new romantic relationship can bring. Obviously there are certain things that a friend can’t provide (unless they’re a FWB which I don’t really recommend). But if you’re looking for a distraction taking a weekend with a group of friends to go camping/fishing/brewery tour etc. really helps me get out of the crushing reality.
It’s summer and you’re now 21. It sounds to me like you need a holiday. Start making some plans with your friends! Good luck, dude.
This has been a pattern in my life. I don’t know why I constantly become available to people who just pretend to be emotionally available when I’m only just a distraction from their last. I’m tired of opening up. I’m tired of being lied to. I’m just fucking tired
I empathise bro. I’ve been in a very similar situation.
It does suck. She was practically using you for emotional coping or whatever. I’m sure at times the relationship may have been genuine between both parties, but if the premise of one person’s involvement in a romantic relationship is being overshadowed by their romantic interest in another person.. Then yeah, I don’t think they’re being genuine, sorry bro.
Oh yeah and the whole « I’m not ready for a relationship » statement is complete bullshit. I’ve seen this one used so many times from girls, who are very much so ready for a relationship. It’s just that you aren’t the right one/wasn’t what she was looking for specifically.
Not your fault at all, as from your post you mentioned that the break-up happened spontaneously. Sometimes people are just jerks man, nothing you can do except be thankful the whole ordeal wasn’t dragged out any longer.
You’ll get through this bro, good luck.
I started dating someone in March and when I asked, she told me she’d broken up with her ex in October. But some of her IG posts suggest she was either still talking to him at least in February or dating someone else. I was told she hadn’t been with anyone else since October. Anyway, a month into our relationship, the ex boyfriend starts popping up again. I don’t believe there was anything between them but he still shouldn’t have been around, friend or not. We broke up in early June because she was not in a healthy place for a relationship and needed to work on some things in her life. I have only talked to her and seen her once since. And while I want to believe her and be friends with her, something tells me either the ex or someone else is going to replace me soon enough. What’s worse is, I work in the same building as the ex bf so I occasionally see him outside or around the building. 🙁 Anyway, I believe the feelings she said she had were genuine, and I think she really did like me and was excited about us, but I think the damage and feelings from previous relationships was still there.
You have to have closure before you can begin a new relationship.
Exactly. I know people advocate, « you need to get under someone to get over someone else. » But, no. You’ll never truly process your emotions or heal. I’ve turned down every guy that’s tried to date me within a year and a half. I’m just not ready.
My god…are you the male me??!?
I was madly head over heels for this guy. His kids loved me, he claimed he loved me, we had made future plans, the whole 9 yards.
Up out of nowhere, he claims a joke « hurt his feelings » and he was « questioning our relationship ».
Then he just dumped me, over text and wouldn’t take my calls.
Come to find out, his ex fiance had come back into his life and less than a year later, they were married.
It broke me so bad, I became a danger to myself and had to be committed to an inpatient facility
People need to stop using others to forget someone. That is not how it works. Learn to heal on your own.
Couldn’t agree more. I was absolutely ruined for the sake of him temporarily using me to soothe his ego and emotions. I’m still recovering now… doing much better but it got dark. It’s horribly selfish!
I went through this with the last girl I was with. It last about 4 months because I had to nip it in the bud because I was totally a rebound. And she had no problem telling me that she still loved her ex gf and had a special place in her heart for him. And would listen to songs that reminded her of him and would still text him. I even asked her if he were to ask her to take him back what would she say and she would always say ‘idk’which was not reassuring for me at all. And the final straw was when I went to her place to hang out and watch a movie and while we were talking she just through in that her ex came over lastnight and was at her apartment for like 5 hours. I didnt ask what they did or what they talked about talked about I just ended the relationship it was to stressful for me and I dont even know why I let it go for 4 months to be honest.
I get it man. You are hurt. That is a common reaction. A lot of women that do this don’t care. You aren’t going to change that behavior. They are in it for themselves. You experienced monkey branching. She isn’t going to let go until she knows the next guy is a sure thing. You both got into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. It was situational based. Chances are you may have been a rebound from another relationship too. You filled a void and she made you feel good. Live and learn. It’s all part of life. Could have been far worse. Use that knowledge moving forward.
There is going to be a lot of damaged people coming out of the pandemic and into the dating market. As things get back to « normal » those people will have zero introspection and personal growth. They will sweep things back under the rug. The same shit will resurface over and over. No personal responsibility or accountability. A lot of people need therapy to fix and work on their shit. Nobody owes them understanding. It is their job as an adult to overcome those issues and work on being a better person. Everyone attracts what they are. A person attracts what they put out there. It’s reflective. We also teach people how to treat us too.
It felt like it came out of nowhere, but it really didn’t. Everything was fine for you. You had rose tinted glasses on and thus, didn’t see the warning signs leading up to the breakup. There were likely a lot of red flags in the beginning you didn’t notice. You were entranced and intoxicated by all the good feelings, you were blindsided by them. You were essentially a placeholder guy. She wanted a relationship, or at least the perks of one with no intentions of staying. You were a means to an end until someone came a long she really wanted to be with.
Take your time and heal. Start working on yourself, until you are ready to get back out there. I recommend exercise. It is a great way to start feeling better. Weights and cardio. You feel better from more stamina, blood flowing and endorphins. Your testosterone will rise and you will notice small gains and weight loss. Other women will notice it too. It is good because you are getting into a routine. It gives you structure and keeps you a bit organized. You work in a schedule to fill your time and it can be something to look forward to. Personal you time to blow off some steam. You want to be keeping busy period.
I am 42 and i have been with a lot of girls in my life.
Last 10 years i am in relationship and we have kid, seven years old.
I can tell you one ugly truth, mostly one person in relationship have power and that is always person who care less.
You are young, you are 21 you should not care about relationship.
There are so many more girls around, just enjoy and have nice time.
You need to live, to get life experiences, go out with friends and have fun, travel a summer trough Europe etc.
In next 10-12 years things will settle and fall on its own place and you will for sure find a keeper.
More experience you gain in your life more you will appreciate keeper when she shows up.
I’m currently in a relationship, but it was a long dry spell for me before him. The only guy before then in three years that I was interested in anything with was still clearly in love with his ex-wife, and it just was so painfully obvious. I honestly mostly just felt bad for him. He was sweet, and kind, and smart and interesting, and I would never be anything else but a pale reflection of his life before.
When people say « I’m not ready for a relationship » what they really mean is « I’m not ready for a relationship with YOU ».
Feelings aren’t mathematical proofs. It’s possible to feel different about someone from one day to the next while dating. I think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt and be glad she’s not stringing you along. I’ve been in your shoes and it sucked hard, but you recover and learn from it.
Had this happen as well dude, absolutely heartbreaking fucked me up for a good 6 months. Had a great relationship for 3 months and she dropped me like a brick to get back with her ex. Its gonna hurt for awhile, i never thought i was gonna get over her but it will happen at some point. There is no right time limit to get over someone, take it in strides, the hurt will subside one day bro. Use it as fuel to push forward and achieve goals in life. My advice is to remove her from all socials and delete her number. I found myself just posting insta stories just to get a dopamine dump of her viewing it. That messed up my healing process and was super toxic
You never felt real love if you need to date someone else
Guess that’s something important you learned my man. People use each other. We live in a era where everyone is looking for a perfect match, where they wanna showcase that they are having the best life possible. It sucks that you got caught in someone’s lies. But there is nothing much we can do, don’t hate the game. I would say prepare yourself so that when someone leaves you, you don’t shatter. Only person you can depend on is YOURSELF. In shit times and in best of times. Know that everyone will leave you someday for any reason and there is nothing we can do about it but be ok with it.
No <3
Dating another person will not solve the problem. Better to heal first and then give it another chance
So I still have pretty strong feelings for an ex I haven’t seen or spoken to in years and will probaly never see again. Maybe it’s love, maybe it’s ruminant limeration, but that’s kind of just semantics here.
Am I supposed to just go all Ryan Gosling from the notebook? Build a house for myself, become a hermit and come to terms with being alone?
I date with the intention of falling for someone new, but haven’t really made it past the 2-4 month point with anyone in the past few years. I do know if that old person came into my life again, I would’ve dropped everything for them. And that’s going to be the case until I’m able to develop a really strong emotional connection with someone else, but that’s gonna take alot of dating.
I do agree that you shouldn’t be dating for any other reason then meeting/spending time with the person you’re with. The only way you should try to make someone else jealous is by living your best life, or getting a revenge bod. Dating someone shouldn’t be a means to an end to dating someone else.
TLDR: The only way to not hold a candle is to date. OP ex is a dick though.
I appreciate this concept of not dating until completely over an ex that you still love, but I dont agree with it 100%. People you love will always have a place in your heart but the amazing thing about our hearts is how much room for love there is. You may well never « get over » them completely
Be honest with any new person you get involved with. Approach a new relationship with an open heart. Time is a miracle. Give it time. Maybe you will fall in love with this new person, maybe you won’t, but Im not sure sitting life out is going to help. If you simply can not get past a failed relationship and obsess about your ex then you might need some help like counselling, but I think just still having strong feelings for an ex shouldn’t stop you from dating. There is some truth to the old adage the best way to get over someone is to get over top/underneath someone new.
Part of the modern problem is that so many people are too scared to be by themselves. They don’t like who they are alone, so this creates an issue where they always have to be in a relationship. Then they jump from one to the next so quickly and wondering why things keep failing, and never taking any time between to work on themselves and be comfortable alone.
Honestly this crushed me reading this. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and truly wish you the best. Just know even though it’s hard now, she’s made space for someone who is meant to be on your life ❤️
May you find another love in the near future that makes you forget any love before ❤️
Sorry to hear it mate, just wait until it happens in your thirties.. then it’s really fun.
I was a placeholder for my ex. We dated for 2.5 years. The first few months were amazing, then he very slowly withdrew. He didn’t have very many friends so when he started hanging out a few people I was happy for him. Come to find out he had a crush on his new best friend since before we even started dating. She dumped her BF of 10 years to be with him. He moved in with her 3 days after blindsiding me.
This happened 2 years ago and I’m finally starting to feel okay about dating again. I’ve never been so broken after a breakup before. Looking back, we weren’t going to last, but damn if that shit doesn’t hurt.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Relationships are fucked up man…
Well after 3 years I still can’t forget my ex so I guess I’m fucked
I would say most of the time people aren’t purposely trying to mislead. I think they are going in with the right reasons but over time things start to settle out and maybe the realized what they really want. I don’t think there’s anyone to blame and really if you really love that girl you should want the best for her even if it’s not with you
Part of getting over someone that you were in love with is putting yourself out there and finding someone new to fall in love with.
I get your point, but I was single for 5 years and still had feelings for my ex but never acted on them.
I started dating this girl and it started to fade away pretty quickly.
Every time I start a new relationship I still have feeling for the previous ex. It happened 4 times by now. I can’t deal with it being single.
People really need to stay single for a long time. Like really single as in not talk to anyone before jumping into something new. The problem nowadays is no one knows how to be alone and if they don’t spend time alone, they don’t know what they want and will hurt anyone after
I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving them, but okay. I’m legit alright being single anyway
I’ve had female exes (plural) send me random messages on Whatsapp months or years after breaking up.
Just a product of a liberal dating culture I guess. Women have trouble bonding the more sexual partners they’ve had.
[deleted]
i had a boyfriend who cheated on me with his last ex before me. it was crushing. makes you question what, if anything, in the relationship was even real. it’s horrible.