Dating : I went on the most awkward date I’ve had in a long time and now I feel weird
TL;DR I went on a date with the most socially awkward guy you can think of who wouldn’t keep his hands on me and I’ve just about had it.
Apparently, I had matched with this guy on bumble but never messaged him. He took the liberty of hunting me down on Facebook because he wanted to ‘shoot his shot’ (I know). We started talking and on paper he seemed like practically the perfect dude for me, but something in my gut felt off and anyways long story short I agreed to meet him for coffee because I thought I’d give him a chance.
We meet in person and he’s just SUPER odd. It’s the type of odd that you can’t really articulate or pinpoint what’s off about him but there’s something not right. I, not feeling it, make the notion that I want to leave, and he starts grabbing my hand and being really touchy feely and I just felt weird. I texted my friend and made an escape. The subsequent days following he texted me trying to make plans again, and I told him that I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship because I had other obligations in my life. His response was salty; « I told you we could work something out but doesn’t seem like you wanted to see me anyways but okay good luck. » I thought he got the message and that would be the end of it.
Like 2 months later he texted me AGAIN, saying that he « couldn’t shake the feeling that we could’ve made something work ». I was very adamant I did not want to go out again, but then I thought maybe I’ll give him a second chance, maybe he was just nervous the first time, making all these excuses in my head for him. He decided to pre-purchase movie tickets (which in my mind he only did because he wanted to make sure I didn’t back out of the date – it was a Wednesday night and the movies are NOT full on a Wednesday) and have dinner at a sushi place. He asks me to meet me at his house to drive to the sushi place, that is 2 minutes from his house. I immediately tell him no, that I didn’t mind driving the extra 2 minutes by myself. We get to the sushi place, which was apparently OUT OF BUSINESS (he apparently goes here all the time), and then tells me to drive to another sushi place that is ALSO closed. Pissed at this point I tell him to meet me at a restaurant of my choosing which he does. Once again, the tone of it is just super weird and awkward and I’m immediately regretting all of it. As I’m ordering my food he’s coming up behind me and awkwardly touching my lower back, to the point where I went and sat at a table to wait for the food so he would stop.
We then get to this movie and during the movie it’s VERY obvious that he wanted to kiss me which again, weird (it was Spiderman 3D come on). He kept grabbing my hand, kissing my hand and touching my leg so I inched as far away from him as I could in the seat and didn’t look at him once because I felt SO. UNCOMFORTABLE. When it was over, I was trying to walk out and as I was walking, he kept grabbing me around the waist from behind hugging me and kissing my head (keep in mind I barely know this person), and then did it again in the lobby and at that point I was so aggravated I pulled away and said « Please stop touching me like that, it’s not even cute it’s just extremely awkward because time and place. » He tried to play it off like « Oh okay no worries » and walked me back to my car, where I very simply said thank you, I’ll be in touch. He texted me asking if I got home and I told him I did, he apologized for the sushi place being closed (LOL he had a lot more to apologize for than that) and I didn’t respond.
Here’s my dilemma. For reference as I didn’t mention this earlier, I am 22 and he is 26. I absolutely do not want to see this guy again, but I have a feeling I’m dealing with somebody who is 1. EXTREMELY desperate – he seethed desperation trying to force a connection with me that wasn’t there at all. and 2. Emotionally unstable and irrational. The empath in me feels SO bad for this guy but I feel so weird about the fact that I knew it was gonna be weird and I still gave him a chance. I do want him to know that what he was doing was super weird but I also don’t want to step on his feelings as I just want to detach and be done. But I also don’t think ghosting is appropriate here because I do think if he hunted me down on Facebook successfully, he could hunt me down in real life. Is it appropriate to just say, « I didn’t feel a connection between us. » and leave it at that?
> he wanted to ‘shoot his shot’ (I know).
Well we know WHERE he wanted to shoot it.
Just block him on everything and be done with his creepy ass. This is unacceptable.
Moral of the story: I’m gonna go back and watch all Sam Raimi’s Spiderman movies.
> Is it appropriate to just say, « I didn’t feel a connection between us. » and leave it at that?
Yes, it’s fine. If he contacts you again, be even more explicit and say « I don’t want to meet up again, please don’t contact me any more. » The problem is he clearly can’t take hints, so you’ve got to be very clear about not being interested before it’ll get through to him. Also, you’re describing him as desperate, but some of the stuff he’s doing sounds borderline predatory. Finding you on Facebook, wanting to meet at your home on a 2nd date, and forcing physical/intimate contact on you when it’s clear you’re not interested. He didn’t do anything illegal on the date, but I’d be very wary of meeting him in person again, he might not be as sympathetic as you seem to believe.
Also, I know this part is unsolicited advice, but I’ll give it anyway. You seem like a very accommodating, people-pleasing person, and that is great, but it can get you into trouble in dating. I’m guessing you told him « I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship because I had other obligations in my life » to protect his feelings by creating an excuse, but that also makes it unclear if you actually are interested or not and leaves open the option for him to try to accommodate your other obligations or come back later to see if your situation has changed. It’s much better to just say « It was nice meeting you, but I don’t think it’s going to work out between us. Good luck with everything » and leave it at that. As a guy, I’ve had numerous women tell me some variation of that, and it’s not really a big deal. I’ve also told it to multiple women, and it was always clear enough what I meant that they never tried to contact me afterwards. You don’t need to make excuses if you’re not interested in someone, it’s your right to move on and their obligation to accept it.
Unmatch him on bumble but when they ask the reason for the unmatch put that they were innapropriate or made you uncomfortable. Not sure what bumble would do but if it keeps happening with more people he could be banned?
It doesn’t really help you, but I would at least consider it.
I don’t care if you’re my wife, I’m not gonna kiss you in the middle of a Spiderman movie. You don’t disrespect the web slinger like that.
OMG I went on a first date with a guy like this once. I met him at a restaurant for lunch, he shows up and grabs my hand and doesn’t let go until we are seated. So alarm bells are ringing in my head. It’s online dating so we had exchanged selfies. We had lunch, it was a little awkward, he tried to kiss me when we left I told him no. He was headed to work and texting my phone continuously all evening. The next morning he sends me a SCREENSHOT OF HIS PHONE HOME SCREEN AND IT IS MY FACE. THIS MAN MADE MY PICTURE HIS HOME PHONE SCREEN AFTER ONE LUNCH DATE. I noped the fuck out with a hey, that’s super weird and creepy, I’m not interested in continuing this. I got a bunch of whiny pushback about how I hadn’t given him enough of a chance and how girls always tell him he’s « too nice »
He’s very desperate and hats off to you for being so nice and patient. As a guy I barely touches woman’s hands on first date unless I saw clear signs. I think for your own sake you would just tell him that and ignore all the efforts he makes later. He’ll move on eventually.
This gives me hope knowing guys like this actually exist