Dating : Has anything created a strategy/plan to find a partner/relationship
they say its bad to set a plan/strategy of « finding someone » because it interrupts the natural process of meeting people and people (unlike other goals such as health/finances) have way more variables associated with them since you are dealing with PEOPLE, not things.
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but I also know that « focusing on yourself » and becoming your best self has always struck as someone weird passive strategy where you work on yourself to become more confident, knowing that you may not find someone, but also secretely hoping that you will.
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Why can’t you just focus mostly on the strategy and process, with the end goal in mind of finding someone? actually list the things you need to do to increase your probability of finding the type of person you want? do this over time and eventually, with enough exposure you will probably find someone.
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obviously there are attraction coaches/dating coaches/etc, but they seem so minutely focused on changing behavior rather than a strategized approach based on increaseing your probability of finding someone, or I could be wrong here…
Sure…plenty of people have. The book Models is designed to give you guidelines for the strategy. My personal strategy (as a guy) is to look for a partner while simultaneously working on myself. I start by identifying the traits I want in a lady I’d want to be in a relationship with, for me that’s a lady who’s smart, fun and affectionate. Next I look at the places where I enjoy spending my time (I’ll be the most attractive if I’m already having fun/enjoying myself) and places where ladies with those traits would spend their time. The goal is to find an overlap. I also do random approaching while I’m out and about and try to go to the mall/nightclub a couple times a week to meet some people. I think this strategy a good combination of playing the numbers game and playing a long game when necessary. I don’t do any online dating….it’s just not worth the time for me and it bruises my ego lol.
My strategy (as a woman) was to go on as many dates as possible. Say yes to everyone, unless there was no way you could be attracted to them/there was absolutely nothing appealing about them.
Went on many dates. Lots of them sucked. Some were really great, and now I have a really awesome SO.
The thing about going on lots of dates was not so much about quantity increasing the chance of meeting someone great, but that going out on dates improved social skills and etiquette around dating that is crucial to finding a long term partner regardless of the medium you used to get them (online or out in real life).
During the dating period, I learned not to treat dates like an interview (because that makes people uncomfortable, for instance), but instead to create a casual, fun, friendly atmosphere where both people can have an enjoyable experience even if it ends up leading to nothing. I learned to « receive » more, which made me a lot more agreeable and pleasant to be around overall. I learned to listen, I learned how to share without revealing too much – all things I never would have imagined affected the way people perceived me.
Also, I never slept with anyone I dated, even if we got past date #3. I think this was key – because it helped weed out people who weren’t interested in developing a solid emotional/philosophical bond which is what I was looking for. Even if they lead with « I’m looking for a relationship, » if sex in the immediate future was no longer off the table, they removed themselves fairly quickly.
My current SO stuck around and waited for me. We saw each other 6 times and I met most of his friends before he even kissed me. We didn’t have sex for the first time until we’d been seeing each other for 2 months, and we made sure neither of us were seeing anyone else before getting to that point, as well. We developed a really nice connection while getting to know one another and it is just really sweet how it all worked out.
Tl;dr: Go on dates, as many as you can. Talk to people. Learn from people. Receive. Listen. Don’t overshare. Move slow. Don’t ignore red flags. Patience is key. The right person will be receptive to what you are offering.