Dating : How to deal with a (seemingly) lack of ambition?
I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year or so now (I’m 24, and she just turned 30). So a bit about me, I’m in the military now, and I’m extremely motivated about managing my finances (plus I genuinely enjoy doing it). I was in college and got my associates before I enlisted, and I was the stereotypical broke college student who could barely afford rent and food (luckily I had FAFSA so I don’t have any student loans/debt). Ever since then I’ve sworn not to be in that situation again, and I’m now obsessed with saving my money, investing, and planning for my retirement when I’m older. I try to max out my ROTH and Traditional IRA’s each year, I’ve got ~$6500 in my diversified portfolio, have ~$20,000 saved up and I’m planning on getting my bachelors in finance after my hitch in the army is up. I’m trying each day to strive towards a future where I am financially stable, and able to live comfortably when I retire. I live as frugally as possible, while still budgeting my money enough to allow me to do things I enjoy. My credit score isn’t anything to write home about, only around 740ish
A bit about my girlfriend, shes just turned 30, works 2 jobs (she had 3 jobs but just quit one of them). She works at a coffee shop 4-7 hours a day, and tutors children online before or after work for another 2 or so hours a day. She also was a nanny for a kid before she quit that job a little while ago. She has $15,000+ of debt from when she went to college for a bachelors in Acting, maybe $400-700 in her bank account at any given moment (checkings & savings included), and she lives with her brother and his wife in an apartment. Between them all, they each pay $250-$300 a month and she can just barely afford that, even when she had **three** incomes. She recently finished some extensive program to become certified to teach yoga with the hopes of getting a job with it, but she is now another $3500 in the hole, and hasn’t even remotely attempted to get a job with her new certification, and she said her teacher wants her to be an unpaid intern, AND take another $3500 yoga class which she is considering. Thats another $7000 added to her debt! I’ve told her about retirement plans and saving money but she never listens to me, but then later down the road complains that she has no money and how its not fair that I do. After she finished college years ago, she spent thousands of dollars traveling the world and working different jobs, yet hasn’t made a single payment towards her student loans in years she told me. She constantly complains that her credit score is so bad she can’t qualify for a credit card at any bank. I’ve asked her to potentially think about switching jobs to a field that pays more, but she quickly responds with « No I don’t want to do that. It doesn’t sound enjoyable. » Yet she will sit and tell me how much she hates her job(s).
I feel like an asshole wording things like this because I do love this woman dearly and I’m not trying to sound selfish or greedy, but it just feels like she has no ambitions towards her future, yet I am constantly thinking and planning for mine. She always tells me she wants to be financially stable and independent yet from my point of view she never does anything to back that up. It feels like she doesn’t think more than a day in advance and sometimes its so frustrating hearing her complain about things when I try pointing out books or articles she could read, or try giving her advice when she asks, only for it to be completely ignored. I’ve tried sitting her down and asking her what her goals even are in life, or financially, and she always says « I dont know, whatever happens happens, I’m not stressing about it ». I’m not saying I’m a perfect person either by any means, but to me, financially, it feels like we are insanely incompatible.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I try sitting her down to talk about this stuff (again)? Should I end it? I have no idea what to do at this point
I feel the same bro.
She is 30 .. You can either accept her for what she is or move on. This trying to change people and make them see the light business never really works out.
BLUF: You should end it, and do so firmly and clearly.
Long Answer: You are not being unreasonable to keep your standards about what’s right for you. You would be unreasonable to think you could change her standards or behavior; only she can do that. And it sounds like she doesn’t want to.
She is focused on doing what she wants to today, while you are focused on doing what you have to do today so you can do what you want to do tomorrow. If you stay with this person, this difference will show itself in stronger and stronger ways; it will not get better, only worse.
A few flags/deal breakers that I’ve learned through the school of hard knocks are:
– If she can’t keep a job (and yes, there will be a “reason” beyond her control as to why she couldn’t keep each and every one of them);
– If she doesn’t live within her means/isn’t financially responsible (which includes saving some percent of her income and paying her debts) (your gf is lucky she can’t get any credit cards; if she had any, they would be maxed out);
– If she has anxieties/phobias that limit her abilities to do normal things (e.g. occasionally be in crowded areas, flying, trying different types of food, meeting new people, etc.);
– If she does ANYTHING that smacks of isolating me from friends, family, or situations where I might meet other people; and,
– If there’s a disconnect between what she does and what she says she wants to do about a major item/issue. Her wanting more money but not doing a thing to work in that direction fits in this category. (And in her case it’s worse, in that she says “its not fair” that you have money while she doesn’t.) (We all have many small aspirations/dreams/items on our “bucket list.” I’m not talking about those. I’m talking about major daily life items, like life finances.)
While you love her, you have some solid core principles, values, and maturity that she simply lacks. That doesn’t make her a bad person, but does mean there are big differences between the two of you. IMO this is not reconcilable and you should end it. But my opinion means nothing; you are the only one who gets a vote about if this is right for you, or not.
If you do decide to end it, be very firm and clear despite any drama or enticement she throws your way. If she wants to be FWB/fuck buddies, decline and make the break. If she says she doesn’t know what she’ll do, just remember: she did fine before she met you, she’ll do fine afterwards too. If you break up, do it at someplace so you can leave immediately. Her living with family may complicate this, but if at all possible while sparing a public scene, do not break up at your place and then ask her to leave.
Good Luck
P.S.: As you are military, thank you for your service and I presume that if you are eligible for the match, you are funding your TSP at least to the matching max before making contributions to other retirement accounts/portfolios. When you leave the Army, I suggest you leave the funds in the TSP unless you find something else with a lower fee structure (good luck on that one, unless you are doing self-directed investments).
One option is that you could rework your financial plan and budget to support her, let her be herself as she is and enjoy your time together. I’ve done that a few times in short term relationships and don’t regret it. I don’t want a partner I have to support that way in a long term relationship though, unless it’s starting a family and the woman has ambition, she’s just redirecting it towards the family.
What I’ve learned about myself so far, through a diversity of vastly different relationships and personality types, is that I want a life partner who is ambitious and eager to grow, experience life and build a future together. Someone that moves, works, plays and grows at a similar rate as me. Someone who is similarly independent, driven, has what it takes to be successful, takes action, isn’t afraid of failure and follows through. They can be at any stage of their life, even if they’ve just found the drive in their 30’s, but those are some of the core traits I’m looking for and they have to be there for me to find someone attractive as a long-term partner.
I can’t be with people for very long who don’t have ambition, who have it but don’t act on it or act on it but never follow through on anything. Eventually it feels like they are slowing me down or they are falling behind and eventually the distance gets too great so we part ways. Usually just as partners but we remain friends.
People can change. I’ve changed, I’ve seen people change and I’ve helped people change. If you have the resources, all you can do is provide a safe and comfortable place in their life to do it and give them what they need to accomplish their goals if they want it. If ambition, drive and their ability to envision their future self isn’t there, then there’s nothing you can do. They have to see it, want it and each for it themselves.
Open communication is great and I always encourage it before making a decision. I would absolutely suggest you talk about everything before you move on as long as the two of you communicate in a healthy way. Then you can both make a decision together, with as much information as you and have a healthy, mature separation or get pumped up to follow your newly devised plan right into the future.
I hope this helps you in making what seems like a very important decision in your life and wish you the best.
I was with someone that wasn’t ambitious and it can really bring you down! I’d say have a talk with her and then make a decision. Let her know how important it is for you.
OP if she’s 30 years old and sucks with money then she will probably not change.