Dating : I feel like nobody I [36/M] date knows how to carry a conversation
I’m a 36 year old heterosexual cis-gendered divorced guy. If I were to guess, I’m a 7.0 or 7.5 physically. I work a meaningful job, make good money, am well educated and have my shit together. I do interesting things like fly planes, climb mountains, race bikes and travel a bunch.
I’ve been on about 20-30 first dates this year, and only a couple of second dates. I’m struggling to figure out why.
I’ve often heard that « interested is interesting » and that people feel good when you ask them about themselves and let them talk. That’s pretty much what I do.
I’ve also heard that helping surface positive feelings with your questions is a good date tactic, ie asking about a favorite child memory, or a travel destination they’re excited about. I try to do that, although I don’t always remember. Any tips for other questions like this?
I also make jokes where possible, although I don’t feel like I’m making enough.
Anyways, I feel like my dates all go roughly the same way: I carry the conversation by asking questions and giving validating feedback. The date continues until I run out of questions/material. The women I date almost never ask me questions about myself. Most of them don’t ask any at all. I feel like I don’t get a chance to market myself, and they probably leave the date not knowing who I am, thinking I’m boring, or that there’s no spark. I also don’t want them to feel like they’re being interrogated.
I don’t know what to do.
Has anyone else been in this situation?
30 dates a year? Damn bro you have to teach me how to get at least one per year.
Ever heard the saying “If one person you meet in a day is an asshole, they’re an asshole. If everyone you meet in a day is an asshole, you’re the asshole.”
Perhaps the same concept applies.
9/10 the guys I went on dates didnt know how to carry conversations either, it was only me that had to carry the entire conversation, otherwise there wouldn’t be any. That put a pressure on me because I had to be the one to take the lead entirely. otherwise it would be dead silence. Ironically, they were always the ones asked for second date, which I had to reject.Ive only met two guys that were really good at it and one was my ex boyfriend and the other one is my current one. That being said, it takes a while to find people who know how to converse. I dont think its something you do necessarily, you can ask questions without feeling like an interview, I dont know how to explain that well, like ive been on a date with where the guy jumped from one question to another, and the two questions had no correlations, which made the conversations forced, if that makes sense? He also couldnt remember what he asked 30 mins ago, and then he asked the same questions again and again. So I guess he was just trying to make conversations without actually listening to the answers and being engaging, he wasnt really listening to what I had to say, and when I asked him questions, he just gave me a nod or short answers. This guy wanted to see me again afterwards, I had to tell him that I wasnt interested.
But my ex and my current one asked me questions all the time and they way they did it was they usually focused on one topic and asked me other related questions, and continued asking the details of it, without being invasive of course(especially on first few dates), and I did the same when I chatted with them and people in general and then the conversations usually flowed naturally that way. Another special thing was that we could also comment on each others comments/answers and the conversations could still keep going, thats something special I found. With some people I just didnt have that.
However, if they do not know how to have engaging conversations, then it does not matter how you interact with them anyway.
Please keep in mind that I do not believe there is a perfect formula to having a great conversation and interactions. This is just my take on the this and my own experiences.
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Most people suck at holding conversations from what ive observed, regardless of the gender and the type of relationship/friendship you have with them.
I wonder – what types of women are you meeting? Are they all similar in looks/age/career? Try branching out and meeting people you wouldn’t typically go for. Maybe you keep going for the same type whether consciously or not. Just a thought.
I have gone on dates that have felt like interrogations. It’s not a great feeling.
Let me guess you are dating younger ladies? Looks no books? That or you might be dominating the conversation. I find men that talk too much are nervous in a hurry and can’t relax.
I should probably add that I only have this problem with online dates. With people I meet in person, conversation is a lot more natural. I never had to think about conversations with any of my exes.
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I should also add that I had one really good date that lasted 8 hours until 2 in the morning. Unfortunately she said on the followup that she wanted to be friends, because she didn’t know if she wanted kids and I didn’t want anymore.
I have definitely met some women that don’t help carry a conversation (though I weed most of them out in the texting phase). But 30 in a row? Yeah, that’s gotta be something you’re doing.
All the rules of thumb you mentioned are good, but they’re not a script for the entirety of a conversation. The point of asking questions is to kickstart a conversational back and forth. The ideal, IMO, is that you ask a question, they say something that reminds you of a story, joke, etc so you respond with that, and they respond to that, etc. It’s also good to ask something related to their response. It doesn’t always happen, and any conversation will eventually die out. When it does, you can move on to another question.
A fictitious example…
>You: « So where did you go for your last vacation? »
Her: « I went to Peru! »
You: « Oh cool! I had a friend that went there and loved it. What was your favorite part? » OR « I went there 5 years ago, I had this ridiculous cab driver. » OR « I’d love to go to South America but I don’t know Spanish! Did you learn Spanish before you went? », etc
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What you definitely don’t want to do is ask a question, and then ask the next question from your list with no regard to their answer. IDK if you’re doing that or not, but I’ve seen people do it and it’s awful. Continuing from above:
>You: « So where did you go for your last vacation? »
Her: « I went to Peru! »
You: « What’s your favorite childhood memory? »
Her: <WTF? Is this guy even listening to me?>
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Some guys tend to monopolize the conversation, but that doesn’t sound like your issue.
yeah.. maybe
So I’ve had similar difficulties. I think it helps to volunteer some information about yourself if your date isn’t asking any. Keep the focus on learning about her but when relevant you can share a short story or something about yourself. That helps let her get to know you and might make her a bit more comfortable opening up and asking you something.
As far as topics of conversation I mostly just go with the flow and see where things end up. Questions I try to come up with beforehand are basically a last resort when the conversation dies and things get quiet. I also like clockwork manage to forget anything I had planned to talk about beforehand so I usually don’t bother.
Also as you talk see which topics interest your date. I had one date who perked up when I started asking about food related things, what restaurants she liked, cooking, etc. I kept the conversation on that kind of subject matter, racking my brain for whatever food related things I could bring up, and it she had a really good time and was excited for the second date.
If this comes off as socially awkward, that’s basically because I am, but I’ve slowly been learning little tips and tricks and what works for me. I went on over 40 dates last year with varying levels of success, but I learned a lot and my dates over time started to go better.
I find people under about 25 seem to have difficulties with various social skills. It’s tough because people my age (35) don’t tend to go out as much.
Maybe it’s something about the women you seek out.
> cis-gendered
If you use words like this you will be less likely to get a hot babe to like you.
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> I’ve often heard that « interested is interesting » and that people feel good when you ask them about themselves and let them talk. That’s pretty much what I do.
classic mistake. No one likes the guy who asks questions all the time.
> asking about a favorite child memory, or a travel destination they’re excited about.
These are boring date questions people ask when they have nothing interesting to talk about. These questions are killers of romance!
> I feel like I don’t get a chance to market myself, and they probably leave the date not knowing who I am, thinking I’m boring, or that there’s no spark
It’s because you’re asking too many questions!