Dating : The « No Spark/Not Feeling Strongly Enough/Not Feeling It » Explanation
…is the most vague and infuriating thing you can hear in dating.
Let’s assume for argument’s sake that I’m an average-looking man with an average personality. I don’t struggle to get dates; I pay for Bumble Boost and I currently have something like 25 « likes » in my queue of women who have already swiped right on me, most of whom are attractive, successful, and who I’d generally be excited to go out with. But then after a few dates it usually ends with a text saying « you’re a really great guy, but… » and it just fucking sucks.
Recently I went out on five dates with someone I was really smitten with and who really seemed to be enjoying herself, but then she told me that she didn’t feel as strongly enough about to me to want to keep going out. I have heard this excuse so many goddamned times, and when I (politely) ask for feedback, or if I did anything wrong, they say that it’s nothing specific, just that I wasn’t what they were looking for, or that they didn’t feel a « spark » with me.
The law of averages say most dates that most of us go on are going to be duds for one reason or another, but what frustrates me is that the more these women see of me the less interested they seem to become. When I meet someone I really like I get excited about her and all of her great traits, but after all these experiences I’m really starting to think there’s something just inherently wrong with me that keeps me from being something capable of being valued or cared about.
I mean it’s not an excuse. You can’t force a spark. It’s why I dont really actively date. It takes quite a bit for me to feel a « spark » with someone and it doesn’t happen for me often. I understand that its frustrating, but I think you should just try to relax and have fun and let a connection happen if it’s going to happen and stop having high expectations
For me, the « spark » comes down to if you are excited to spend time with the person. Instead of saying to a man that that I didn’t feel a spark, I now say « I have been giving it some serious thought, and I am not as excited about « us » as I should be ». <Insert thanks for the times spent together, good luck etc.)
And yes, it’s a numbers game. I was very fortunate, I liked dating and was willing to keep putting myself out there until I found what I was looking for. And I did! More than once…
It sounds like you might be boring. I’ve been there myself because I’m boring as fuck so I don’t get upset about it.
I’m also a decent looking guy with a decent personality and I’m exceptionally optimistic. I recently went on several dates with a girl I really liked and she said she didn’t feel the same, no chemistry. It was a bummer but now a few weeks later we’re still hanging out as friends and she is certainly a badass friend!
I always try and be positive and make the best of it. I’ve had delicious meals with great company. What’s to really be mad abour?
First off congrats on having 25 in queue haha! But I can relate bro, I’ve went out with 19 women since the beginning of the year. Every single one was 2-4 dates, I get the talk you get, it ends. Find another women and it’s the same story. It’s basically different story, same result. And out of the 19 Women I got to make out with 15 of them and had sex with 4. So they were obviously attracted at some point, idk, I don’t get it either. Even my friends call me “short term relationship Rich” hahaha, at this point. It comes down to that women have a lot more options than we do. It’s seem like the only way a girl will be super excited about you is if you decide to date down but that’s not fair to the other party. Hang in there bro!!
Give it another 1-2 months and people will start cuffing. Don’t put any effort in during the Spring/Summer.
Do you think maybe you’re going after the same type of woman? What if you tried to connect with women who had the same interests as you. I am not saying that these women didn’t but maybe you need a little more things in common.
There’s nothing wrong with you so let’s start there. Don’t get yourself down.
I don’t know, I get that it sucks. But I find it it to be a pretty valid reason to not want to continue seeing someone.
You can find someone interesting and sweet and still not be intrigued/find something there compelling enough to continue seeing them.
Sometimes it’s not a specific trait about them that’s a turn off. Just comprehensively as a person, they don’t really do it for you.
I’m personally the kind of person who very, very rarely feels enough of a spark with a person that I feel compelled to go out of my way to spend time with him.
That said, maybe you’re not escalating things at the rate that some of these women would prefer, or maybe you’re going after the same type of women?
I don’t know, man.
Don’t change anything about yourself. Well I mean if it’s something like chewing with your mouth open, then ok. But be you. That way when someone does feel that “spark” it’s for who you truly are and that relationship will be 1000 times better than one where you try to be something you’re not because you’re worried they won’t like you.
Just checking are you having sex with 5 date girl?
It could be lack of sexual tension….
It just means they’re not stimulated by you sexually/romantically. It’s simple. Nothing you can do so no point getting upset.
75% of the time someone says that it’s because they can’t see themselves having sex with you, or in other words they just don’t see you as physically attractive. The other 25% is because you had some personality or lifestyle deal breaker.
I dont know what the hell a spark even is to be honest. What does that mean? I’ve never felt that when I date someone. I either like them because we get along and have similar interests, am also sexually attracted to them, and am excited or enthused to see them… or not. Having a more romantic type of feeling only builds with time for me, as trust is built – it’s not immediate. I’ve had men who I went on several dates with and slept with multiple times later tell me they aren’t « feeling it. » I don’t know how it differs for men, but few people must be attracted to me because I get ghosted almost all the time after meeting someone. Very few men stick, and those that do don’t work out for me in the end, so I’m right there with you except I almost never get any explanation from men – I just get straight up ignored.
It sucks being on the other end of this too. I’ve gone out on so many first/second/third dates with women. Women who are attractive, common interests, and « check all the boxes ». Yet, I rarely feel the spark. I don’t know if there is any other explanation. You either feel a connection and excitement or you don’t. It actually kind of boggles my mind that you do feel a connection with so many people. I find that special chemistry to be very elusive.
It sounds like you are not making any moves.
There are a few components going on here:
Options: women have too many options, and the standards for what a « spark » entails keeps getting higher and higher. this is also a product from childhood for « never settle for less/you deserve the best ». Women will keep dating up, and once they get a taste of what they can get (even for a short while), their standards rise just a little bit more.
This related to my second point, today, its pushed (for both sexes) to REQUIRE an experience/chemistry. we are told « dating should be an EXPERIENCE », you should feel that « crazy PULL » towards someone. it has nothing to do with things that ACTUALLY lead to a stable partnership.
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So you have
1: standards for chemistry are higher.
2: society enourages dating as a « high », a dopamine rush, from something elusive as « chemistry ». and nothing to do with long term qualities.
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Sure, you need both, but society and todays dating culture weighs SO heavily on the « rush » and « excitement part »
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We place too much damn dependency on the shallow aspects of dating.
It means you’re boring.
It also means « I’m willing to tolerate your presence; but your genetic line ends here. »
Oh dude I can totally relate to this. I’ve been dating people online since 2009 and this is definitely one of the most common and frustrating parts of my experience.
I think that others in this thread are hinting at some good ideas about what to do to prevent these situations:
1. Don’t dump your feelings on a person at the beginning. I made this mistake in April and in less than a week she gave me the « poor chemistry excuse ». Even though we were having amazing dates and sexual chemistry up until that point. There’s no right time for a feelings dump, honestly, because women associate stoicism with desirable masculinity.
2. You need to be more interesting and have your own hobbies/pursuits/sense of humor. This is why there are guys who attract hot women in spite of themselves being ugly/overweight/etc.
3. You need to be an extrovert (or at least perceived as one). I know this may rub many introverts the wrong way and I myself am one. Women want a man who will dazzle and impress during social gatherings, and this is where extroverts have an advantage. If you are an introvert, you need to find ways to at least appear extroverted.
4. You need to act like *you’re* the catch. Don’t chase after other’s loyalty; it pushes people away and leads to these situations.
its not an excuse. the frustration you are experiencing is actually all about you going to dates with way too high expectations.
You are going to be disappointed every single time you do that.
This just happened to me, she wasn’t feeling « 100% attraction » after we made out, so she said we couldn’t date anymore.
OP generally you get this response from women when you don’t engaged them sexually. You probably give off more of a friend vibe.
Do you try and be super nice, agreeable, respectful, etc on dates and seek their approvals, focus on building rapport and comfort right away?
If the answer to these questions is « yes » well, that will friend zone you.
Do you touch your dates?
Tell them their ass looks great in that dress?
Flirt with them?
Do you try and have sex with them?
If the answer to these questions is no, then that’s why you keep getting told you don’t have « a spark ».
« Spark »=sexual attraction.