Dating : Guy I’m dating exclusively wanted labels previously and I didn’t, but now I’m ready and he’s not?
We’re both in our late 20s and had our first date in March. I was really busy then and could only see him once every 1-2 weeks, so by early May we’ve only gone on ~7-8 dates, although most of our dates are long (half a day-ish).
By this time he had developed feelings for me and told me that, and we ended up sleeping together (this is considered very fast for me). I was attracted to him but had hesitations due to his history of casual sex and feeling like I didn’t know him well enough yet (we are also from different cultures). Once we slept together, I told him I wanted to be exclusive as this is huge for me. He agreed and went one step further asking me to be his gf.
I wasn’t ready at that point as having the bf/gf label means a lot to me – once I acknowledge someone as my bf, I would start introducing them to my family & friends, and I would be very committed to the rship in trying to make things work. For him, the threshold for labels is lower – it just meant that he liked me and could see this going somewhere.
Anyway, he asked twice and I said no and to give me time. In mid June we went through a period where we argued a lot and almost broke things off. One time I brought up labels and said we could label it if he wanted to, but he felt that it didn’t make sense to jump into a rship at that moment when we were arguing so much (I agreed).
Fast forward to now, things have been really good, and my feelings for him have increased a lot as we spent a lot of time together. I sleep over ~3 times a week and we go on at least one long date a week. I’ve also met his family and friends (introduced as a girl he’s dating).
I brought it up again and thought he would be happy (since it was a source of conflict), but he said no. He felt that between when he first wanted labels and now, there are issues between us that arose that we have not resolved yet (nor does he have the solutions to some of them), and wanted to monitor the situation before we move things forward. I know he’s serious about me as we’re exclusive, I’ve met his family (he’s only brought exes to see them before), he spends most of his free time with me and remembers small things about me, he planned a weekend getaway recently and we had a lot of fun. He said he still wants things to work out but he can’t give me the security right now that I want (ie that of labels – my feelings have reached a point where I am now somewhat insecure if we don’t label it) until he has a better sense of our compatibility, and he can’t tell me how long that will take.
So now I’m stuck and this is weighing on me. On one hand I know I asked him to wait so if I rush him now it feels like double standards, on the other hand isn’t a relationship about working through those issues together, rather than requiring that we’re a 100% fit before jumping in? Also, if the threshold for him previously was Low, why is it so much higher now?
TLDR: Guy I was dating wanted labels 7-8 dates in, I asked to wait as I didn’t know him well enough yet. Now we’ve spent extended time together and I want to put labels, and he’s saying no because we have unresolved issues?
He wants to ask you and for you to say yes.
Not for you to just call the shots on everything. And when he does finally come out and say how he feels about it. You finally say yes, but it probably feels as though you’re doing it as he is getting to the stage of not being able to wait any longer.
Having a cooling off period where you are both on the same wavelength of what you want, and also giving him the chance to be in control a little and be the one to ask you with you saying yes I think is a good thing.
Sounds like your basically in a relationship anyways if you have met his family and spend a lot of time together. Don’t stress so much about the label and just enjoy the relationship. I’m sure he will say about « labels » when he is ready.