Dating : Probably the number one situation that people ask me about (as a dating coach).
This has come up so often, and I see it come up here so often, that I felt it would be prudent to discuss it quick.
The number one thing people seem to ask about is what it means when someone doesn’t reach out often, only replies when replied to, makes excuses such as being busy, or if they should reach out if the person isn’t being very attentive, or has ghosted in some way (or all the way).
Let me make this very clear to all of you: This means they’re not interested.
This is literally rule number one in dating: If a person is into you, they will reach out. No matter how busy they are, they will find the time. They will wake up saying good morning to you, and they will go to sleep saying goodnight. The more into you they are, the more they will shower you in attention. Even people who don’t normally do that still will for the right person. It’s undeniable, and anyone who claims they have never done that to anyone before–well, you’ve never met someone you’ve been super into then.
I’ve seen the same people have huge interest who reach out a ton, who suddenly lose interest and hardly reach out at all. The correlation is almost perfect, and it’s basically a 100% thing. I’ve yet to meet an outlier on this one. I’ve HEARD people claim to be, then noted them acting this out to the letter. I’ve concluded this is just human nature, straight up simple end of story.
Everyone does this. I have seen people who never do this suddenly do this, exclaiming that they had never felt that way about someone before. When someone blows you away, you will behave like this. I don’t care if you’re 16 or 46–you’ll do it.
When someone begins to fade, the easiest experiment you can do to find out if they’re still interested in stop reaching out. If you feel like you’re doing all of the initiating of contact/dates, then stop reaching out entirely. If by 2-3 days you haven’t heard from them at all, remove them from the dating app you’re likely on, and remove their number from your phone, because they’re slow fading and you’re about to have your time wasted.
Move on. Talk to 5 people at the same time–or 10 if you have to. Set up a date with someone different every day of the week if you can get away with it. This stuff is almost completely a numbers game. Eventually you just meet people who are more into you.
Can confirm. I’ve never really been much of a texter, but with my current bf I need to text him morning and night lol.
Thanks for sharing this—how does this apply after you’ve become exclusive with someone? And also, when you’re officially boyfriend/girlfriend?
I’m in the situation where my boyfriend doesn’t text me as often as I’d like him to, despite my clear and multiple asks for more attention, and I’m not sure if that’s an indicator that he might not be as committed to our relationship as I’d like for him to be. I don’t know if it’s something that I just have to deal with, or if it should be a contributor toward “you should move into someone else.”
I’m (25M) in this situation, we’re dating for about 3 months now and I brought it up a couple of times about the texting thing. And I am slowly adjusting to it, I mean I do not text her now as often as before and we always wait who texts first and to be honest I really don’t like it.
Sadly, I decided to break it up with her this coming weekend because weekends are the only time we got to see eachother. It sucks but you shouldn’t settle or just be contented with what’s given to you if it doesn’t make you happy.
Learn to walk away and live life.
I mean this makes sense, but I’m really shy and I hate texting. So I might be imterested but I struggle showing it through texts
Yuppppp. As sad and hard cold truth as it is, just keep moving along.
Not sure if it is but there’s a girl i have a crush on in college, she doesn’t text that much, like you said, only texts when i initiate, but every time i ask her out, if she is busy she will tell me then set for another date, or will go out with me if she can. When i have conversation with her, she seems very engaged with it. I guess some are not into texting at all or maybe i don’t know
So true
As someone who’s been in this situation with multiple people (ex. Saying goodnight and good morning all the time), it kinda hurts to know that I’ve never had anyone in that reaching out craze for myself, as selfish as it sounds.
I just made a post asking about this situation in a differet thread.
Kinda hurts to hear, but it’s what I expected. I don’t know about messaging other people though.
This woman I’d been talking to? She’s the only person that seemed interested in me in the last few years. Other people I’ve seen on dating apps just don’t interest me in the way this woman does, but I still tried. She just happens to be the only one whos wanted to have a conversation.
I feel a little sad, but sometimes you have to cry one time; Pull the band aid off and get it over with so you can move onto acceptance, ya know?
Man I wish I heard this a couple months ago, but still solid advice to remember moving forward. Thanks.
This is true with one notable exception that I can think of…. ::anxiety enters the chat::
As a woman I see it more on my end than on guys but I know it exists there too. I used to and still sometimes struggle with reaching out first for fear of me bothering someone. I recognize this is MY issue and it’s made people I liked think I didn’t like them because everything was remotely one sided. Once I realized how my anxiety was showing up to the other person, I tried to correct it moving forward or at least acknowledge it.
What about someone who is inconsistent with texting but when we are together, his non-verbal actions say different?
This gives me a lot of hope right now because I went on a date and we’ve been texting each other non-stop since then. I’ve never been into someone like this. She gives me the dumb.
This is something I have already known, and it still hurts knowing that. Haha. But thank you for the reminder, OP!
Totally agree. This guy I was talking a few months ago was a phone person but I wasnt and have never been. I am in my late twenties I have always been a texter and everyone I knew and my ex was a texter too so I found it hard to adjust in the beginning. But since I was interested in him we started doing calling and I became more comfortable with it. I learned to appreciate the advantages of it, I wouldn’t mind using phone call as the main medium, despite the fact that I still enjoyed texting more.
Great explanation, I totally agree!
Who has time to text everyday or go on dates everyday??
Well said and couldn’t agree more. Your bit about someone fading is spot on as well as starts making excuses about why they can’t meet you or they need to « reschedule ». Those are huge red flags.
​
And I agree it’s a numbers game. I guess we sometimes don’t understand that because the product is ourselves and it’s hard to come to grips that we are being rejected.
If I can tell a man is dating multiple people after date 3 I will lose interest. I actively seek relationships and don’t see how you can focus on getting to know multiple people at once.
Needed this today thanks OP! Situation mirrors that. Tried one last time and didn’t work so going to just take the L and move on
Life rule. This goes for dating, friendships, and professional relationships.
Even if it is a girl? Cause she seemed interested and very flirty, I just got tired to text first all the time.
So I decided to wait and see if she texts me, and bam, we haven’t talked for a week now.
Girls literally never text first, ever.
I sometimes go through something like this with my crush (if I could say so). But I realized that everything is not as it seems.
Although I agree with most points, I don’t 100% because there are A LOT of factors that come into play. For example, shy people, intimidated by the person they like, not knowing how to start or keep conversation. Language barriers. Even that they are actually busy. Or that some people prefer face to face conversations over texting. But in the end, it’s the effort that matters.
We give too much emphasis on texting but not everything can be received across a communication medium like that. Tones, emotions, everything that makes a real conversation REAL is minimized or limited during texting. This can also bring in misunderstandings and wrong assumptions.
Solely texting doesn’t and shouldn’t make you comprehend where the relationship is heading. Pay attention to the others cues and hints, both in real-life and on text. If the person genuinely likes spending time with you and makes plans, then they do.
If they can’t keep the conversation going, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either. In the end, conversations are two-way. One shouldn’t try hard and expect the other to do the same or more to « prove » something. But at the same time, don’t throw yourself at someone and do all the work. Dating (especially achieving a relationship I the pre-dating phase) is difficult and complicated but worth it most of the time. Good luck you guys!
I have to disagree about the wait « 2-3 days » rule.
This rule didn’t work so well when I was dating a lady about a year ago. My first date with her went well and she seemed interested in a second date but I was getting ready to take a few weeks off work to see my parents in another city. Things slowed down with this woman for a while and then she cut off all communication. There were a few days with no messages between us but even so I was still interested and wanted to see her again.
Less texting and more time spent together.
Way too much emphasis placed on texting. My phone is a tool to get sh*t done, not a buffer between myself and the women I’m seeing.
already knew that but thanks coach, how about you give people advice on how to get over ghosting because there is a lot of whining about that on this sub
I think a lot of the reason why it’s hard for particularly guys to accept that someone is.m no longer interested is that the number of people who they meet who might be interested is low. I’m 27, single and interested in meeting new people to spend my time with, particularly someone I’m attracted to who wants to be in a relationship, and I have no idea where to go and meet these kinds of people. I just go to work everyday and sit on the computer and then come home and sit on the computer again. I try to stay active by going to the gym as well but that doesn’t seem like the best place to meet someone as most people are there to focus and work out not have a social chat.
Or, they’re fading because they’re doing an experiment to find out if you’re still into them. Haaa
This is the truest thing I’ve read in a long time.
I think every adult already knows this deep down. They just want to find some sort of excuse to keep it going or try to win them over.
I do want to say that just because she may not initiate conversation in the beginning that doesn’t necessarily mean you should give up. My sister told me when her husband first messaged her on on Myspace (remember that?) she didn’t take him seriously but once she saw that he was persistent she decided to give him a chance. The rest is history. Women are more likely to be attracted to a man that will fight for her a little bit.
Talk to 5 people, that’s the main question how? For me it’s more like 1 person in 5 weeks.
Can’t even get one date..
» *If a person is into you, they will reach out. No matter how busy they are, they will find the time. They will wake up saying good morning to you, and they will go to sleep saying goodnight. The more into you they are, the more they will shower you in attention. Even people who don’t normally do that still will for the right person. It’s undeniable, and anyone who claims they have never done that to anyone before–well, you’ve never met someone you’ve been super into then.* »
​
First of all. I’m an INTP-T. I’ve taken all kinds of personality tests which place me in the 90% percentile for introversion. This is ABYSMALLY BAD advice for dating INTROVERTS, SPECIFICALLY.
​
When I’m (29F) messaging a guy, an important thing for me, is their ability to BE COOL, when I don’t feel like talking or responding. If I don’t see that. If I see incessant texting. I’m out.
​
This is WONDERFUL ADVICE, for dating EXTROVERTS. You will scare away EVERY. SINGLE. INTROVERT. YOU. MEET. If you expect daily contact in the « getting to know you » phase.