Dating : How do I treat women without lust and awkwardness?
Hello, I’ve been raised in an environment where I wasn’t allowed to have any non-approved friends by my parents for 17 years; and have never had any female friends in my life. Also, I’ve never really had « friends » for the same reason. I also go to a tech school and out of every 100 people I see, about 3-4 are women. Every time I try to talk to a girl, I always end up fantasizing and can’t control myself. I was never taught how. I also learnt that it’s not normal to learn what sex is at the age of 18, and I have no idea how to go about this. My therapist is at a loss for words as I’m a rare condition, and I have therapy appointments just once a week which don’t help me at all. I don’t have trauma, I’m just socially stagnated at the age of 14. I try to go out and meet people to make friends, but it’s so exhausting. I’m on the verge of tears from the stress after just 1.5 hours of being around people.
I also want to perhaps get a girl to date. I realized that all I really want is one deep friend, so dating seemed like a good way to find someone open to that. Apparently, I have an extreme case of introversion.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some insecure 19-year-old college kid. I’m hella strong in academics and engineering, and pride myself in that. But for some reason, a lot of girls look past me because I lack both social and sexual experience.
I feel like I’m in a catch 22 with both dating and making friends. To get someone comfortable with you and close to you, you need experience with socialization. But to get experience socializing, you need to have someone comfortable and close to you. Same with sexual experience. Any advice on how to break this cycle? Clubs don’t seem to work well because I’m that « one geek in the corner building rockets ». Not many people are keen on talking to someone with the social intelligence of a 14-year-old kid.
Advice pls!
I’m the opposite of you, and spent the majority of my life socializing to the detriment of my schooling/career.
My advice is simple in practice, but depending on your social anxiety it might be harder for you.
In order to get better at something you have to fail. You have to be ok with making mistakes and pushing yourself past them.
You said you were good at school, I assume you are good with structure, planning, etc? If so, set up a organized plan for yourself. Maybe think of it as a (social) study plan.
For example, I will go out to a (insert your favorite hobby here.) club/convention and socialize with someone for 15 minutes.
Increase it to 20 after two weeks, 30 after 4 weeks etc.
The social engagement can be anything that interests you. That’s important, it’s a environment that you feel confident, or knowledgeable in. Sorta like your home turf.
If you are uncomfortable talking to woman to start, focus on making a male friend first. You will be shocked to learn women aren’t all that different from men. We are all human after all.
Just remember you are a introvert, being in large social groups is naturally taxing for you and that’s ok. It’s normal. Just keep pushing yourself, and stay authentic and you will be fine.
If you have any questions you can DM me, if needed.
Wish you the best.
Honestly, I don’t mean to belittle what you’re going through, I think you’re thinking about it too much. I know it might not seem like it but socially there’s not too much difference between 14 and 22. You’re definitely more mature at 22 but some people start at 12, I didn’t get my first girlfriend till I was 25.
The best thing you could do, is just try to find places where single women are going to to be and will have easy social interaction. Volunteer work, community events, meetup groups. When you’re talking to women, you just have to remember that they’re people, probably just as confused and nervous as you are, and the only thing that really matters is that the two of you are talking. That’s where everything starts.
My advice is to start dancing classes. Pair dancing.
It’s scary, but you’re going to be so rewarded with confidence as you master it. Doing weightlifting is another venue. But dancing forces you to interact with and talk with girls.
This is interesting. I have never encountered someone with the same issue I have.
Except I’m 30 and still at the level of a 12 year old.
For the same reasons. Parents subliminally taught me anything to do with intimacy, love, affection, sexuality, girls, etc is bad and I shouldn’t have anything to do with it. And then having spent all my time in school and job in environments without any females.
It took me until about 30 when I started having a few more female coworkers to find out that girls can also be seen as something non sexual. I never got to experience a woman’s personality before. All I saw was incredibly attractive bodies I could never even get anywhere close to.
I now actually know two extremely attractive women, and one of them I actually managed to be friends with, and not see her in a sexual way. She looks like a model.
I think the issue is (and probably obviously so) that we just never got to be around girls, and don’t see that there is more to them than the body. It’s pretty sad really, but what can you do? We didn’t choose this life.
I’m afraid the only thing that will fix that is getting to be around girls. But how? I don’t know. It took me until my youth was over and the best years of my life gone to accidentally be exposed to women. So I’m afraid I can’t help you. Other than saying you’re not alone.
Fantasizing about women is normal.
See that girl walking on the street? Yea, you know what you were just thinking.
Oh, the girl you saw passing in the aisle at the store? Yep, that one.
There was also that one girl walking her dog at the park. I’m sure you wanted to approach her and talk about her dog, then get her number, right?
See, 3/3 girls you saw, you thought naughty thoughts about them. it’s normal.
Other than your « rare condition » that you didn’t go into details about, your last 3 paragraphs could have been written by regular and normal guys expressing the same worries and concerns that you have.
And trust me — even if teen guys have seen porn and lady parts in pictures and videos, that does not mean they know what sex is. So again, you’re not any different from a ton of other guys out there.
Don’t use your worries as a crutch for not meeting girls, and get out there and meet girls!