Dating : Anxious I’m going to lose her, how can I keep the romance alive
I met this girl on a dating app and we went on a date. It went extremely well. I’ve been texting her and we went on another date in a beach town. It lasted for 6 hours and we had another fantastic time. We kissed and talked alot, held hands etc, she told me the place was nostalgic from her childhood and at the end of the date we made out and she said she wants to hang around with me for longer. She texted me the next day and we talked for a long time about common interests and loads of stuff. It’s clear that we are both feeling for each other.
The thing is that I have bad anxiety though. It doesn’t show on the dates but I can’t help but feel this is all going to fall apart and I’ll be left broken hearted again. Maybe I need to slow down but I feel like I’m punching above my weight with this girl and that she could very easily find someone else. She’s gone on vacation now and I guess that the litmus test will be if she thinks about me when she’s gone. I texted her last night to say safe travels and have fun and she texted back saying thanks, shed keep me posted and that she would take me somewhere cool when she gets back.
She wanted to talk to me about bad dates I’ve been on before for funnies. She also talked about when she broke up with her ex and wanted to go out and kiss alot of boys after that (although this wasn’t the main point of the story). These things are just making me feel a bit off and making me feel like she would leave me if I ever got with her.
I mean everything seems to be going super well but I’m just so scared of screwing up. I keep looking back and saying « damn I shouldn’t have said that » or « I should have done this ». I’m finding it difficult to juggle all of the advice I’m reading about dating online and it’s not helping my anxiety. Guess I just want some advice on what to do next and also just want a good vent. She is clearly into me but I’ve seen this before and gotten hurt before because maybe i got a bit too clingy and just need to chill out?
Definitely chill out, ALWAYS chill out, it’s never a bad policy. Stop reading advice online. Talk to just a few trusted friends/family. Try to know your own worth – the onus is on her to bring something to the table as much as it is on you. She is one of many options. Talk to other girls, flirt, hang out with friends – do things that validate you and spend time with people that validate you. If she’s the right one you won’t need to push for it – it will happen without you hamfisting it into existence. So relax 🙂
It’s as if I’ve read my own personal story (but I only had one date)
Definitely get your foot off of the accelerator. I fucked up because I was too clingy out of fear that she’ll give up on me.
Even now, I’m still thinking about how I screwed it all up and how I am basically unable to do anything to show her that I don’t want to lose her and that I understood my mistake and will not do the same thing again. It hurts a lot.
So, my point is, try to not stress about it. Show that you’re there but don’t get too clingy. I’m unfortunately talking from experience here…
1. Chill out. Calm down. Have a moment with a nice cuppa tea yeah?
2. Being worried, I think, is a good thing! It means that you care, and it means that you’re excited. Take that negative worry and make something positive out of it. It’s exciting to be in the first stages of a relationship, relish it! If you’re worried about losing her? Take that time and plan out a date or three. Don’t need to tell her nothing – find a recipe online or some romantic spots to take her when she gets back. She’ll love that I’m sure.
3. Re. wishing you said/did things? I think girls can tell if a guy is trying too hard. So remember point 1 and chill out, then just be yourself. I know it’s such vague advice **but** the reasoning behind it is that people fall in love with people, not personas! Stop thinking that she has all the power in this situation and that you’re powerless is she decides to leave and it’d be all your thought. Just be the person you are because she’s already found reasons to like that person y’know? You’re doing well man. Keep being you, keep the crazy thoughts out and enjoy the romance! Good luck 🙂
What others said. But also, read about attachment styles. You might find it interesting.
But yes, somehow they can always tell, girls have inner radars. Try to purposely be a little less available (but don’t completely ignore). Keep busy with other things.
don’t give too much attention and she will wonder about you. Work on your hobbies, work, gym in the meantime.
I’m seeing a lot of comments here that you should keep busy and be less available, but I’d caution you to not appear distant – guys always seem to think women dislike clingy guys, but it is more a turn off when it comes across as possessive or intrusive (asking too personal question too early on f.e.).
It is definitely a good idea to relax a bit more, but make sure you don’t become distant out of fear, that could really discourage her. She clearly likes you, just keep being nice to her and keep going as you are 🙂
You need to learn how to play the game mate. Don’t be the ‘nice guy’, it does not work unless you’re damn good looking! Look at who the women are after in the movies designed for your age group. Those movies are designed to represent the popular culture and are a good resource for you. In general though:
– Build yourself a life and get passionate about something. Girls are attracted to someone whose primary focus isn’t them. They will work hard to become that primary focus.
– Complimenting the above, find a direction and start achieving. You always want to be going somewhere in life – it’s very attractive. Read/listen to Jordan Peterson’s stuff and follow through. Become a capable, in demand human. Money and power.
– Confidence. Fake it until you make it at first. Do the above and eventually you wont have to.
– It’s hard, but reject the notion that someone is « too good for you ». Just be the best version of yourself and let them decide.
– Plenty of fish in the sea buddy, get good at talking to and being around those fish. Become the best fkn fisherman you can be.
Good luck bud.
Honestly it sounds like everything is going well.. Her telling you she wants to do something cool when she comes back is such a good sign. OK you don’t know what can happen in life, but from an outside perspective : relax!! All the flags are green so far!!
And if really really you are too afraid when she comes back, maybe the option is to tell her, talking about YOU. Saying YOU are a bit of an anxious person and that to feel « safe » you need a bit of reinsurance, not great love gestures but some words might help. Not that she didn’t give you enough or so, but that YOUR path made you what you are now and that you like spending time with her and that you need reinsurance that she won’t just vanish. If she’s open she will understand that. That’s an important point in a relationship, being able to tell the other one what you need and see if both of you can agree on a deal that is OK for both of you.
Good luck.. And relax 😉