Dating : How to get my girlfriend to open up to me sexually?
How do I get her to open up to me?
The farthest we have gone is making out at a few parties but that’s about it…
People say it doesn’t even look like we are together in public and it kinda hits a nerve with me. I’ve brought this up to her and she wants to take things slow but it’s been painfully slow. When I asked her why doesn’t she ever make a move on me and why am I the one putting all the effort into that part of the relationship, she said she is too shy to do anything. And if I’m being honest I’m kinda the same, she’s my first “girlfriend” and making moves is hella nerve racking.
She says she is extremely comfortable around me and I am with her as well. I’m just lost on as to why she doesn’t have much drive to take things further. I can’t seem to break her out of her shell.
As frustrating it can be, I’d never force anything on her that she wasn’t comfortable with.
Sorry if this doesn’t make sense I’m very hungover and tired.
Guessing you are a young couple.
This could be an issue regarding sexual inexperience on behalf of both of you, a lack of sexual desire for you specifically/for men in general or a past sexual trauma she told you nothing about. Some points to explore:
1. Is she afraid of losing her virginity? (It can hurt for her and there will be some bleeding) Is she ashamed of you seeing her naked body? What happens if you suggest to lay naked in bed and just sleep? Do you both know how to have safe sex and lubricate?
2. Does she like women? Does she like other men?
3. Did you ask her what she needs?
Look at her actions. What she’s saying doesn’t sound congruent with what she’s doing, at least from the way you’re explaining it.
At the same time, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything/much to generate attraction or build sexual tension. Being shy is an excuse, if she felt genuine desire she’d act on it in the moment, then rationalise it later. She might get caught up on her feelings/emotions in the moment as well, ask you to back off (which you do), then escalate a little alter when she’s feeling more comfortable.
Gotta say though mate, complaining to her about it is not helping your case. Put the effort in to create the feelings and you will reap the rewards. Don’t pressure her into stuff, be the man and take the lead.
> She says she is extremely comfortable around me and I am with her as well
Comfortable is not what you want. Friends are comfortable. What you want is sexual tension. From what you’ve said, you could definitely do with watching some stuff by Corey Wayne or one of the other relationship coaches (not the PUA guys though).
She doesn’t owe you sex. If she is shy let her come around. If not, oh well buddy. Don’t push it.
She sounds young.
and you are both scared of various implications of moving the relationship. She is (probably) scared of being perceived as slutty, losing virginity, could be religious or cultural customs things she is afraid of violating. You’re scared of losing her by trying to move things forward sexually and making her feel uncomfortable with you. Both are pretty normal/typical for young people in relationships; I went thru it myself with my first gf.
It’s NBD, like you said, don’t force anything on her, let her make her own decisions. But if it comes to a point where you are no longer happy with her, holding a grudge, or anything like that….then break up with her. She’s your first girlfriend, probably not your last.
(my and my first gf dating 6mo, and never had anything resembling sex)
How old are you?
You said you made out at parties. Well, intimacy and sex are « private happenings ». What about your place or her place to start with?
I understand you don’t want to force things. But I can’t fathom how you two define yourselves boyfriend-girlfriend without having had sex in the first place and how you can feel super comfortable with each other when there’s such a problematic underlying issue.
How old are you two?
You are very young. No use to rush into an intimate relationship when you are likely to break up anyway. Honestly I don’t think you should sleep together.
Some people aren’t comfortable initiating. My SO and I are a just few years older than you, and it’s very hard for me to have the courage to initiate things with him personally.
Something else to remember is that not all relationships are the same. For instance, one of my good friends waited a year into their relationship to be sexually intimate. Some people wait till marriage. Others start in their first few days.
It’s OK to wait and it’s OK to be nervous, but if after a few months at least you’re not on the same page (ie you want sex now and she needs to wait) you guys might just not be as compatible when it comes to sex. Some relationships can work with that, some can’t, but in the end you have to be the one to reflect and decide if you can wait.
OP
Your girlfriend is shy.
Shy people won’t « make a move on you. »
Women in general probably won’t « make a move on you. »
Reach down, grab your sack, FLIRT. WITH. HER.
Make her feel attractive and desired.
You have to make the moves. This is generally the responsibility of the guy in the relationship to flirt with the girl and lead her to the bedroom (and your loins).
Remember the phrase… Actions speak louder than words.
If she were truly comfortable, she would’ve let you go further than kissing.
To me, this shows a lot of red flags that she’s almost… using you in a way.
Does she let you talk about how you’re feeling? Does she ever come up with excuses on ending the conversation when you try to get ‘deep’ or emotional with her?
The fact that you said you feel you put in 80 and she puts in 20 is a major red flag in any relationship. A relationship should be an equal partnership with equal effort.
I recommend you both sitting down and seriously talking about whether or not you have a future together because you have needs that she is not filling and vice versa.
No matter how patient you are now, there may be a time where you become so ‘frustrated’ that you accidentally hurt her. You don’t want that to happen (I.e. if you decide to drink and get drunk accidentally and then things happen).
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Play some Marvin Gaye.
And if she’s looking for somebody who won’t bust his nut in a minute and do the same motion in that 60 second period, you know my Reddit username.
And yes, I’d prefer you watch.